A Dangerous Night Chap.1

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A Dangerous Night
Chapter one

The moon seemed silver against the onyx sky. Fog walked slowly through the small town, so thick you could cut it with a knife. It wound around the streets, clinging to each building as it passed. Streetlights flickered one by one as if it was a code or a warning of some kind. Few cars were on the roads this summer night, though stores, bars and clubs were open and making money.

All houses were dark, except for one. This house was lit and holding a party in it’s backyard. Lights were stringed together, clung to trees. Tiki lights in each corner of the backyard and two guarded the stereo. Hip-hop, Pop, Rap, Techno and Asian music blared from speakers hidden in the surrounding trees and bush. Refreshment tables outlined the yard.

About sixty or so people danced to the beat of the music that was currently playing. None of them caring about the late hour and the thickening fog, they danced like they didn’t have a care in the world. In the center of the dancing mob, was a circle surrounding four people dancing within it. Two were male and two were female.

The guys both had brown hair (varying in shade and length) and blue eyes. They both wore similar outfits: One wore a white long sleeved button down shirt while the other wore it in black and one wore blue jeans while the other wore black leather pants. One girl had brown hair and blue eyes while the other had bright red hair and green eyes.

One girl wore a halter-top and a blue mini skirt and danced with the guy in white while the other girl wore a low-cut tank top and a silver mini skirt and danced with the guy in black.

When the song ended the guys bid the girls farewell and walked over to a refreshment table. The guy in black picked up a glass of punch, but didn’t drink it. Instead he sniffed the punch and with a look of disgust put the glass back down on the table.

“What’s wrong Zeke?” the guy in white asked confused, “I thought you liked fruit punch.”
Zeke glanced over at his brother (the pupils of his eyes slits) before gazing back into the dancing mob. “Normally I do Shang, but not when someone takes advantage of the situation and spikes the punch.”
Shang picked up the glass, sniffed it and then mirroring Zeke’s expression of disgust, threw the glass in the garbage. “Have you found the one who spiked it yet?”

Zeke smirked. “It’s amusing to know you think so highly of my ability,” Zeke blinked (his pupils going back to normal) and nodded. “I’ve found him.”
“Who is it?”
“Marian Mingltin.”
“Figures it would be Mars,” Shang sighed. “He’s despised us ever since you stole his girlfriend from him, whom you merrily dumped three days later.”
“Glinda Ariana Glen…great body, but not much home up stairs,” Zeke said. “Should we approach now and make a scene or plan B?”

“Later, Mai’s coming,” Shang, told him as a second later their sister squeezed her way through the crowd to stand in front of them. She wore a soft pink v-line short-sleeved shirt and blue jeans. Her hair and eyes matched those of her brothers. “Mai, is your shift over already?”
Mai merely glared at her brothers. “Yes, it is!” she snapped at Shang. “Zeke, inside.”

Zeke ground. “I can’t baby sit while there’s a party going on!” he complained. “I’m the host after all. I need to be out here with my people.”
Mai’s left eyebrow twitched. “Your people?” Mai hissed, latching onto Zeke’s right ear. “Our little sister Kaysis is sick in bed and all you want to do is party? I don’t think so!!” Mai screamed into his ear.

“Ow! Alright, alright,” Zeke retorted managing to pull out of his sister’s grasp, “I’ll go take my shift.” Zeke hurried away towards the house through the crowd.
“That went well. Don’t you think Shang?” Mai asked cheerfully turning to the dancing mob.
Shang nodded. “That was one way to get Zeke to take his shift. I’ll give you that.”

* * *

Zeke knocked softly on the wooden door before entering the medium sized room. The room was painted a soft dark violet and a black carpet covered the wooden floor. A queen-sized bed sat against the far wall and a dresser against the far wall.

There he saw his younger sis sleeping in her bed and for the first time realized how loud the music really was. He could here it clearly through the walls on the second floor. Zeke walked over to her and sat down in the blue lazy boy recliner stationed there. He watched his sister sleep with a sullen expression. Zeke wished his thirteen-year-old sis would get well soon. She had missed the last few days of school because she had gotten sick and she couldn’t go anywhere with her friends because of it.

