Part One

June 26, 2006: Robin

The way his head slammed against the wall shook the two onlookers. It cracked loudly but he didn’t acknowledge the pain. That’s what scared them. They weren’t really onlookers. The hardest fact to bear was that they knew him. He was a brother to one and a friend of the other. They were the ones responsible for holding him down.

But still, he continued to struggle. His teeth gnashed together as he grunted. Their grip tightened and his nostrils flared. They weren’t trying to hurt him. They were trying to stop him from hurting them. They had raised him and this is what he had become. For a moment he seemed barely human as he cried out and let his muscles twist beneath them.

Soon the only sound that filled the room was his rough breathing. The back of his head hit the wall once more and he grew still. Tentatively they eased up on him; both were panting hard with their heartbeats echoing in their ears. Their bodies stood rigid as they watched him slump to the floor. Then it was just the two of them.

Neither of them even tried to gain the other’s eye contact. Both of them just stared ahead as if the other were invisible. Hours later, long after the police had come and gone, they both went their own way. But he was the bridge between them. And even though they would try to focus on something—anything else, this memory of him was reoccurring. This was his lasting image.


———————
Author's Note: This is more like an intro to the story (considering it's length). It's not the complete story. This is all I have so far.

Hey there!

"The way his head slammed against the wall shook the two onlookers", nice opening line, it instantly made me curious as to what was going on. It's all quite a gripping introduction.

"But still, he continued to struggle," connectives do not make good sentence starters, though I'm guilty of the same habit.

The last paragraph could do with a little work. Maybe a little more description on how the scene affected the two boys at that point, we already know it would leave a lasting image. This would be a good opportunity to bring in some depth to their characters, like what thoughts where going through their minds. The fact that they're a brother and a friend could give them completely different outlooks. Just a suggestion.

Overall, nice work Overall this is definately a brilliant introduction, I can't wait to read more.

Hola!

I liked this. It was a little short to really do a full critique but you definitely caught my attention! You had a very mysterious conflict going on here and you did a nice job drawing the reader into the story. Sorry I can't give you a longer review but I couldn't see any errors (so I guess that is a good thing! )

Please PM me if you choose to put more of your story on here!

Review for a Review!

I. NITPICKS

Robin wrote:The way his head slammed against the wall shook the two onlookers. It cracked loudly but he didn’t acknowledge the pain. That’s what scared them. And they weren’t really onlookers. The hardest fact to bear was that they knew him. He was a brother to one and a friend of the other. They were the ones responsible for holding him down.

This was a good beginning, but the "And they weren't really onlookers" was a bit awkward. I think you should combine it with another sentence.

But still, he continued to struggle. His teeth gnashed together and he grunted. Their grip tightened and his nostrils flared. They weren’t trying to hurt him—no, they were trying to stop him from hurting them. They had raised him and this is what he had become. For a moment he seemed barely human as he cried out and let his muscles twist beneath them.

I think you used "and" a bit too often in here.

Soon the only sound that filled the room was his rough breathing. Then the back of his head hit the wall once more and he grew still. Tentatively they eased up on him; both were panting hard with their heartbeats echoing in their ears. Their bodies stood rigid as they watched him slump to the floor. Then it was just the two of them.

You used Then twice in here. I think you should combine the two "thens" with the other sentences. Especially the last one.

Neither of them even tried to gain the other's eye contact. Both of them just stared ahead as if the other were invisible. That’s how it ended. They both went their own way but he was the bridge between them. And even though they would try to focus on something—anything else, this memory of him was reoccurring. This was his lasting image.

II. OVERALL IMPRESSION

I thought this was a really good piece. The fight was very interesting and well-illustrated. I liked how fast-paced and short this was, it really fits the theme. Nothing I could find. I really enjoyed this.

Heehee…This is from another one of the ‘is your story clichéd?’ quiz. I knew I had seen something like this, went searching, and figured I’d show you it, just to make your life miserable. ;P

1. Is [your character’s] name YOUR name?
2. Your nickname?
3. Your net name?
4. A really cool name?
5. That you wish you had?
6. That you've tried to get other people to call you?

Ahem...on to the review! The numbers next to the highlighted sections correspond with the 'highlighted comments,' as always.



Highlighted Comments

1. This could be much stronger. I’d start with showing his head slamming against the wall, then how the two onlookers were shocked. If you show us, we will feel like we are there.
2. First, I’d start a new paragraph. Also, this is very contradictory, and it bothers me. You told me they were, and now you’re changing your mind?
3. Literally or figuratively? If literally, show us!
4. This sounds too much like you’re talking to friends, and is different from the rest of your voice. I’d ditch it.
5. Italics?
6. Italics?
7. You use this a lot. Maybe just ‘they?’
8. Maybe ‘come and gone?’ This bothers me for some reason.

Overall Comments

Honestly? I didn’t like it. (I like to go against the others. ;P) Yes, you have a great writing style, but that’s it. I was just reading words. I wasn’t there.

It’s the age-old ‘show don’t tell.’ You told us everything that was happening, and left out many parts. Who was fighting whom? Who won? I know you want to leave us hanging, and that’s fine. But all I did was read about a struggle. I didn’t see anything, so I don’t know what happened. When you show us something, you still have the power to leave us in the dark a bit.

I would expand this a lot. Show us the fight, let us feel what they’re feeling. Let us see the remains.

Most people do know how to show instead of tell. If you don’t, and I’m telling you to do something you’re clueless about, PM me and I’ll explain. ;P

Good job, but make sure the reader feels like they’re there. I shouldn’t be able to remember that I’m reading.

~JFW1415