They told me to

This story has been taken off YWS by author.

Hm...I think I would have enjoyed the piece more if I knew the context. Is it a prologue? A chapter of a longer work?

around me until it nearly sophocated me

Spelling: suffocated, not sophocated.

"I don't need an answer." I whispered terrified.

I'm really picky about commas; you need one after the "answer" (instead of a period) and one after "whispered."

I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, and clenched my fists till my knuckles were white.

Instead of "till," use "until." It makes your voice sound more sophisticated.

Other than those two nitpicky things, I would suggest working on starving your adjectives and feeding your verbs. This is something I struggle with often, but the truth is, adjectives can make a good piece of writing cliche.

Another suggestion is to make the German accents apparent in the dialog. For example, instead of "We'll do bad things" use "Ve'll do bad things." I'd suggest learning how a German accent sounds, then mirroring that in your writing. It's hard to do, but it pays off.

Last but not least, make it longer. You have a lot of potential in this idea, so I'd suggest expanding this piece.

All in all, good work. You describe the scene pretty well. If you have any questions or expand the piece, PM me. I'd love to know the context of this conflict!

I have to agree with the person above me. Just what is going on here? Give us some context so that we can understand things. It is well written, I'll give you that, but not knowing why it is happening is a real downer. If you could elaborate on that it would make the story so much better.

i think it was clear what went on, she was being sent to hell. other than that, it was a bit vague.

Really nice, love the imagery. You mispelled invisible up there... says "invisable". 'Sides that, I love it... freaky!

This piece threw me off a bit,
I was imagining that the invisible force was something a little more internal.
Maybe it is? I don't know.

I definitely agree with the people above me, whats the context of this?

I enjoyed this a lot though.

I have to say I agree with the people above, it is rather confusing as to what is going on...maybe write more and it helps to explain?

Sorry for being clueless, the overall piece was written very well.

Ailam Remard wrote:"I don't need an answer," I whispered terrified.

I think a comma goes after whispered.

I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, and clenched my fists until my knuckles were white.

Okay, you already said "squeezed my eyes shut" you just added tighter. It might be best to re-word this.

Unimaginable pain flooded my body, making me double over in horrific agony. "Ok! Ok!" I screamed through clenched teeth.

Where is the pain coming from? Describe what it feels like.

The pain that had ascended on me subsided a bit. "Whatever you want, just let me live!" This was not just my imagination anymore.

You also never told us she thought she was "imagining" this. You should either tell us beforehand or nix it.

An invisible force yanked me to my feet and held my hands behind my back. It was just one voice now, the one I was sure was the leader. His warm breath hissed in my ear.

"You are my servant. You will serve me, and in turn, you will live."

The invisible force kicked me to my knees, leaving me gasping and breathless.

You already said "invisible force" change the wording.

II. OVERALL IMPRESSION

The only main problems you have here is repeating descriptions and lack of description. You thrust the reader into a setting they know nothing about. Describe it with sensory appeal. What does it smell like? Sound like? How does the heroine feel and why is the heroine there? Otherwise, I thought it was good and pretty interesting. I think you should expand and describe more.

I second Peri.

The dialogue was rather good, but I'm confused. If you gave her a setting, and everyone faces, I think this could be a lot better. Also, is this a prologue? Short story? Right now, I think it only works as a prologue, so if it's not one, maybe give it more of an ending?

A short crit for a short piece!

~JFW1415

Whoa. i liked it. The ending was really suprising. Actually, I think the ending was the best part of the whole piece.

Hi!

This is a very short piece, and I see it has already been reviewed to death with grammar, but I will just add my thoughts if you don't mind:

Slowly, the darkness crept around me until it nearly suffocated me.

Comma here. Also, I don't like the sentence repetition you have going on here, it drags on and is dreary to read. Try rearranging, i.e. 'Slowly, the darkness crept around me, until I felt suffocated.' Not the best example, but you get the idea?

Voices hissed "Do it, it's right there, the answer is right there." Heavy German accents coated their deep voices.

I dislike the repetition of 'voices'.

"I don't need an answer," I whispered, terrified.

Comma here.

"We'll do [s]bad[/s] things[s]. You[/s] you can't even imagine!"

Combine these sentence, also I doubt the bad guys would recognise, let alone call their actions as 'bad'.

This continues with the repeated problems. I see a few grammar errors, and a lot of repetition. You seem to overuse imagery and descriptions, just focus on how to portray these points.

-Mark

i really like this, but I second eeryone else and I'd love to know what's going on, lol. So either post another chapter that's going to explain this or add more to this one.

yes, i know. my writing really sucks. i just post it on here because, well really i don't know why i post it on here.....

Ailam Remard wrote: Heavy German accents coated their deep voices.

The only thing i didn't go for was your word choice here.I just think of Heavy to be a old man kind of voice but then you used the word coated which seems to be a nice little smooth addition to a voice. I would have used a different word in place of coated. Possibly "thickened". I cant think of anything really good right now but coated just didn't seem to fit in

Overall this is very good. I can think of many places to fit this into. Do tell what you intend to do with it