{Untitled. Any suggestions?}

I don't think its all that good, but I wanted to post it.

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“Mother? May I go out?” I asked. Her reply was just a nod. I walked out of our small house, and stood on the tall rock.

Beautiful

I began to climb down from the rock, and I grabbed my stick, looking around at the beauty.

Amazing

I approached the apple tree, it was covered with flowers. I heard a low humming noise, what was it?

Careful

I looked up, bees. Lots of them. I reached up, making sure it was a branch without a bee. I used my nails to cut the small stem and take a flower. I reached up again, this time almost hitting a bee-branch with my stick, as I took a cluster of flowers.

Keen

I sat next to the rock, and put the flowers on it. I carefully removed the petals from each flower and put them in a pile, then did the same with the leaves. I stared out at my land, what was I going to name it? Lebian? Karnam? Zarun?

Young

I left my plant-piles, and walked to open land. Small yellow flowers, and poofy white-ball weeds covered the area. The warriors were there, the army was waiting. I dropped my stick and began picking the white-warriors, their small screeches carried away by the wind. I soon had a handful, and took them back to my piles. I pulled the fuzz off of each one, and put it in another pile, then made my way back, and picking up my stick along the way.

Alive

When in an area with plenty more warriors, I swung my stick, tossing the warriors away. The yellow-warriors were to short to kill, so I continued searching for the king, while killing white-warriors along the way. Near the bushes ahead, in the shade, was a tall white-warrior...but not just a warrior, the king.

Reality

Ignoring the warriors, I ran to the king, and dropped my stick when I got to him. I stopped for a moment and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of the sun. I opened them again, the warriors, where were they? In their place..were plain flowers, and weeds; and the king? He was just..a weed also. I shook my head and bent down, and used my nails again to cut his stem. I took the weed back to the piles. I removed his fuzz, and placed it in the pile. The wind picked up, and the fuzz flew around the whole land, falling to soon grow again. The petals came next, then the leaves.

Dull

I walked near the great boulder, and looked around, smiling. The smile turned into a frown when I saw the the tree branches were needing to be cut, they could fall on the dog-house. A bee landed on my arm, I panicked and shook my arm before running farther away from the hive. The hive would need to be removed, I could be allergic, then die! I also needed to remind my mother, to buy weed killer tomorrow, to get rid of the spreading flowers. My Mother called me, but before I went in, I knew what the place was called, it wasn't the Land of Lebian, it was the Backyard.

Very interesting piece of work here. I like the way it progresses at just the right pace. The innocence of a child's imagination is captured perfectly. All in all, a phenomenal piece of writing. kudos.

I think it is good. The writing is simple enough to sound as if a child did it, yet sophisticated enough that you know it was a serious piece of light fiction (if that makes sense) What I'm trying to say is, the tone and voice was just right. Another thing I liked was how you spelled BACKYARD in the section headings. I was going to suggest that, because somehow my brain was reading BECKYARD, and I was wondering what that was supposed to mean, as it didn't sound like the child's name.
The description was also good. The thought of the king of the white-warriors, the tallest of the weeds, reminded me of tall weeds you see around here that are thick and have huge puffy heads. I liked that with your words, it conjured up something in me that related to my life.

I can't find much to complain about, though I know how frustrating that is. Keep up the good work!

I really like this piece. It seemed more like a poem to me but it works alright as a piece of fiction.

The Goods:

I enjoyed how the very child like idea was made into and adult piece. The description made me think back for a bit to when I was a little younger. I liked the comparison between the flowers and soldiers and kings. I saw the king as a very regal wed XD.

The Glitches:
There wasn't much too bad about this. The only things I found were:

1) ((My Mother called me, but before I went in, I knew what the place was called, it wasn't the Land of Lebian, it was the Backyard.))

Mother shouldn't be capitalized or you take out the 'my'. If her 'name' is Mother then you should keep the capital there. If it isn't it should be lower cased.

and

2) The last letter of 'Backyard', dull. You listed other magnificent words that make the piece happy and child like but dull makes it a bit depressing at the end. Maybe change the word.

Overall:
Very good! I liked the whole piece and it made me feel like a child again. I remember all the time I spent outside, naming land and rocks and random fish that swam by in the lake; also feeling the disappointment when I had to return to reality. Very nice, keep writin'.

