Scavenger

Mwahaha, I do love being the first respondent.

It quite a large room that we were in,

Bleh. Why not just “We were in a large room”—no song and dance necessary, sa?

that matched the four poster bed’s curtains and quilt.

This is stretching the description a bit—I’d nix “four poster” and just say “the bed’s curtains and quilt.” The curtains will hint at four poster-ed-ness.

I had seen only the flag flying from a distance

That ‘only’ is in an awkward spot—“I had only seen the flag flying” might work better.

then became business like.

I do believe there should be a dash there: business-like.

a flare of red like the leap of a poked fire

This is delightful! You’re really going description-happy in the first few pages here—it’s lots of fun, but watch out for too many long sentences.

his brown, bright brass-buttoned jacket

Erg, perhaps consider nixing “bright brass-buttoned”?

It was funny, I reflected, how he could manage to throw in all those ‘sirs’ and still sound completely sincere.

That’s exactly what I thought about Ulrick.

as he urged the sack of potatoes that passed for a horse

Who’s horse are we talking about here? Either way, tis a bit too wordy.

Perched up high on the horse made me feel very vulnerable, open to stares and comments. Even small groups of people like these made me feel nervous,

You could probably get away with totally nixing the bit in red and start the sentence with “I couldn’t help but remember”—would avoid a tad of redundancy.


The flashback to Quennel was awesome—and gives us some insight as to why we don’t totally hate him.

‘Did you say the queen? As in the queen queen? The actual, living, breathing, talking, commanding, beheading, regal, stinking-filthy-rich queen?’

Yes, that queen.

A man in a long maroon velvet jacket and boots that looked even more uncomfortable than Dorian’s

Another slightly long-winded description. I’m not trying to get you to nix all of them, I just wanted to point out that there are a lot in this chapter.

Says he liked him doing that

Do you mean “she liked him doing that”?

Several side passages branched off on either side,

You see the problem.

I blinked. I hadn’t known that Dorian spoke Elvish.

Well that’s interesting…

‘It was my pleasure, ma’am.’

This may just be me, but I’d think a queen would merit a bit more than a ‘ma’am’.

Already the memory of Quennel was fading like a half-remembered dream, as though he were something that had happened a long, long time ago.

I remember that bit in Fal’s story, where he got ticked because the humans have longer memories. Intriguing tie-in.

‘If it was red, maybe, to would contrast with the black.’

Eh? Typo?


Overall

I like the queen. I sorta like Dorian. I can’t wait to see her outfit. Other than a slight over-abundance of wordy descripts, this has been an awesome chapter! Can’t wait to read more!

The voices in my head were so loud they woke me. Even then they carried on, though outside my head now.

This is a little awkward. Not the first part, but the way you phrased the second sentence. I tried to reword for you a couple of times, and this is the best I came up with:
"The voices in my head were so loud they woke me; even then, they carried on, and it became clear that they were now outside of my head."
I'm not sure. But it does need some work. I'd play with it for a while and see what you can come up with on your own.

‘Its owner wrote all its care down on those papers, so be careful with them, Ulrick.’

I'd say "all the instructions for its care."

Dash it, Ulrick, I forgot that.

Haha. Made me smile.

‘Dash it, Ulrick, I forgot that. He said it was about thirteen years old, though. In a dog, that would be ancient. Though I suppose it isn’t really a dog.’

‘No, sir.’

‘Still, Elves live to be about sixty, don’t they? Hybrids shouldn’t be too different.’

‘No, sir. The dark red trousers, sir?’

‘Oh yes, thank you.’

‘A pleasure, sir.’

I love the agreeable attitude this guy has. Excellent servant.

‘Well, Ulrick? What do you think of it?’

Too much Laurell K Hamilton still slinking around in my brain. I keep reading the name as "Ulfric."

It is perhaps not the most attractive of creatures, sir.

Ouch. Haha.

But it has a certain strangeness about its face… It makes me want to look at it again, sir, if you know what I mean, sir.’

I'm trying very hard to ignore your ellipses and let you make your own stylistic choices.

‘Sir? If you’ll pardon me, sir, the jabot…’

What's a "jabot?"

It quite a large room that we were in, with smooth panelled walls and bright red carpets that matched the four poster bed’s curtains and quilt.

"The room was a large one, with smooth, panelled walls (( or smooth-panelled walls )) and bright red carpets that matched the curtains and quilt on the four-poster bed that stood in the corner."
Or wherever the four-posted bed is. I took the passive voice out of the first part of the sentence and rearranged the rest just a little. You also left out the word "was" at the beginning.

There were two mahogany chairs and a matching bedside table with a tray on.

"With a tray on" sounds really wierd to me.

Oh-h,’ I said, impressed. I knew that the Wald was the poshest district in Selseaton; all the people with fancy long names lived there, including the royal family, the Burchards.

Hehe, "fancy long names."

Quennel hadn’t thought that anyone with more than two names would be interested in a hybrid.

Rich people LOVE curios. Quennel's kind of a lousy businessman, isn't he? He keeps making poor decisions.

‘I dare say.’ He eyed his feet for a moment, frowning, then became business like.

I'd say "Dorian" instead of "he," since it was Ulrick who spoke last. Also, you need a dash in "business-like."

