Eleven Days In Hell #2

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The splattered blood on the wall slowly dripped downward, and the corpse of the fallen officer continued to spill blood on the ground. Officers and civilians ran for cover, but Arnold continued to stand dumbstruck in the middle of the parking lot. Normally, he didn‘t read text messages, and if he received one with a threat, there was protocol that he followed. Never before had he gotten a message with immediate repercussions. The situation turned eerie fast, and he barely noticed when Kevin grabbed his arm and dragged him behind a squad car.
“What the hell are you doing?” screamed Kevin. “You could have gotten yourself killed!”
Arnold was too petrified to talk; all he could do was stare at the message on his cell phone and think of the consequences. He was not going to die—not for eleven days—but he knew that these eleven days were going to be the worst eleven days of his life. He thought back to when he was thirteen, getting the news that his father was killed in a car accident. The nights he spent crying himself to sleep had done nothing to prepare him for this: being told exactly when his time was up. There were so many things he wanted to do, so many places he wanted to go, so many things he wanted to see—and now, he would never see them.
Arnold was receiving a lecture from Kevin similar to a lecture his mother would give to him, something about being aware of his surroundings and how he could have gotten himself killed. For a moment, he regressed back to his childhood, agreeing with everything he said without really listening to what it was he was saying. Suddenly, the sharp sting of flesh smacking flesh snapped him back to reality, and Kevin’s glowering face was tight on his.
“Are you even listening to what I’m saying?” he yelled.
“Kevin,” said Arnold as somberly as he could, “I’m going to die in eleven days.”
Kevin wasn’t sure if he should be angry or worried. “What the hell are you talking about?” he asked.
Arnold held up his cell phone so Kevin could read the message. Kevin’s expression went from anger to confusion, and eventually to bewilderment. “When did you get this?” he asked.
“Just before the shot,” said Arnold.
Tension hung thick in the air; neither of the two wanted to talk, for fear of what would happen. Finally, Kevin tossed the phone back to Arnold. “You don’t actually believe this shit, do you?”
Arnold looked at his phone. “I guess not. I mean, I’ve had much more creative threats than this. I mean, eleven days? If this person isn’t going to be creative in their threats, who’s to say they won’t be creative in their attack?”
“Exactly. Now, since we have another body to process, we better get started.”

At 9:16 PM, Arnold climbed into his vehicle, and turned the ignition. The public radio channel had just gotten the news about the sniper attack where he was now idling. He always found it amazing how quickly news travels about occurrences like this, and how quickly people forget about it. He smiled at his sudden burst of philosophy, and stuck his cell phone in his cup holder. Before he put the car in gear, he did a double take—something wasn’t right about his phone. He picked it up, and examined the screen. A dingy green slime had replaced the wallpaper he set up, and a counter was proudly displayed on top of it.
Time left in Arnold’s life: 10 days, 21 hours, and roughly 44 minutes.
I have to be dreaming, he thought to himself. There is no way this is happening.
He turned up the radio and drove as fast as he could to his home just outside of Lorendo. He was going to need a lot of brandy to clear his mind.

Just ten miles away, on a grassy hill next to a quarry, a lone figure dressed in black was watching Detective Arnold Baxter as he drove away. The headset he was wearing was broadcasting faint snippets of conversation from the radio, as well as the occasional muttering and groaning from Arnold himself. The figure was pleased; his plan thus far was going well. It would be eleven days of torture before he could finally be killed. It worked so well for the last girl—how hard could it be to chalk up another victim?
The figure packed up his rifle and scope, and ran off toward his rusty Chevrolet truck. My programmer did such a good job coding this virus, he thought to himself. I should remember to buy flowers for his funeral.
The Chevrolet’s engine strained and whined, before finally turning over. He switched the viewer to the GPS option, and was able to follow the detective home without having to worry about losing him in traffic. The virus was perfect; it’s only commands were to start a countdown timer, implant a homing bug, and provide one-way communication. If he had tried this even two years ago, it would have been impossible. But luckily, technology today rendered the term “impossible” obsolete.

Arnold pulled into the long driveway of the acreage he lived on. He liked it out in the country; it was quiet, peaceful, and no one could bother him about his job. He pulled into the garage, closed the door, and walked into his house.
The house was a mess. Arnold had no family and very few friends. On the rare occasions that he did leave the house, he usually left the door unlocked, as there was nothing of value in the house. Books on the bookshelf were arranged in a sloppy alphabetical order, and various papers and notebooks were strewn all over the tables and floor. It was a typical set-up of a life-long bachelor, a set-up that Arnold was damn proud of. He knew where everything he needed was, and right now, he needed a drink.
Arnold perused through the cupboard, looking for a tall glass and his bottle of Cognac. After finding both, he carried them to the couch, and turned on the television. The CNN report talked about the discovery of Kristen Marquez, as well as the sudden shooting of a police officer yet to be identified. He tossed back a glass of Cognac, and flipped through the channels trying to find something interesting to watch. As he tossed back more and more Cognac, the television became less and less interesting, until finally, he passed out on the couch, the glass slowly slipping from his fingers, his cell phone—still sitting on the counter where he left it—counting down his time left on this Earth.
Outside his window, a lone, dark figure spied on him. But no one would ever know.
Last edited by Flemzo on Thu Aug 27, 2009 1:49 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey you're back with the second one.