She had been sick for the past two weeks. Her fever bounced up and down and could rarely keep solid food down. During the day she seemed to get better, but it would go back to how it was at the beginning at night.
Zeke gathered up her long light brown, almost white hair and began to gently braid it back. When he was just about done, she shifted and looked sleepily up at him.

“Zeke…Mai?” she asked not quite finishing her question.
“Mai went down to the party,” Zeke replied releasing his sister’s hair from his grip. “Kaysis, how are you feeling?”
Kaysis thought for a moment. “I think I’m pretty good.” she told him, attempting a smile, but it didn’t quite make it.

Zeke smiled back seeing the attempt. “Well, let’s see,” Zeke replied as he put the back of his hand to her forehead. Zeke sighed taking his hand away. “You’re still burning up, Kay.”
Kaysis frowned and sat up, wincing a bit. “I feel like I am getting better though.”

“You should go back to sleep. In the morning we’ll call Maxwell again.”
“He just says that I just need to rest,”
“Yes, but he might like to see how you’re doing and now that’s final.” Zeke said ending the argument.
Kaysis sighed; a forlorn expression flickered onto her face and looked away out the window into the night sky.

Zeke saw this and new immediately what she was thinking. He gathered Kaysis onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her protectively. “Listen to me, Kaysis, you will get better and you will be able to laugh again.” He promised. “Do you understand me?”
Kaysis nodded. “I understand, big brother.”

* * *

Crash!

Zeke pinned a young man against the wall of the kitchen, glaring daggers. “Say that again, Maxwell, and you will wake up one morning breathing through a tube.”

Shang walked up behind Zeke, putting his hand on his shoulder. “Zeke, let the nice doctor go.” He ordered gently. Zeke didn’t move or loosen his grip around Maxwells throat. Mai came over and gently pried Zeke’s hand away. She took Zeke by the hand and led him out of the room.

Maxwell watched them leave before turning back to Shang. “I warned him, Shang.” His chin length black hair covered his left dark green eye, the other held a bit of helplessness as he wished he could do more. He wore a gray t-shirt with a M.W. on the front under a leather jacket trimmed white on the bottom, thin black gloves with a whole in the palm and black trip pants.
“I know, my friend, I know you warned us.” Shang sighed leaning against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. “We just have to wait and see?”

“Unfortunately, yes, that’s all anyone can do for now,” Maxwell said miserably. “Just make sure Kaysis gets lots of rest. Hopefully the phantom will leave her system without doing too much damage to her.”
“Tell me again what is the Phantom, again?” Shang asked.

“The Phantom is a illness that no one can tell where it originated from or what caused it, Shang.” Maxwell explained. “By all accounts who ever is infected should be healthy, but instead they are sick as a dog.”
Mai walked back into the room at this point. “Zeke is upstairs with Kaysis,” she explained shortly. “Max, thank you for all your help.”

“Please, Mai, no thanks necessary, I want Kaysis to be well as much as you do.” Maxwell replied.
“How much do we owe you Max,” Mai asked reluctantly.
“Nothing. You owe me nothing.” Maxwell told them. “I promised your father I would help you out if you needed me and I am here as a friend, not someone who takes your money.”

Mai hugged Maxwell suddenly and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you, thank you for everything.” She sighed in relief.
“You’re Welcome, Mai.” Maxwell replied softly before turning towards the door to leave.

Mai and Shang watched as Maxwell left closing the door behind him. They both were silent until they heard the roar of his motorcycle fade into the distance.
“She’ll be alright, Mai.” Shang whispered reassuringly as he pulled her into a hug.
Mai nodded. “She better be, Shang, we can’t loose her too.”

* * *

The atmosphere in the small elegant living room was apprehensive. Shang and Zeke shared the medium sized elegant vintage Victorian England couch while a businesswoman sat in an elegant vintage seventeenth century England chair quietly waiting for Mai to come into the room.

The businesswoman’s crisp brown eyes seemed to dissect the living room as she sat silently and every once in a while pull a stray blond hair back behind her ear.

Every movement that Shang or Zeke made was stiff and every few minutes they exchanged nervous, uneasy looks. Mai entered the room, apologized to the businesswoman and sat down on the couch. Mai looked in turned at every person, starting with Zeke and ending with the businesswomen.

