The reality check

In my dreams, you know who i am
Although when i open my eyes, we see her sitting in the corner
In my dreams, it's never the wind
It is always your breath that blows in my hair
But when i open my eyes, mornings don't exist
In my dreams, i got no time to worry if there's enough
But when i open my eyes, all is growing out of limits
much more than the earth can hold
much less than you can take.
In my dreams, trembling is a pleasant phase
But when i open my eyes, life is frozen under smoked glass
In my dreams, hungry soul is what i choose to feed
But when i open my eyes, there’s only silence and sharks waiting for a meal
In my dreams, he's smiling to the stars
But when i open my eyes, he only waits for them to smile back
In my dreams, he's a quiet young man under that moon
But when i open my eyes, time has a head too

In my dreams, you never talk
But when i open my eyes, i don't even exist.

Nirguna wrote:In my dreams, you know who i am Capitalize your "I's" It looks better.
Although when i open my eyes, we see her sitting in the corner we? Who are you with, where did they come from?
In my dreams, it's never the wind
It is always your breath that blows in my hair
But when i open my eyes, mornings don't exist
In my dreams, i got no time to worry if there's enough
But when i open my eyes, all is growing out of limits
much more than the earth can hold
much less than you can take.
In my dreams, trembling is a pleasant phase
But when i open my eyes, life is frozen under smoked glass
In my dreams, hungry soul is what i choose to feed
But when i open my eyes, there’s only silence and sharks waiting for a meal
In my dreams, he's smiling to the stars
But when i open my eyes, he only waits for them to smile back
In my dreams, he's a quiet young man under that moon
But when i open my eyes, time has a head too

In my dreams, you never talk
But when i open my eyes, i don't even exist.

The repetition is very daunting. Repetition can work, but here I think it is more distracting than anything. A lot of the lines are very cliche, try coming up with a new approach to an old subject. Really think about what you are truing to say, because right now it's very much tell and very little show. And when you are showing, it's not working out very well.

Try using more descriptive words, it's good to have emotion in your poetry, but good descrition, proper spelling, and proper grammar are a must. Unless somehow it's working for the poem. Here the incorrect grammar is not helping anything, and it makes it hard to read.

Good Luck

OverEasy

Welcome to YWS!

I think this poem is pretty good.

Although you have to cut up everything into stanzas so it won't look like a big chunk of boring words.

My favorite part of the poem is the ending. It's bittersweet. And that's AWESOME, man.

There are very few errors, like capitalization as what Tiff said and some words that should be changed. I don't really care about those things. I care about the content of the poem.

Good job, good poem.

Peace man,
Casey the AWESOME

P.S.
Since you're a newbie, you may have a lot of questions/concerns about the site so feel free to PM(private message) me about it. Hoping to see ya around!

Thank you guys for the comments SO much!

Ahh i admit i'm kind of having a harder time writing poetry on english, since i'm from Macedonia, but then again, i'll try harder and correct the 'cute' mistakes:).
Usually i don't try to change my stuff too much after i write them, because the true emotions are the thing that matters to me. But if i ever want to publish something, i agree that it's a must.