Quite disappointing that you hung it for a drag read and nothing much in it. I know it would be torture that Arnold has to think about it every second but in a chapter so short like this, maybe you could've put something better than the lonesome stalking and the drinking and all those shiz. Maybe the ending line in this chapter could've been more dramatic and such a cliffy for us to have the same anticipation for reading what's next.

Other than that, it's still written perfectly and you still got me hooked enough to read more.

Thanks for PMing me for this. I'm glad I read it. :)

Kudos!

<3 JACE
In heaven there is only you, on earth you are all i want. -Psalms 73:25




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This one had me stumped for a while :?

It is good. But parts of it didn't keep the tone that the last part had. I know the piece needs description, but at points it felt like a bit simple. The first few paragraphs felt like they were just describing what was going on and not much more.
You proved later on in the piece that you can manage the actions and the descriptions while still keeping the dry, subtle humour of the tone.

flemzo wrote:He smiled at his sudden burst of philosophy, and stuck his cell phone in his cup holder.


flemzo wrote:The house was well-organized, despite Arnold being a perpetual bachelor


flemzo wrote:A smattering of pictures were placed haphazardly around the room—not completely hidden, but if one wasn’t looking for them, one wouldn’t find them.


There's three examples of some really good sentences. They're witty, dry and intelligently funny in a subtle way. It gives the piece such a good tone towards the end of this chapter that just isn't there at the beginning. The first few paragraphs just seemed too simple compared with the rest of it. I'm not suggesting every sentence has to be witty, because it's not a comedy piece. But spreading them out every now and then throughout the beginning would improve this chapter greatly in my eyes.

All in all, it was a good way to carry on. There's nothing particularly wrong with it; I just think there could be some more right with it :D

Josh




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I'm sorry this took me so long!


Ok now onto the story. It was rather good!

Time left in Arnold’s life: 10 days, 23 hours, and roughly 44 minutes.


I liked this bit a lot, simply because giving it a time frame like that really showed the readers how terrified the character is. To be thinking about something so in depth to have a specific time you have to really be worried.

It’s a shame I killed him—now who will I call for tech support?


I love this part! So sadistic! As every good antagonist should be! (in my view) I love how this sounds like he has not a care in the world about murder. I find it interesting.


Outside his window, a lone, dark figure spied on him. But no one would ever know


This threw me off a little, things had been quite origional until this point. Then all of the sudden there is a line heard quite often. I mean "lone dark figure"? I know you can do better than that!
Life is for living.




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Once again, the guys above me have already said what I planned to. I really need to hurry up and critique more stuff before that happens. Anyway, this was slightly disappointing compared to the first, more action packed extract. You've just put it up as a wall hanging. Seeing as the others have said most of everything, I've only got one question; Didn't the killer murder two people in the first extract?
The corpses are piled high around. Blood carpets the floor and flames scorch away the last remnants of humanity. The screams of the damned echo in my head. I smile. I am home.




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well I'm glad that you continued it

but this one was a bit boring
not much really happened apart from that fatc that someone else might die in 11 days
maybe you could include something a bit more exciting/tense?
The pupil who is never required to do what he cannot do never does what he can do.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them as much.




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I decided I'd edit it again.. for some reason i did not realise i've already done it. So here's a better crit.

It is a bit slow. Nothing MAJOR happens and that is perfectly fine, really.

Oh, and one thing.

He's going to die in 11 days. HE IS GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEATH IS NOT HANDLED LIGHTLY! Imagine if you were going to die in 11 days? You would not stand around and be normal? NOOO! This annoys me about your story. You'd most likely want to go do the things you've never done before.
No person, police officer or not, will do what this character has done.
He'd probably cry or sweat or freak out or go unusally quiet. Here, the character does not seem overly frightened. Normal people/police would be scared. Sure, he drinks a bit more but ... you gave yourself so much potential to do so much more and you did not!

Great work ... still!
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Roon again! I hope the last review was helpful. I’ll start with nitpicks.

The splattered blood on the wall slowly dripped downward, and the corpse of the fallen officer continued to spill blood on the ground.

You say blood twice here. Also, I would say body rather than corpse, it feels a little too early to be calling it a corpse, I don’t know why…

Officers and civilians ran for cover, but Arnold continued to stand dumbstruck in the middle of the parking lot, eyes flitting from his cell phone to the body lying in front of him.

I would make a new sentence after lot, and then start the next sentence with His eyes were flitting… it seems as though it would eradicate the punctuation issues with the sentence.

He barely noticed when Kevin grabbed his arm and dragged him behind a squad car.

You may want a comma after arm.

Arnold was too petrified to talk; all he could do was stare at the message on his cell phone and think of the consequences.