“Shanghai, Mai, Zeke Young,” the businesswoman addressed them from oldest to youngest. Her voice squawked like a chicken, though none of the three dared to point it out.

She was their social worker after all and if angered could separate them all. “I’ve done my best to keep all of you together. You all have even remained here in your house because Dr. Maxwell Julian has been helping with the payments.” the businesswoman paused a moment. “Now, I here Kaysis is sick?”

“Yes, Miss Song, she is sick,” Shang, added quickly, “but getting better.”
“According to Dr. Maxwells report, she has Phantom, Shang, there’s no telling if she will be getting better,” Miss Song told them. “You three hosted a party last night, which had an alcoholic beverage present. Who was looking after Kaysis?” Shang, Zeke and Mai exchanged nervous glances.
“We all were, Miss Song, we each took three hour shifts to look after her.” Mai answered.

“I see, now, why was there an alcoholic beverage present?” she questioned next.
“How do you know there was an alcoholic beverage at the party?” Zeke demanded.
“An anonymous caller tipped off the agency. Now, answer the question.”
“Someone spiked it.” Zeke replied.

“Do you know who spiked it?”
Zeke sighed. “No, we don’t.”
“Mm-hmm, I see,” Miss Song replied disapprovingly.
“Miss Song,” Shang said grimly, “you’ve come to take Kaysis from us, haven’t you?”
“Yes, Shanghai, on orders from the state I am here to relieve you of Kaysis.”

“No, you can’t take our sister from us.” Zeke shouted angrily, standing. “Shang has custody of all of us since he is nineteen!”
“Sit down Zeke,” Miss Song ordered sternly. “The state has stripped Shang of custody of Kaysis and is placing her the custody of a more capable family.” Miss Song stood up. “I will be here tomorrow at nine o’clock sharp to pick her up. Just incase you try anything Zeke, I have military personal stationed around the perimeter of the house.”

Zeke merely glared daggers at her. “I despise you,”
“Have Kaysis ready by then,” Miss Song left saying that, ignoring Zekes comment.

Mai buried her face in Shangs shoulder, crying, shuddering with each sob. Shang rubbed her back in small circles to try and console her. He mouthed to Zeke “Let it go for now. It will do no good to try anything right now.”
Zeke nodded. He sat back down on the couch and pulled Mai into a hug, so Shang could have a break. Zeke mouthed to Shang “go tell Kaysis.”
Shang nodded, leaving the living room and went up stairs to fill Kaysis in.

* * *

The sun shown down brightly through the puffy white clouds that cluttered the sky. A slightly chilly wind glided across the earth, making it seem chillier than usual for summer.

Shang stood alone out on the lawn, watching the social worker put Kaysis into her black ford tempo.
“I am sorry it had to come to this,” Miss Song said to Shang as she walked around to the drivers’ side of the tempo. “You’ll still be able to visit her Shanghai. The family that is going to be taking care of her is a good one. Do you have any question before we leave?”

“How will I be able to regain custody of Kaysis?” Shang asked.
“When you get a steady job for one and then move to a safer part of town.” Miss Song told him. “Is there anything else?”
“If my mom comes back, will you bring Kaysis home?”
Miss Song stared at Shang for a long moment. “The state will decide if that ever happens, Shanghai, now we must be going or we’ll be late.” Miss Song climbed into the tempo and sped off with Kaysis in the back seat.

Shang watched until the car disappeared around a corner before climbing up into the tree that was at the far end of the yard. Shang sat there for what seemed to be ages, to him at least.

“Hey,” came Zekes voice from below Shang.
Shang looked down to see Zeke leaning on the tree, staring up through the bright green leaves and into the sky, his hands shoved into his pants pockets. “Hey.”

“I’m going to find mom,” Zeke stated.
“How are you going to do that?” Shang demanded.
“When she left she said she would be in Boston,” Zeke reminded his brother. “I’ll start there and see what I can find.”

“What will you do for money?”
“Get a job.”
“What kind of job?”
“I’ll work in a fast food joint if I have to Shang.”
“Where are you going to sleep?”
“I have an old friend who moved to Boston.” Zeke explained. “I’ll see if I can crash at his place.”

