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I like how rawly written this is. It's pretty honest and to the point. I didn't see much wrong with it. Just one part you forgot to capitalize Rook and then there was an unnecessary comma...nothing big though. I assume there's more to this story since the length is subject to change and in that case good luck writing the rest

Hello There!
Is this an excerpt of some sort? Well I rather enjoyed it as the emotions were well brought out and the bits of imagery were refreshing.

The font made it rather hard too read. So change the font.

I can't say much about this piece as it was quite short.
Few things though:

Instead I hid at Lone’s, smelling her clothes and lying with rook in her bed.

-you should capitalize the 'R' in Rook.

Secondly, I as a reader have no idea who Eric is or who Lone is and what's the protagonist's relationship with Lone.

It was all too fast and hurried. There was no in depth characterization whatsoever.

So you might want to work that out, and maybe make this piece a bit longer and give more details.

The sentences flowed very well, so Kudos for that!

Well if you would have read the first part of the story then it would have made more sense but thanks for your comments and read the begining.

Robin wrote:I like how rawly written this is. It's pretty honest and to the point. I didn't see much wrong with it. Just one part you forgot to capitalize Rook and then there was an unnecessary comma...nothing big though. I assume there's more to this story since the length is subject to change and in that case good luck writing the rest

Ditto. Keep writing Darkdove! Your stories and poems have been a plesure to read. See you at lunch and bravo on the good work!

but in two-and-a-half weeks she was in the back of a red pickup kissing some guy on the neck.

But then, that is a little odd. Perhaps just round it out to either two or three weeks, so all the hyphens aren't necessary.

I wanted to be furious with, leaving the way she did.

Furious with who? Lone? And did Lone leave? If so, make that a little more clear. When you say that she was in the back of a pickup, was she driving away with the guy? *is confused*

Now that I look back I couldn't remember his face or smell, just the trail of hickeys and passion marks on my thighs and ankles.

smelling her clothes and lying with Rook in her bed. I'd put on her clothes and became her clone and Rook touched me more. I brushed my hair with her brush and washed with her soap. I was like some morph thing.

So what about Lone's parents? I know her mom's out of it, but wouldn't she notice? Maybe not.

This was really short and went by much quicker than the last bit. More please?

And on that note, I found this part before the beginning and I was confused as to why it sounded like a continuation. My advice to your would be to add a number 2 in your title, or write "Cult Classic, Chapter 2" or Part II or whatever you want. Just make it clear that the other "Cult Classic" is the first part and this is a continuation.

Anyway, very nice stuff once more. I really liked the emotion in this bit that was conjured up without really saying anything about it. Very, very nice.

~GryphonFledgling

The chapter is longer and another part cometh!!!!

I can't wait to read it!!!!!!! Hey.....you sit across from me in class 4th period don't you?

Lone’s house was now off-limits since her parents got busted for candy grass parties.

What caused this sudden banning? What happened between the living of Lone's life and the sudden protectiveness of the parents? There is a time gap here that makes little to no sense.

"Not gonna lose another," she’d tell herself and I was reduced to glove wearing and cordial invitations.

We almost got caught once but managed to get away using the same roof tactic Eric did.

What exactly is that tactic? How did it make her feel when she realized that she was on the same roof her brother died off of?

Just when I thought the recession of my individuality was at it worst, rescue came in the form of a 5”6 brunette.

her deserted one- story house, next to the red pickup she escaped in. She sat on the hood, bathing in the sun in ripped jean shorts and a koala tank.

“Oh I’ve missed you.” She slid off the car and grabbed my arm. Her lips were glossy and dark and her huge brown sunglasses glared from the sun. “Babe, come and meet my friends.” [s]She added[/s] She was bare foot standing on semi dead grass.

A 5”12 Boy Scout-looking cowboy exited the car, his boots clanking on the concrete.

5'12" is 6 feet. On concrete? I thought that Lone was on dead grass. Are they next to each other?

and the same clueless expression was permanent.

The clueless expression is the same as what? I was confused by that.

Lone[s]’s[/s] looked around with her hands on her hips;

I thought she had her hands in Big Dope's back pockets.

she put her sunglasses on her head and squirted twisting her body around the land.

What do you mean by "squirted"? "Squatted, perhaps? But then, how is she twisting her body around the land? What exactly is she doing?

It had only been three months

I accepted her ability to move on, just not her choice of moving from a potential Rock God to a down- home boy dumber than a bale of hay.

Lots of little nitpicks, but I did like this story.

Like I mentioned earlier, there is a time lapse in between the old and the new parts of the story and I am left hanging in the gulch, wondering what happened. Also, if you are ever to do something quite that dramatic (please don't leave this one how it is, since there is no explaination whatsoever beyond Lone's parents getting busted), try putting a kind of divider to make it clear to the reader that there is going to be a time lapse. Three ellipses (***) usually make it clear.

Anyway, overall, I enjoyed the crisp images you conjure up. You don't spend a lot of time on imagery, but when you do, it rocks some major socks. The whole dark lips and "honeysuckle and bubble gum" just hit me like a ton of bricks. Some excellent characterization through description there.

Very, very nice.

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling