The Shiner

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The hot summer day had turned us into popsicles - two frozen treats sitting side-by-side, excreting sticky perspiration in the way that only forgotten dreamsicles could. And, just like popsicles, we sat in silence having realized that they’re were only two fates that we could meet that day - to melt into a slippery puddle or be completely engulfed sometime in the day.

Artie was slowly chewing on a stub of a fingernail, looking intently out into the horizon that was obscured by the houses across my porch. Their windows were thrown up to their fullest extent - in some vain hope that they may be able to entice a visit from a cool breeze. He spat at the sun-dried lawn.

“Fitz, what are we going to do today? It’s just so…so damned hot…” he panted as he pulled his wet collar away from his neck.

“Don’t talk that way,” I replied - quite aware that my mother was only a door away - sprawled somewhere in the dark house in front of the only fan we owned. “Of course there’s gonna be something to do today…we could go cool off under the hose -”

“We’ve done all that shit already. We need something to do some sort of adventure,” he said as he stood up and dusted the red dirt off of his ratty, grass-stained pants. His eyes returned to the horizon - or at least the house in front of him - and the look of deep concentration returned to his face. “Think about it Fitz, you could impress Molly. She might even call you Elmore, you know in the sweet-talky way she does…the way that makes you blush like a damned made-up girl…”

“Shut up, Ar-thur!” I said hoarsely as I jumped up and stood in front of him clenching my wavering fists together at my sides. His freckled face was pulled up into a mocking smile, revealing his jumbled, tarter-stained teeth. I glared at him, and his mouth cracked open wider when he saw this, a high-pitched laugh tumbling out

“Fitzy, Fitzy, I’m not against you. I’m in your army…or maybe your in my army…but whatever. I don’t want to get caught up in some trifling argument with you like some damned girl…”

“Fine,” I replied allowing my hands to relax at their sides.

“Hey there!” Molly called out as she walked down the porch with the door slamming behind her. She didn’t walk over, instead, she stood at the bottom step looking down the sidewalk, expectant.

Every fiber in my being made me want to be the person she was waiting for. The person that would run across the street and grab her hand as she smiled, nervously running her hair through her crinkle fry hair.

“Hey, lookit!” Artie exclaimed as he jabbed me in the ribs. “It’s her!” As if I didn’t notice her standing there. As if I didn’t notice her waiting for someone besides me.

“Shuddup, I don’t care,” I lied.

I watched Henry walked down the pavement to Molly and saw how her face exploded into a smile that contained triple the joy it did whenever she saw me, whenever said “hi” to me. I watched as they hovered around each other and how they talked for a moment until their hands were magnetically drawn to each other and finally laced together.

I watched as they strolled lazily down the sidewalk laughing in the way that couples do, Hey we’re together, the laugh screamed out to anyone in the proximity. Just wanted to make sure you noticed. But I couldn’t possibly imagine that Molly would endure such silliness especially with some as pathetic as Henry. Especially with someone who wasn’t me.

“Ah, that’s got to hurt Fitz,” Artie said watching the pair. “I’m gonna take you up on that offer though…maybe we should cool off with the hose. I swear I might just melt in this heat.”

I started to run across the street blinded by the mirages that the sun reflected from multi-faceted asphalt.

“Fitz, Fitz, what the hell are you doing?!”

I heard him and Molly and Henry heard him, too, and stared as I ripped across the street almost tripping over my hand-me-down shoes. But I didn’t stop until I reached the pavement, panting only a foot away from Molly. Artie caught up with me and grabbed my arm panting.

“Hey, El-more,” Molly said as she made an attempt to disentangle the offensive relationship-knot she made with Henry, but he held fast and after a second attempt Molly gave up.

“Don’t you see we’re busy, Fitzgerald?” Henry said with an eye roll.

“N-no!” I replied a little too quickly, a little too loudly. “I just wanted to say hi to…Molly…”

Henry laughed. “I’ll get rid of this creep, Molly.”