Arnold was too petrified to talk, all he could do was stare at the message on his cell phone, and think of the consequences.
I think this would work better, as the punctuation is odd otherwise.

Also, policemen are cynical people, my father is one. They don’t believe in stuff like that, I think he would dismiss this as coincidence, if I’m honest. Also, the force is very strict on taking days off work. They wouldn’t let him stay off unless he was really ill.

The nights he spent crying himself to sleep had done nothing to prepare him for knowing the exact date of his death.

This just feels… weird, I think it could be cut out and it wouldn’t really affect the story.

Arnold was receiving a lecture from Kevin similar to a lecture his mother would give to him about being aware of his surroundings and how he could have gotten himself killed, and for a moment, he regressed back to his childhood, agreeing with everything he said without really listening to what it was he was saying.

Loooong sentence. I’d break it up as so:
Arnold was receiving a lecture from Kevin, similar to a lecture his mother would give to him, about being aware of his surroundings and how he could have gotten himself killed. For a moment, he regressed back to his childhood, agreeing with everything he said, without really listening to what it was he was saying.
With the punctuation like that it would be a lot clearer.

I think they would also have him transferred to a safe location if they truly believed him to be in danger.

Arnold climbed into his vehicle, and turned the ignition.

I think it’s turned the key in the ignition.

Time left in Arnold’s life: 10 days, 23 hours, and roughly 44 minutes.

When everything else is so precise, I think you should have exact minutes and seconds. It makes it feel closer, more real.

My programmer did such a good job coding this virus, he thought to himself. It’s a shame I killed him—now who will I call for tech support?

This feels like the only point of its being there is to show that he’s merciless, but he has already killed two people, and is going to kill another. Personally, I feel it’s ever so slightly redundant.

The Chevrolet’s engine strained and whined before finally turning over.

Comma after whined.

Yes, the programmer had thought of everything—GPS to see where the victim was at any moment, one-way radio to listen in on conversations, a host server to view what they were doing with their phone—and he had coded it so well that there was virtually no way they could trace it back to a single number.

Put in as many hyphens as you want, this is still a huge sentence.

He would be the first to commit the perfect crime, and if they ever got on his trail, he would simply move and wreak havoc somewhere else.

Does he not think they would follow him?

but if one wasn’t looking for them, one wouldn’t find them.

Saying one twice doesn’t sound right. Try 'if one wasn’t looking for them, they would not be found'?

The house was well-organized,
...
The room seemed to imply organized chaos,

The two don’t really fit together very well…

The room seemed to imply organized chaos, which reflected on the lifestyle he led.

Imply organised chaos? The room was the definition of organised chaos. The latter part of the sentence is you telling, rather than showing, the reader. Why does it reflect his lifestyle? Show us.

The CNN report talked about the discovery of Kristen Marquez, as well as the sudden shooting of a police officer yet to be disclosed.

I think you should have a comma after officer.

Arnold tossed back a glass of Cognac, and flipped through the channels trying to find something interesting to watch.

Comma after channels. Also, he's drinking himself into a stupor when he just found out he's going to die? Has he no family or friends?

As he tossed back more and more Cognac, the television became less and less interesting, until finally, Arnold fell asleep on the couch, the glass slowly slipping from his fingers; his cell phone, still sitting on the counter where he left it, counting down his time left on this Earth.

Another long sentence in need of breaking down.

Okay, so this was a wonderful read, again. However I still feel I know nothing about your officer apart from the fact he’s a bit of a slob. I don’t think that he would believe this text straight away, or that if other officers did, that they would send him to his home unprotected.

The tone in this piece is, for the most part, incredible, as it was in the previous chapter. However, I feel that when he first believes the text, it is a little overdramatic.

Your writing style is, as I said before, very factual. This is good, in some respects, but I think you need to add emotion. Also, your attention to detail could be improved. Your descriptions aren’t overly vivid when it comes to settings, and we don’t know what your character even looks like yet.

I think you should try to make your character, Arnold, more accessible to the reader. At the moment he seems quite cold, and flat. we don’t really care much for him. How old is he? Was there ever a woman in his life? Delve more into his issues with his fathers death. You don’t mention his mother, except when talking about a lecture from a police officer, is this significant?

The story you have created is a very interesting one. But we don’t know any of your characters history, motives, etc. why is the villain a villain? What is he like? What is his history? Or is he just another flat, evil guy, who’s motives are never to be known? So many questions play on our minds at this point, you should endeavour to answer some of them. You need your characters to be believable.

You use no imagery whatsoever, I feel that it would be a good thing to add, as it creates… well an image for the reader to build the story around.

This really is a wonderful piece, your imagination and writing prowess do you credit! Thank you, once again, for the opportunity of sharing your work.

~ Roon
The worst tragedy for a poet is to be admired through being misunderstood.

~ Jean Cocteau




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Thanks for the crits! Bumping because 1.) more chapters coming soon, and 2.) I edited this chapter. Enjoy.



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