Painting

Texting you is so tedious sometimes, why do you have to point out that it seems like I don’t want to listen? So you can’t handle this then, can you? Poor you, I’m so sorry! (Not).

I really do feel bad for you if you list all the bad things that happen to you. I really do care if you say you’re depressed. When you claim you’re “fragile” and “can’t handle this”, that’s when it ticks me off. Really, when you use it as an excuse for your behavior and assumptions of me, that’s when it gets annoying.

I can figure out that your depression affects you. I really can. I honestly don’t care that you’ve studied psychology. Really. I don’t.

Let’s paint that fucking picture.

I rip out the canvas from the back of my closet and put it on my desk. It’s got a scratch in it, just like your truth. I begin to paint and I get lost in my work and emotions.

All of a sudden there is pastel yellow smeared across the surface, a makeshift background of innocence in your statements. Then there is my sudden, garnet anger etched and smeared all over the yellow, and it takes over the picture. Your more ginger colored anger joins in and wrestles with my red over your dormant yellow background. Then, it rains a deep blue, almost navy.

Oh God.

Don’t cry.

Please don’t cry.

I didn’t mean it really.

I sigh and try to explain with a mixture of greens and grays. I have an easy life, so sometimes I argue with friends and family to get stress. If that’s not weird, I don’t know what is. Some days I believe I need a time to screw up. Do something and get it so wrong that there is no way out. It’d have a sense of fulfillment, you know?

So you need proof that our relationship is healthy? It’s not. Honestly, truly it’s not. You’re not my scapegoat. I’m such a bitch to you; you have absolutely no reason to forgive me! You do, now my tears rain down light blue over yours, pooling over the anger and innocence. Why do you? You really shouldn’t. I should leave you and never come back, it’d be better for you. You forgave me, and now my anger and stress will lay dormant, boiling, bubbling again, until I explode. Good luck to you; I promise this’ll happen again.

I stand back to observe my masterpiece. The light from the window throws shadows of my dark looming figure over the mess.

Damn. I forgot to let the paint dry in-between colors. I forgot to give my insanity a rest and let you recover. Now it’s a puddle of brown, why didn’t I see it before? I messed it up. I messed everything up. Monstrous painting. Your parents need proof our friendship is real? I hand you the painting, you show it to them and they shake their head. I can’t talk to you anymore. I smile sadly at your fading face.

I promise you, it’s for the best.

Sorry for the bump

This was actually very interesting. The idea was slightly original and the way it was carried out was also above certain expectations.

While I liked it, there was also a great amount of evidence that it could be better. Add more description...not just colors like blue, red, purple - more like turquoise, scarlet, magenta. But also describe more of everything else...what does the room look like? the closet? how does the light from the window hit the painting?

Try not to swear, even in first person, it just looks coarse and sloppy.

Also, avoid fragments. Use semi-colins if you want to incorporate two short sentences together.

Work on this and it could be really good.

I really liked this. I liked the way that you used the painting as a metaphor for the relationship and use of second person made the piece a lot more dramatic. Made me think of a goodbye letter.

Poor you, I’m so sorry! (Not).

Not shouldn't be in brackets. It works just as fine as a sentence of its own.

I really do feel bad for you if you list all the bad things that happen to you.

Repetition of the word 'bad' to no real affect. Try using something else for the second part?

I’m such a bitch to you; you have absolutely no reason to forgive me!

I'm not too sure about the exclamation mark. I think it's down to opinion, but if I were you I would remove it.

I promise you, it’s for the best.

Lovely.

I think that your weakest part is actually your first short paragraph. It just is a bit irrelevent and I think you can improve on it. The transition between the direct speaking to going off to paint is also a bit shaky and very noticeable. You need to work on the flow there.

Otherwise, a very nice, original and sad piece. I enjoyed it.

All the best and keep writing,

Alainna
xxx

I really like how you draw the comparisons between dealing with a relationship and painting a picture. You do it with such fantastic realism and imagery, and I absolutely adore it. Keep up the good work:)

Wow, thankyou everyone! I guess I'll be working to improve this one despite the fact that it was spontaneous when I wrote it...!

UH-MAZE-ING!
Wow. This was beautiful. The metaphors, the imagery, the stucture, the word choice. Flawless.
I do agree though, that first paragraph was unnecessary.

Damn. I forgot to let the paint dry in-between colors. I forgot to give my insanity a rest and let you recover. Now it’s a puddle of brown, why didn’t I see it before? I messed it up. I messed everything up. Monstrous painting. Your parents need proof our friendship is real? I hand you the painting, you show it to them and they shake their head. I can’t talk to you anymore. I smile sadly at your fading face.

I promise you, it’s for the best.

My favorite part. I love how you said you forgot to let the paint dry. Just an example of that incredible metaphor. Also, the stucture is very nice, too. I like the flow.

Bravo! A Gold Star shall be presented to you!

Wow, thankyou everyone! This means more than you can imagine to me!

Damn, thats good, i know im echoing everyone else, but it needs to be said... again. the perspective was interestin, the idea original, the storytelling superb. excellant job.

I found this interesting. What I liked most was the emotion emanating from it. I give you points for originality.

However - and this can be both a good and a bad thing - it was very rough. You flow is halting and jerky, and while this adds to it at times, it also makes me feel as if I'm drowning when I'm reading. Does that make sense? I mean, I can't really explain which parts I found that I felt didn't fit in. You'll just have to reread it, and decide for yourself. It's all about the *flow*.

I didn't like your beginning. I don't think it was right for this piece. Perhaps a different hook?

Other than that, I quite enjoyed this. Keep writing, and good luck with your editing. Sorry I was so vague.

Thankyou for the suggestions and compliments, I changed the beginning...I don't know if it works, but it does for me. ^^ I also want to say just how much I want people to feel like they're drowning the choppiness, that was kind of what I wanted. I understand its a bit much, but I like it this way.

THANKYOU FOR ALL THE REVIEWS~!

haha so um,
guess who hit the reply button this time?
=D

This was absolutely amazing.
I thought the not leaving the paint to dry thing was awesome.

You are wonderful at making pieces that people can relate to...

I just write pieces where people call me unstable, haha.

Thankyou! All the compliments are so great!