“He’s not a creep,” Artie retorted.

“Oh, you shut the hell up, Dobbs. Learn a li’l somethin’ from ya father - if he had kept his damned trap shut he might not be in the clink.”

Artie face crumbled.

“Don’t talk to him like that,” I said.

“What?” Henry mocked.

“You heard me.”

“Maybe’ll just hafta get a little closer to hear ya pipsqueak,” Henry his hand from Molly and walked closer. “You know, I get what you’re pullin’ right now…Fitzgerald…I get it. You want my girl, but you know what? She doesn’t like you so give the hell up.”

“No,” I said so quickly that I didn’t even know what I was rejecting. Was I rejecting that I liked her or that I should give up?

Either way, Henry punched me, his knuckles jabbing deeply into my left eye and cheek until it retreated. I stumbled to the ground, my hands scraping painfully against the burning sidewalk. Reflexively, I pulled my sting left hand over my throbbing right eye - nursing the developing shiner that was slowly swelling over my eye and cheek.

Molly as screaming now, “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“What the hell is wrong with you Fitz? What the hell is wrong with you? You challenged Henry…goddammnit! You know Bash ‘em up Henry!

Molly was now next to him, trying to move my hand from my eye.

“Elmore! Elmore! Let me see it…please…”

“S’okay…M-molly,” I said as soon as a trusted that my voice wouldn’t betray the fact that I was trying my hardest not to cry.

Author's Note: I really don't know what I'm going to do with Elmore or whether or not I'm going to continue writing stories about him...anyways...I haven't quite pinpointed Elmore's age and I think that it would be safest to say that this is set in the 1970's and it's him reflecting on Molly. I had lots of fun writing this piece especially sense Artie has just discovered the joy of swear words! Everyone is ten - except Henry, he's twelve. Rated for said language.
Last edited by Periwinkle on Sat May 03, 2008 6:01 pm, edited 7 times in total.
Maybe you should kiss someone nice or lick a rock, or both - Regina Spektor




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Aw. Continue this! I want to know what happens very badly! I got a good description of the day as well, in the beginning, with the popsicles. Only one thing, and its just a typo:

ou challenged Henry…goddammnit! Bashh ‘em up Henry!”

I THINK that should be You, not "ou". Just thought I'd point it out.

Great work, keep it up, and write more! (please)




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I didn't really like this sentence:

The hot Summer day had turned us into popsicles - two frozen treats sitting side by side, excreting sticky perspiration in way that only forgotten dreamsicles could.


It seemed like you were milking too much out of that popsicle reference.

Also this kind of disturbed me a little.

Artie was slowly chewing on a stub of a fingernail, looking intently out into the horizon that was obscured by houses across mine. He spat a cuticle out into the dried lawn.


Okay...chewing on the tips of his fingernails or was it completely off? Because the tip isn't exactly what the cuticle is.

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But anyway I like your characterization in this. You showed a lot of their reactions and personality in this not-so-large amount of text. I can't really find anything "wrong" with it which is good. Just maybe break up your sentences into shorter ones. Especially this one:

Every fiber in my being made me want to be the person she was waiting for, the person that would run across the street and grab her hand as she smiled, nervously running her hair through her crinkle fry hair.


That's a mouthful. But anyway nice job otherwise :D




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Hello! In your blog you said you needed more critiques, so here I am! Enjoy!

The numbers next to the highlighted text correspond with the 'highlighted comments' below.

