Young Writers Society

Here you are again, by my side
Far in the distance, like a dancing shadow,
That teases my eyes into following
The rhythm; your rhythm.

You don’t breathe on my neck any more
Or tell me that you love me;
Maybe you’re thinking it.
Think about me, like I think about you.

I sit and dream about us, before then.
Before people brought strudel and stew
To numb the pain and swell the
Stomach of my loneliness.

I laughed the other day, at the radio;
Our song was on. Corny. Just like you.
Laughter turned to guilt and I cried;
Cried like the child without the comforter.

Because that’s what you were.

Sometimes, I sit in the dark
To scare myself. Terrify the feelings
That make me scream inside.
Let me be empty.

The cars and the lights flash,
Inside my eyes when I sleep.
I hope you didn’t hurt as much
As I do now, my love.

Wondering if you’re watching
Drives me crazy. Maybe one day,
We’ll touch again. But for now;
Don’t see me any longer.

It’s time to join the stars.

Intresting rather abstract in some places not necessarily a bad thing. It didn't keep my interest in that I loved it. It's got skill though. Though you could maybe explain it better what exactly has happened.

Best stanza:

I laughed the other day, at the radio;
Our song was on. Corny. Just like you.
Laughter turned to guilt and I cried;
Cried like the child without the comforter.

You've a ton of great ideas now try make it clearer what happened.

Overall: You did a good job if only a bit vague on what happened. I didn't even realize it was a carcrash that's how vague it is. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

This was great! Wow I loved it. Please keep writing.

I actually liked the vagueness of this poem. It gives it a lot of sincerity. I could really see it in the bit about the radio and a laugh turning into a cry. Great emotion there.

I think that if you just came out and said it was a car wreck or if you even made it more noticeable, the poem would loose some of its sincerity. It seems like these are the internal thoughts of the speaker, and because the speaker KNOWS what happened, they wouldn't just blatantly say "oh it was a car crash", they would focus on the emotion, and I think you pulled that off well.

I don't know if that makes sense, but to summarize: I think it is excellent in all its vagueness. I wouldn't change that part about it if I were you. keep it up!
s

I really liked this, but it was sad. I don't know who lost who, or if anyone is lost at all, so that confused me slightly. You used some pretty powerful language and lines, which added some good emotions into the poem.

Good work.