Unbound

Bottle, bottle,
Let loose the pressure.
Free yourself,
Your soul, your mind.

Bottle, bottle,
Twist off your cap.
Pour out your contents,
Your thoughts, yourself.

Bottle, bottle,
Speak your words.
Allow them to flow,
Your spirit, your soul.

Bottle, bottle,
Burst on out.
Feel the relief.
You’re finally free.

***

Obviously, this is a metaphorical poem. I hope you enjoyed it. Say what you need to about it and I'll try to make it better.

~Jamie

You expressed this very well:) The first thing I noticed, though, is that it seemed kind of rushed. Maybe it would help if you merged the first two verses and the last two, taking out the extra "bottle, bottle", like this:

teenweirdo wrote:Bottle, bottle,
Let loose the pressure.
Free yourself,
Your soul, your mind.
Twist off your cap.
Pour out your contents,
Your thoughts, yourself.

Bottle, bottle,
Speak your words.
Allow them to flow,
Your spirit, your soul.
Burst on out.
Feel the relief.
You’re finally free.

Or, you could replace the line "bottle, bottle" at the beginning of the second and fourth verses with something else.
Unless you meant it to seem harried and rushed? There wasn't anything wrong with the speed, I just wondered if you meant it to have a more leisurely pace.

I think it would help your flow a bit if you didn't make every line capitals, but just the necessary ones. Just a thought, it's not necessarily necessary.

Hello, teenweirdo!

An interesting piece you've got here. I especially like the repetition of "bottle"-- gives it a nice flavor.

The only other thing I feel the need to point out is the first stanza. Through the rest of the poem, you've got a very subtle sort of rhyming scheme --relief/free, contents/yourself, flow/soul -- but it's not present in the beginning. I'm not sure what you could change 'yourself' too, however.

Bottle, bottle,
Let loose the pressure.
Free yourself,
Your soul, your mind.

Looking at it that way, I would phrase it "Free your song,/Your soul, your mind.", though the constant "your"s do make it seem heavy on the tongue. I can't say whether a substitution would make it stronger or weaker, however.

So it's entirely up to you! I did enjoy reading it -- send me a PM if you'd like another review.

Cheers, and keep writing!
~Sumi

Ooooh, I like it.

One thing to consider though-- because the repetition of "bottle, bottle" is so strong and rhythmic, maybe consider making the rest of each stanza just as strong. I think the rhythm for the most part is pretty consistent and easy to read to a cadence.

The only exception, in my opinion, is the line "allow them to flow"... i'm not sure, too many syllables maybe? something more rhythmically sound might be "now let them flow" or something else you might think of. Of course it's just a suggestion.

The metaphor was nice. :]
Happy writing!
s

Tis intresting. I feel no real problem with it. It's a nice metaphor and fairly original. The only nitpick is keep the rhyme or lose it. That's really all.

Overall: It's good to see that not all poetry on here is terrible. This earns a star. Remember keep the rhyme constant or lose it.

Good luck
VSN

No I don't agree with him. Ihave to say what ever flows flows and this flows.
>.<
-em

I really liked this poem, both the meaning and the flow. I have the habit of drumming my fingers against things without even knowing it, and I realized that I was drumming my fingers in rhythm with the flow of your poem! Beautiful! I especially adored the repetition of 'bottle'--it added a lot to the poem. We looked at repetition last year in English.

This was a very sweet and nice poem. Very refreshing to read. Good job and keep writing!

i like it, some people might take the poem the wrong, thinking it was sexual or something. Anyway I like it --especially because it reminds me of water , water everywhere and not a drop to drink. Can't really remeber the name--anyway your poem is cool

Thank you so much, guys! I really appreciate the critiquing and feedback. You just raised my mood one-hundred percent!



Okay, now it's time for me to be serious.

Summerless - I understand what you mean by the weak ending. I might change it later.

Sumi - Wow, I didn't ever notice the rhyme scheme. Thanks for pointing that out.

Sweetcapris - I'm glad you like it. And that line with too many syllables? I'll take rewording it into consideration.

Vernon - Thank you very much.

Zoey - My poem has a beat? Haha. Thanks.

Amber - Thanks.

Blacktiger - Thank you.

Darkdove - Er, I hope nobody thinks it's sexual. I had no intention of making the poem sound like that. It's about general freedom. Thanks!

Oooh. I read it out loud and it started to sound like some kind of spell. You know, "Bottle, bottle, speak your words..." etcetera. But that was sort of funny and gave this a mysterious vibe. As if it didn't already have that.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling again. The others have basically said it all, so I don't know what to say anymore.

Vernon, don't you even like your own poems? haha, I'm always so funny.

Okay, maybe it would be best for me to leave now. Nice job.

Demeter