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Highlighted Comments

1. Huh?
2. This sounds odd – too mature for the voice that was speaking.
3. I repeat: huh?
4. Odd wording.
5. Why red…?
6. I feel like I want him to say it that way after this, mocking Fitz.
7. Why’s he say it this way?
8. Odd. Maybe ‘His freckled face was pulled up into a mocking smile, revealing his jumbled, tarter-stained teeth. I glared at his, and his mouth cracked open wider when he saw this, a high-pitched laugh tumbling out.’ *Shrug*
9. Dashes, not ellipses.
10. Looong sentence. Split it up, please?
11. I’d ditch this. Too much repetition. You made your effect with the ‘as if I didn’t notice her.’
12. Saying ‘shut up’ isn’t lying. The next part is.
13. Huh? You’re missing a word.
14. This should be a separate sentence. Yours get loooong…
15. Ditch the quotes and add italics? Same with ‘Just wanted to make sure you noticed!’
16. Cut him off before, let him pause, something to show that Fitz did something. This is just…sudden.
17. Pick one.
18. Expand! Show!
19. Sounds mean, but then it looks like she wasn’t…
20. Hate this word.
21. Who’s? Either ‘your’ or ‘my.’
22. But he sounded normal before! Keep it consistent.
23. A ten year old said this? No way.
24. What’s up with this?
25. Suggestion: ‘would.’
26. I’d ditch this.
27. New paragraph, and show this!
28. Oh…is that his nickname? Or is he telling Henry to do this? Rather confusing…
29. We heard her scream, but that’s it. Show that she’s upset.
30. I’d love it if his voice cracked anyway. ;P Also, a rather sudden ending…

Overall Comments

This was a good piece. I understood where every one of your characters were coming from – none of them were forced. They also all seemed to have a history, even though we’ve just met them, which is very hard to pull off. Good job!

A few suggestions, though.

Where Are They? Yes, you explain at the beginning, but us readers have a bad tendency to forget. Slip in little comments about where they are – maybe Fitz looks up when he’s on the ground and gets blinded by the sun? Or we see Molly’s hair lift in the breeze when Fitz is admiring her from afar? Little details to remind us how nice it is will help. Also, let us get the feeling that they’re on a sidewalk/road. Does Fitz get scraped when he falls on the pavement?

They’re How Old? I really don’t think you’re age choice is correct. (In your author’s note you said about ten.) Yes, the very beginning sounded around ten, but after that I’d say…twelve? Thirteen? Remember, boys think girls have cooties for ages. They don’t use swears this often for awhile (though it’s getting younger and younger.)

Why’d You Say That? You have a good voice going here, but every once in a while you throw in a word like ‘ruse’ or ‘amorphous.’ It sticks out, and makes the reader conscious that they’re reading.

How’s It End? This seemed to end way too abruptly. I’m assuming it will be continued, but you didn’t say so. Maybe just end with them walking away, laughing? Molly dumping the jerk?

Slow Down, Please? At first, you had a good pace going on. But when you had Fitz run across the road, things seemed to happen very quickly. Slow down, let us see it a bit more.

What's With The Names? I’m a little curious as to why Molly calls Fitz ‘Elmore.’ Is his first name something with ‘El?’ Do the guys just call him by his last name? If so, why doesn’t he call them by their last names?

Other than that, it is good. I really like your characters.

Also, I'm assuming it's called The Shiner because he got a black eye? If so, show us.

PM me with questions, boredom, or more pieces to critique.

Good luck, and happy editing!

~JFW1415




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Pinata: Hahaa....thanks.

Robin: That's a really interesting diagram. Thanks! Thanks for everything else, too.

JFW: Very helpful. I didn't even realize my sentences were that long. You can tell I'm bad at ages though..Also, Henry is twelve not ten. But thanks for pointing out everything else. I'm fixing it now. :D
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Periwinkle wrote:JFW: Very helpful. I didn't even realize my sentences were that long. You can tell I'm bad at ages though..Also, Henry is twelve not ten. But thanks for pointing out everything else. I'm fixing it now. :D


Haha. I wasn't sure if you meant his brother or he was 10. *Shrug* It was too late for me to critique.