“What if you can’t?”
“I’ll…sleep on a bench if I have to.”
“Say you find a clue to mom’s whereabouts, what will you do then?”
“I’ll follow that clue to wherever it takes me.”
“Give it up Zeke,” Shang ordered. “Mom left us when Kaysis was five and hasn’t come back since. If she wanted us, she would have phoned or written to us by now.”

Zeke glared at Shang. “I’m not giving up Shang,”
Shang sighed and looked down at Zeke. “Alright, fine. Let’s make it interesting so you have a reason to come back. If you find mom and bring her back here I will do any major projects you have to due for school next year.”

“If I don’t?”
“If you don’t then you have to clean and cook for everyone for a full month.” Shang replied simply. “Is it a deal?”
Zeke seemed to debate with himself for a couple minutes. “It’s a deal, just get ready to loose.”

“Sure and you just remember the deal.” Shang retorted as he jumped out of the tree, landing next to Zeke. “You better pack and put on your most comfortable shoes.”

“You’re making me walk all the way to Boston?” Zeke asked in disbelief.
“Yep, I am. You’re the one who wants this little adventure. Not me. Not Mai. You.” Shang told him. “I’m not wasting my gas money for your little adventure.”




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Fog walked slowly through the small town, so thick you could cut it with a knife.

I liked this except for the word 'walked'. It just doesn't fit fog very well. I'd say creeped, drifted, or something else.
Lights were stringed together, clung to trees.

Say 'strung together, clinging to trees'.
The guy in black picked up a glass of punch, but didn’t drink it. Instead he sniffed the punch and with a look of disgust put the glass back down on the table.

I don't li ke the repetition of the word punch. Instead say 'instead he sniffed it and...'
Zeke gathered up her long light brown, almost white hair and began to gently braid it back.

What brother would braid his sleeping sister's hair? It's just a little weird.
“He just says that I just need to rest,”

Get rid of the second 'just' to eliminate its repetition, and you need a period at the end, not a comma.
Mai came over and gently pried Zeke’s hand away. She took Zeke by the hand and led him out of the room.

The repetition of Zeke's name is a problem. Change the second one to 'him'.
“The Phantom is a illness that no one can...

Change the 'a' to 'an'.
“Please, Mai, no thanks necessary, I want Kaysis to be well as much as you do.” Maxwell replied.

You've done this a few times so far, so I'm going to give you an example of it so you can fix the wrest. Right here you don't need to have 'Maxwell replied' because it would be weird for anyone but him to answer the question directed at him. Trimming down on a few unneccesary 'he said' sentences can increase the flow of the story. The real challange is deciding when its appropriate to do so. Also, never do this unless your sure its obvious who's talking.
Mai hugged Maxwell suddenly and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you, thank you for everything.” She sighed in relief.

Here's another thing you should know. You don't need the 'she sighed in relief' part. This is because the actions described above are done by her and its made obvious that she's the one about to speak. To really understand this, I'd suggest studying the dialog structure of the first Eragon book, by Christopher Paoulini. That's the kind of thing he usualy does, and you can learn from it.
“Shanghai, Mai, Zeke Young,”

Is Shanghai even a name? I know Shang is, but Shanghai?
Zeke merely glared daggers at her.

I believe that's the second time you've used that expression. First of all, if you made it up yourself, I'd get rid of it. Second, that expression kind of burns itself into one's memory, and using it again so close to its first use is noticed. I wouldn't use the expression again until well into your story, or not at all if you can help it.
He mouthed to Zeke “Let it go for now. It will do no good to try anything right now.”

That seams like a long thing to mouth. Besides, would it really matter if anyone heard that?
Zeke mouthed to Shang “go tell Kaysis.”

Once again, couldn't he say that outloud?

For a last few notes, why do they all have asian names? Don't they live in the USA? You also didn't do too much to hook me as a reader. The whole freaky eye thing and the spiked punch got me a little hooked but just barely enough. I'm not sure how you'll change that, though. You should probably keep it the same, but you may want to keep that in mind for future stories. Lastly, what's up with the fog at the beginning? I thought it was important somehow, but it ended up to be nothing at all. I just think you made it seam a little too important.

