Nightfall

A silent kiss upon my cheek,
the brush of long lost memory.
An ancient tomb cloaked in dust,
and shrouded in dark mystery.
Alone we stand against the night,
‘till breath and blood shall fail us.
To fight for that which we believe,
steadfast for time unending.
To stand and face a deadly foe,
and to know the anguish of defeat.

This was good, not much to critque. Make it a little longer perhaps?

What does everyone else think?

Nice job, though. I really felt like you conveyed the theme of Nightfall well.

Eimear

Hmmm, God I'm noticing a pattern with ya now. You have a wonderful idea but ya cramp it in one stanza. You need to learn not to limit your imagination to one measly stanza. Because here ya have so much being cramped into one stanza the meaning not all that clear.

Just for an idiot, what is or who is Nightfall? I feel I'm not privy to essential facts.

Overall: I see the same pattern with most of your poetry you limit yourself so much making it so much harder for ya to do any good.

Good luck
VSN

I have to agree with Vernon. I feel like this poem could have been expressed with many more words, and that you was just ready to end it.

The imagery was very nice, though. It made me feel like I was watching an old vampire movie!

I don't like it because it doesn't make me feel anything. In the end I asked myself, "What did he just tell me?" and honestly, I couldn't really answer that question. I'm not sure this poem is about anything, though it is about something. What I mean to say it, though you tell us something, in the end it doesn't seem to matter and so it leaves me without anything. Poetry should, at its best, leave the reader with a thought or a feeling, a change in belief, perhaps.

Another thing that needs to be fixed is that almost all of your sentences are incomplete. And perhaps that is why I feel you are not saying anything? Incomplete sentences should be used sparingly, if at all. Here, the only sentence that may be complete is "Alone we stand against the night, / ‘till breath and blood shall fail us." Which brings me to another point. Your punctuation is in a pattern of comma, period, comma, period. This might be the reason why none of it is making sense or why all of your sentences, for the most part, are fragments. Don't punctuate in a pattern like that, punctuate as grammar would have you normally do so. Otherwise it looks weird, and reads poorly. Unless your sentences actually form comma, period, comma, period flow, don't do it.

I felt like you have a lot of great ideas, but none were quite complete or developed. Now, that's not always a bad thing, but in this particular piece, I really couldn't get into the mood of the poem. I think to develop it more, you could make sure you aren't simply using fragments. you have good images, now just ask yourself what these images are doing or how you react to them.

As someone else said, the comma-period-comma structure doesn't do this piece justice.
Hope this helps maybe
happy editing,
s