Blood Brother

Blood Brother

I knew you once, I knew you twice.
All my life I thought you were nice.
I didn’t ever try to pretend,
You were more or less then my greatest friend.

I tried to smile around you often,
It wasn’t hard, as your eyes would soften.
You’d put your arm around me, slacked.
You’d laugh when I squirmed, and rub my back.

I know that people paired us up.
Said we’d marry and love when we grew up.
They didn’t understand our love,
We’re as brothers or friends, not betrothed from above.

I knew you once, when we were young,
I was the music, you were the song,
But now those carefree days are gone.
How did you let me die for so long?

The friend I had since I was born,
My brother, tried and true, in blood
You left my heart broken, and torn,
My life’s water turned to mud.

It's actually very good. Some lines really stood out for me but I won't get into that.

The ryhming didn't seem forced, which is great.

The only problem I have is with understand the hook. It's a great hook don't get me wrong, "I knew you once, I knew you twice," It really attracts attention but how can you know a person twice? Maybe you explained it in the piece and I missed it?

Other than that, great job.

8/10

It's actually very good. Some lines really stood out for me but I won't get into that.

The ryhming didn't seem forced, which is great.

The only problem I have is with understand the hook. It's a great hook don't get me wrong, "I knew you once, I knew you twice," It really attracts attention but how can you know a person twice? Maybe you explained it in the piece and I missed it?

Other than that, great job.

8/10

I knew you once, I knew you twice.
All my life I thought you were nice.

Good starting lines although you lost me at "I knew you twice" when you've pointed out right below it that you knew him for being nice.

I know that people paired us up.
Said we’d marry and love when we grew up.
They didn’t understand our love,
We’re as brothers or friends, not betrothed from above.

I like this stanza because the truth is being sopped up to be recognized and be accepted.

I knew you once, when we were young,
I was the music, you were the song,
But now those carefree days are gone.
How did you let me die for so long?

Now I'm totally lost. The conflict before was about the marriage interjection and how wrong it is since youre relationship defies its concept, now it seems like you've got yourself torn because of something he did? Care to expound on why? 0.o

The friend I had since I was born,
My brother, tried and true, in blood
You left my heart broken, and torn,
My life’s water turned to mud.

First 2 lines still confused me while the final ones just threw me off. -_- The awkward rhyming should work on some poems but pitifully, it didn't here. Scratch off that last line and make it something more dramatic and worthy of the initial anticipation we had.

Overall though, I liked your idea for this. It tugs my dear ol heartstrings...-_- Just a few minor changes and you've got it going.

Kudos! Godbless!

<3 JACE

[need me to critique more of yours, im just a PM away. ]

Hey ya'll! Thanks for the crits. This poem is actually very difficult to explain. The "I knew you twice" line is not explained in the poem, but its true in the way that I had a friend who was my BFF since I was 1, and our families had a falling out. Then we started hanging out together again, (that was the twice) but we dropped out of communication once more. So I had written this, expressing how desolate I felt without him around. Recently we've gotten back in touch, though, so it's all good, right? I'll look at the poem again, see about editing some stuff.