Overall, good job. You had a good pace throughout the story, your descriptions were good, so were your dialogs, and I'm getting into it a little bit. Not too much, but you've piqued my interest. I guess we'll see how this turns out.
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Hey there! Welcome to YWS! I see that you're new.

I have to say adored your description, especially the first bit, it created a wonderful mood for the story.

Fog walked slowly through the small town, so thick you could cut it with a knife.

As Mike already suggested, 'walked' doesn't feel right here. Maybe you can describe it creatively using some other word.

There he saw his younger sis sleeping in her bed and for the first time realized how loud the music really was. He could here it clearly through the walls on the second floor. Zeke walked over to her and sat down in the blue lazy boy recliner stationed there. He watched his sister sleep with a sullen expression. Zeke wished his thirteen-year-old sis would get well soon. She had missed the last few days of school because she had gotten sick and she couldn’t go anywhere with her friends because of it.


-You should change sis to sister.

-Now where you on to say that part in italic. We need more emotion there. He wished she would get better. Why does he wish that? Show us how fond he is of her, through his actions, his facial expressions.

-That seems like a pretty week reason for him wanting her to get well. You're not making us sympathize. Missing school and not being able to hang out with friends shouldn't be the biggest deal right now.

Zeke gathered up her long light brown, almost white hair and began to gently braid it back. When he was just about done, she shifted and looked sleepily up at him.

Now that was good. Here I could see Zeke's fondness for his sister. But just a small suggestion, rather than braiding the hair, make Zeke 'fiddle' with her hair or stroke it. Braiding doesn't seem to fit Zeke's personality.

Zeke saw this and new immediately what she was thinking. He gathered Kaysis onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her protectively. “Listen to me, Kaysis, you will get better and you will be able to laugh again.” He promised. “Do you understand me?”
Kaysis nodded. “I understand, big brother.”


Wonderful. Above I was trying to tell you we need more emotion through action dialog. We got it here. You also give a good reason as to why he wants her to get better.
So she can laugh again.


“The Phantom is a illness that no one can tell where it originated from or what caused it, Shang.” Maxwell explained. “By all accounts who ever is infected should be healthy, but instead they are sick as a dog.”

-why should the healthy if they get infected? I'm just confused. I mean if I've got a flue, you wouldn't expect me to be healthy, I would be expected to be as sick as a dog.

She was their social worker after all and if angered could separate them all. “I’ve done my best to keep all of you together. You all have even remained here in your house because Dr. Maxwell Julian has been helping with the payments.” the businesswoman paused a moment. “Now, I here Kaysis is sick?”

-If she is a social worker, why do you introduce her to us as a business women?

Shang watched until the car disappeared around a corner before climbing up into the tree that was at the far end of the yard. Shang sat there for what seemed to be ages, to him at least.

- At first I thought you were saying that the car climbed up the tree. Lol. I read it about two times before I understood it was Shang. So you might want to work that out.



“No, you can’t take our sister from us.” Zeke shouted angrily, standing. “Shang has custody of all of us since he is nineteen!”


“Give it up Zeke,” Shang ordered. “Mom left us when Kaysis was five and hasn’t come back since. If she wanted us, she would have phoned or written to us by now.”


Hmm, I'm just confused here. If Kaysis was five when Mom left and is now 13, so that has been 8 years. So if Shang is 19 now he must have been 11 yrs old when Mom left. So... who was their guardian until Shang turned the appropriate age to have custody over them?? Where did they live? Maybe you'll explain this later on...

Over All

Awesome story! Really, I must hand it to you, I loved it. The characterization was done very well. I already love Zeke. Though I don't know much about Kaysis. I also loved how you made the effort to give good descriptions. Just weave in some more emotion here and there and you're good to go.

-Hope this helped! PM if you have any questions or if you post more.
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Thanks for all your acvice! it really helps me understand what I need to do to make the story better.

To answer your question mikedb1492 shanghai is the name of a city in China, but it's not a name. I chose it as a name though because I wanted the name Shang to be a shortened version of my characters full name.

Thanks again for all the helpful advice!



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