Bona Fide..

3 posts
Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 2
It started off innocently enough....
And after seeing her radiant face,
his heart was instantly struck by Cupid's arrow.
It was, as they say, love at first sight.
And he believed it too!
She was his beautiful stranger.
He was her loving pursuer.
However, everyone said he was in no state to love...or be loved
(You see, his mind was cluttered and widely narrow)

He looked at her with eyes of hope.
Could she be the one?
Could she his Guiding star?
and bring him back home?


Without thinking, towards her he began to run
Not knowing that love is a fight.
A great battle between
the thinking mind and passionate heart.
He had the heart, but as I said his mind wasn't quite right.


He spent much time, getting to know her.
Her joys and fears
What she valued most,
and what made her tear
and soon the time came when he could boast

That his "love" was no stranger anymore,
but a very good friend
A friend with whom he had such a great bond
that not even Janus could end.

He waited for some time to tell he how he really felt.
He hesitated for he did not want they bond to end.
He prayed that everything would work out for the best
and when the time came to tell her,
he mustered up all his courage and after hearing his outpouring of devotion, she smiled and said:
"I like you too. You're a great friend"

His heart was broken. He didn't know what to do.
He didn't know whether to smile because she was still a friend
Or cry because that's all that she ever would be.
He wondered if all this was this just a test?

He never gave up. He spent even more time with her.
Making her smile, and helping her through her sorrows
He consoled himself with the hope that maybe one day,
one day soon, they might share many -a-happy tomorrows,
and whenever people told him to get over her, he would smile. "One day she'll be mine. Be more than my friend" he'd always say.

He had been subdued by her beauty,
overwhelmed by her grace.
How was he supposed to know,
that behind her smiling face,
she wished with all her might, that he would just leave her alone and go?

But he did realize it with the passing of time.
He realized that telling someone you love them gave them permission to hurt you,
he soon found out that she was involved with another lad.
He was heartbroken. Full of sorrow and woe
But consoled himself with the fact that one day his love might realize what she and he had.

And when she does, she will come running back to him,
with arms stretched open wide
And although he had no thinking mind
he had a loving heart.
His devotion to her was genuine. It was bona fide.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 32885
Reviews 2058
He waited for some time to tell he how he really felt.
He hesitated for he did not want they bond to end.
You have some typos in these lines. "He" should be "her" and "they" should be "the".


Really, all I can start with is that this is beyond cliché and much longer than necessary. The situation presented to the reader is an old one, and there isn't even a new twist on it. It's like a bad story in verse--bad because it is all telling. You use adjectives like "sorrow" and "woe". How does that describe how he feels? It doesn't because those words are bland.

You could cut all of this and rewrite it, focusing on just a single event. Any of them. Where she declines him, where he realizes she doesn't like him, where he finds out about her new lover. Just focus on that, and rather than telling, show us and hold us in the event, making us associate with and feel with the reader. Make us your reader. Make me feel. Keep in mind that using metaphors and imagery will help you out tenfold; boring language is always, and will always be, boring.


Hope this helped!
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 2
Wow!! Thanks a lot Suzanne! You made a lot of sense, and everything what you said what spot on! The poem really was bland and a bit too lengthy, and I should have putten more effort into it. I really appreciate your feedback and I shall take into consideration your tips when writiting poems in the future. Once again, thanks.



I drink tea and forget the world's noises.
— Chinese saying