Young Writers Society

Sittin here writing to the girl of my future, whom my heart belongs to in the present/
I save myself for your presence, Assuredly expecting God to move you in my direction/
I've yet to see your dimensions,but still you have my attention, I look no way but yours/
I make decisons for you because I'm living for you, before you ever lay rest in my arms/

Love I long for but I refuse to take a premature leap/
The odds are to high for me to jump, the water too deep/
So I wait on you trusting that God will never fail/
My faithfullness is yours to keep, Goodbye Until....

Hi there,

I just wanted to inform you of the rules here on YWS. We ask that you review 2 works before posting one of your own. Keeping a 2:1 ration of reviews to posts.

Good Luck!

OverEasy

June wrote:Sittin here writing to the girl of my future,
whom my heart belongs to in the present/
I save myself for your presence,
Assuredly expecting God to move you in my direction/
I've yet to see your dimensions,
but still you have my attention, I look no way but yours/
I make decisons for you,
because I'm living for before you ever lay rest in my arms/

Love I long for,
but I refuse to take a pemature leap/
The odds are to high for me to jump,
the water too deep/
So I wait on you trusting that God will never fail.
My faithfullness is yours to keep, Goodbye Until....

Let me split this up. Then we'll go through errors. This tells too much, you've got to also look over this grammatically. A slash isn't puntuaction. So look over this again. You really do tell this all. Instead think, you're approaching a pratically worn out topic so how to approach it newly? That you need to think about. It does have some merit on the wording the main problem you just don't give us images with langauge techniques you instead tell us all. So the emotion doesn't appear.

Overall: Read some other poetry on here and look how they do it. Poetry in no easy task. Like most things it's hard unless you practice. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

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Listening to: Thought Riot - Ink Soaked Pages
via FoxyTunes

Well I'll have to disagree with the previous critique. I think you successfully shed new light on a maybe-fairly-worn-down topic. Your sincerity and complete trust in future love had me intrigued right from the beginning. I thought the "premature leap" and hesitation were both great images in use.

(maybe I am biased, because I feel the same way about these things... but who cares, we're asking opinions here, right?)

The message was honest and heartfelt, and that is something that not every body can express. I liked the piece a lot. :]

Happy writing,
s

Ummm...first of all, welcome to young writers society!!!! Now, the poem, I really didn't like it. There were a lot of errors in the poem which made the poem uncomfortable to read. I think you should look over it and correct them so the poem will be more enjoyable to read. Best wishes and good luck!