Blimey, I’m moving in distinguished circles, now.

He patted its dark brown neck soothingly and followed Dorian as he urged the sack of potatoes that passed for a horse out of the courtyard and into the street.

You've got a little pronoun confusion in this sentence.
"followed Dorian as he urged..."
Is "he" Dorian, or Ulrick?

It was clean and wide outside; it smelt of chimney smoke with a faint aura of roses coming from the gardens we passed.

Two things. I'm not sure quite what you mean by "wide," here. And I'm not sure that "aura" describes a scent. "Odor," perhaps?

A few girls in almost clean white aprons

"Almost-clean."

an elderly lady with a black veil and shielding her face with spotless white gloves

Either "with a black veil shielding her face and spotless white gloves" or "with a black veil, shielding her face with spotless white gloves." You've got kind of a floating "and," there.

but I still huddled under Dorian’s cloak, grateful now of his encircling arms.

"grateful now for his encircling arms."

Perched up high on the horse made me feel very vulnerable, open to stares and comments.

"Perched up high on the horse, I felt very vulnerable..."
or
"Being perched up high on the horse made me feel very vulnerable..."

My lead was tied to the door handle, and it was a matter of seconds to untie it and creep out of the back door into the alleyway behind.

Again, Quennel comes out looking the fool.

‘It’s got pointed ears!’ he yelled, and the crowd stilled for a moment. Then it roared up again in a rising wave of emotion and noise.

‘It’s an elf!’

‘It’s an elf witch!’

‘’Tisn’t an elf! I seen Elves, they’re nothin’ like that!’

‘You never seen an Elf, Beda Skarsgar! It’s an Elf and all!’

The circle closed, and suddenly it seemed that everyone was trying to grab my hair and hit my shoulders and pull me this way and push me that way and kick me to the ground and drag me away. I covered my head with my arms and screamed.

Do the dislike Elves much? lol Anyway, sometimes you capitalize Elf and sometimes you don't. Make up your mind.

‘You’ve hit the nail right on the head, Ulrick. I am nervous. I’m nervous because I’m on my way to the queen to tell her that I’ve finally got her niece’s birthday present, and doesn’t she think it looks sweet?’

Oooh, the Queen! Raven is moving up in the world, isn't she?

It’s difficult to slap someone’s ear when both you and the someone are on a horse, but Dorian managed it. ‘Be quiet, you stupid creature!’

Made me laugh.

‘But the queen?’

Comma after "but."

For the next seven minutes, I sat quietly and attempted to digest all this.

Seven minutes seems oddly precise. o.o

I could Sense Dorian’s nervous excitement,

I don't think you need ESP for that one.

The gravel path crunched, as though it were pale brown sugar and the horse was eating it through its hooves.

I don't think this simile really makes any sense. I'd just lose it entirely, or pick something completely different.

Dorian reined the horse in.

Dorian reined in his horse.

‘And she’s crying her eyes out over him. Says he liked him doing that and it was only his way of showing that he cared about her.’

‘Caring, my foot! I told her, I did. I says, “Grizelda,” I says…’

I like this whole conversation. Nice to get a little side glimpse into the servants' world, though when you set up something like this you need to have it come back in the story. At least these characters should, or perhaps Grizelda. I don't know how planned-out you've got this thing...

‘Sir,’ Ulrick ventured, ‘may I ask why we’re using the servants’ way?’

‘The queen wishes it. It’s a birthday present, remember? No sense in spoiling the surprise.’

‘Ah.’ Ulrick nodded and followed us up.

*coughexpositionaldialoguecough*

I blinked. I hadn’t known that Dorian spoke Elvish. ‘Sa, tighearna Dorian-ner. Ow dallt.’

Cool. Elivish.

could only come up with ‘commanding’.

Period goes inside the quote mark.

‘Well, that aside, may I see the information on its care?’

Just a note: I don't think a queen asks for anything from her subordinates.

‘Apple juice! I’m giving my niece a hybrid with apple juice eyes?’

‘Apple juice coloured eyes, ma’am.’

It'd be "apple-juice eyes," I think.

I nodded politely, but couldn’t help feel puzzled. She’s telling me all this? Why? I mean, I’m a hybrid. She just bought me. I’m a… a thing that she’s going to give to her niece as a birthday present. Why’s she giving me all this info? I was tempted to ask this out loud, but decided that it might not be deemed respectful enough.

I was thinking this, myself.

‘Mm, I don’t know, ma’am, that might be a bit too much.’ Stefan held up my arm and tapped it critically. ‘It’s very thin. And –’ He raised his bright eyebrows. ‘Its arms and legs are all the same length?’

Crazy!





Every time I review a chapter of this piece, I find more good things to say and less bad! I would like to say, though, that I'm still totally unclear as to what, exactly, Raven is. I mean, sure, she's a hybrid. I have the general idea that this means half-elf, and she can do the whole Sense thing, but she's still very vague. I keep hoping we'll find out something new, and you keep teasing me with these tiny little scraps! It's fine, though, for now. Keeps me reading, because I want to find out. And that's the ultimate goal of any story, isn't it?

Also, I think I did a good job not hassling you about your ellipses, this time.