I'm awful at sentence length (well, paragraph length!) too. That's why it's always so good to have a second set of eyes look it over. :wink:

~JFW1415




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This was cute! Ten-year-old's learning to swear! lol :D

The hot Summer day had turned us into popsicles - two frozen treats sitting side by side, excreting sticky perspiration in way that only forgotten dreamsicles could. And, just like popsicles, we sat in silence having realized that they’re were only two fates that we could meet that day - to melt into two amorphous puddles or be completely engulfed sometime in the day..


All right, I liked this whole paragraph. The whole popsicle thing made me smile!

*beams*

It was perfectly written and you did beautifully with it!

“We’ve done all that shit already. We need something to do some of that adventure,” he said as he stood up and dusted the red dirt off of his ratty, grass-stained pants.


This, you forgot a comma. It should read: "We need something to do, something of that adventure,"

Otherwise, this was really good. I totally advise you to continue this! :D PM me if you choose to!
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Peri:

While I noticed the occasional nitpick of a "your" instead of "you're" and perhaps a missed letter in a word, this piece was excellent. I have a few general comments that might help, in my opinion.

My general thought process throughout this entire story was that these children were older, teenage perhaps. As such, their dialog seemed very, very childish. It wasn't until reading your note that I realized they were younger, and that the dialog made sense. I think you should establish their ages early in the story, to put your reader's in the mindset that these are children, and not our peers (for the most part).

Otherwise, the tone and the pace of the story seemed to match the plot well, and your sentence structure didn't bother me in the least. Well done.

--King
“Yesterday we obeyed kings and bent our necks before emperors. But today we kneel only to truth, follow only beauty, and obey only love.”

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Thanks everyone! I've completely edited now based on everyone's suggestions and JFW's nitpicks.

Ashleylee: Aww...thanks...I have a weird thing about describing something repeatedly in the beginning (I do the same thing in "The Monster")

Suicide King: Thanks, I'm going to comb through it for those mistakes.

I think I am going to continue it at least once more, but from Molly's point of view.
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Peri, I'm sorry I took so long to crit your peice. Finals, stuff like that, you know. On to the review.

Whoa, those kids have quite a vocabulary for ten :shock: . A nice introduction to the story, but I cant' wait for the plot to kick in. This has a My Girl/Sandlot feel to it. You know like a bunch of kids living a a suburban neghborhood in the late 60's/70's in the summer. I liked it very much. I wished that you could have set up the personalities for all the kids, but this is a great start.
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My first "review" so I aint gotta get all into or anything, so yeah.

Overall, I really liked the story. I usually don't read other amature writers, so i don't get to see alot of cool stuff like this. Alot of people, myself included, want to write about all this important crap, but the simple stuff is great, if you've got the skill to back it up, as you evidently have.

Things I didn't like so much. The fact that I can't write anything like this without feeling guilty of associative plageurism (or however you spell it). And the beginning, and some of the middle seemed a little wordy, as in a bunch of big words next to each other, it slows things down alot. And the whole popsicle thing was nice imagery, but it just sounded awkward if you read it outloud(which I usually do)




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i love the lazy summer day vibe, and the characters are interesting, but they do seem older. just one thing that really stuck out- do guys say "every fiber in my being"? i don't like that saying in general, i think it's too melodramatic,but maybe that's just a personal thing because i've read it in way too many books i dislike. or maybe i'm just a cynic.
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Aestar: Thanks a lot for your review! I really don't mind waiting.

Muteman: Thanks, too, I'm working on my word choice right now. I'm trying to make it much more simple (as in the word choice - not the plot) to give it a more guy-ish feel? I was reading an article about writing from opposite genders and guys don't usually elaborate on their feelings (as Elmore whiningly does) and so I really need to work on it. I do plan on expanding now.

Bookworm: Haha...I've always had problems with ages. Yeah, I agree, I was getting to purple-prosey in that area. I'm really terrible at romance (even useless pining...) and I need to clean that up, too. No, you aren't being a cynic! Thanks a lot, too.

Off to edit (or write more)! Or play Sanctum...xD
Maybe you should kiss someone nice or lick a rock, or both - Regina Spektor



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