~Lupe

The whole spiel with the letters: Alive, Dull, and such, seemed completely irrelevant to me. If you had a deeper purpose in using them, then inform me please, because I don't wanna sound arrogant here. But honestly I thought that the piece would've been a lot better without the single words every couple of sentences.

Hello!

I walked out of our small house, [no comma] and stood on the tall rock.

There must be a subject and a verb on either side of the contraction to have a comma there.

I began to climb down from the rock, and I grabbed my stick, looking around at the beauty.

I don't think the word began belongs here. It makes the sentence's tenses clunky. I climbed down... and I grabbed my stick... Keep the verbs in the same tense.

I approached the apple tree, [semi instead] it was covered with flowers. I heard a low humming noise, [dash instead] what was it?

I looked up, [dash instead] bees.

I sat next to the rock, [no comma] and put the flowers on it

I stared out at my land, [semi instead] what was I going to name it?

I left my plant-piles, [no comma] and walked to open land. Small yellow flowers, [no comma] and poofy white-ball weeds covered the area. The warriors were there, [semi instead] the army was waiting.

I soon had a handful, [no comma] and took them back to my piles. I pulled the fuzz off of each one, [no comma] and put [s]it[/s] them in another pile, then made my way back, [s]and[/s] picking up my stick along the way.

The yellow-warriors were too short to kill, so I continued searching for the king, [no comma] while killing white-warriors along the way.

Ignoring the warriors, I ran to the king, [no comma] and dropped my stick when I got to him.

I opened them again, [semi instead] the warriors, [dash instead] where were they?

In their place...were plain flowers, [s]and[/s] weeds; [comma instead] and [ellipses if for dramatic pause] the king?

I shook my head, [s]and[/s] bent down, and used my nails again to cut his stem.

I walked near the great boulder, [no comma] and looked around, smiling.

The smile turned into a frown when I saw the the tree branches were needing to be cut, [semi or dash instead] they could fall on the [s]dog-house[/s] doghouse.

A bee landed on my arm, [semi or period instead] I panicked and shook my arm before running farther away from the hive.

The hive would need to be removed, [semi or dash] I could be allergic, [no comma] and [s]then[/s] die!

I also needed to remind my mother, [no comma] to buy weed killer tomorrow, to get rid of the spreading flowers.

My [s]Mother[/s] mother called me, but before I went in, I knew what the place was called, [period instead] it wasn't the Land of Lebian, [semi or dash] it was the Backyard.

I just caught this now, but Mother doesn't have to be capitalized if my in front of it. If she's being possessed by someone, then no capitalization; however, if it's used as her title, then it's capitalized.

Overall

Seeing this, my first impression was: Oh, how interesting it's set up! I like the set-up with the word Backyard. Very cute and attractive. ^_^

I think the ending could be drawn out more, more goose-bumpy. I'm not sure how to suggest a fix for that at the moment. I'm not good at whipping things up on the fly. I think it would be really cool to end with just the sentence: The Backyard. I don't know, though. It's up to you. It's good as it is, though. ^^

The whole piece is like a giant metaphor with warriors and armies and kings. It's really cute; I liked it. ^^ However, I think you use warrior too much. That one just stood out to me. Grab a thesaurus maybe and replace some of them with knight or soldier.

I don't understand how Dull relates to its paragraph, but that may just be me. Also Amazing and Beautiful could probably be elaborated on.

Otherwise, very cute! Nice job!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Cute! I love the serious tone this has even though it seems to be about a child's play. It's the seriousness a child brings to their imagination, very good. Your imagery is beautiful, and I love the narration of the warriors and the king. Really cute!

I didn't find anything wrong grammatically, so well done! I like the breaks inbetween with the acronym. Nice touch. Keep writing!!

~Yoyo

Thanks for all the reviews, everyone! I'll change it when I can, and maybe repost it later!

Thanks again,

~Arris

Brilliant stuff here! You worked yourself into the mind of a child and let that child's imagination run. (occasionally bumping into reality's roadblocks) It seemed as if it was a memory from you when you were younger.

I liked the words, because it was different and each one was specific to what was going on. I think it's also a wide range of words, so they don't become cheesy.

I'm not going to go through and quote things, because I think it would end up being mostly lines I enjoyed. Anyway...good job!