Purple

The first time I saw you,
I nearly cried,
You're color was so sweet.

You looked so innocent,
You cared for me,
Caressed my lonely curves.

But then as all do,
You just got tired,
And left me alone and cold.

I cried for days,
I couldn't believe,
Your color took me the wrong way.

Ooh! I like it! It's very good and very creepy. You have a good use of repitition with the quoted part. It's not the annoying repetition which is good!! I think you really did manage to capture the coldness, slowly sinking in thorugh the poem. Very, very nice. Although, I don't understand at all what the title "Purple" has to do with this. I would change the title. Great piece! Keep writing! And welcome to YWS.

~Yoyo

Purple, something beautiful turning into your worst nightmare.

You know? Like dang I thought purple was the most wonderful color, and so did someone else, really special to me, and now we're at a bad place in our relationship and now purple has just turned into hate and coldness and fear for me.

Please if you are going to add information about your poem, just edit it. Posting over and over again annoys the reader.

Well sorry girl. Someone asked me what the title was about so I answered their question. That was sorta uncalled for if you ask me, yeah and I just left a nice comment on ur poem. So whateva.

Hey! Thanks for the crit, by the way...

Now, for Purple. First off, a great practice would be for you to start using good grammer all the time, on this website especially. It really actually does build your writing juices.

The "You're not worth it" has got to leave. Instead of building up suspense, it rather kills it.

So out with that.

Next, stop being so vague and general: "Doom holed up in the deepest crevice of my mind." Gross. Don't you think this is much better: "Death snuggles up in my cerebrum"?

So out with the doom, out with "hateful words", out with "coldness", out with "warmness in your curves," out with "All safeness gone".

Finally, cliches rot everything in your poem. So out with "your color took me the wrong way," "swept me off my feet," etc.

And now you have a skeleton! Build up from that.

Uh..... Um..... by doing what you say, my poem is pretty much gone. I wrote it the way I did for a reason, yeah, every line means something to me. I don't need people telling me how to write my poems thank you very much!

I don't have time for a critique, but there's some things you should know about YWS...

You know? Like dang I thought purple was the most wonderful color, and so did someone else, really special to me, and now we're at a bad place in our relationship and now purple has just turned into hate and coldness and fear for me.

No double-posting, please. You can just edit your previous post to answer the question.

Well sorry girl. Someone asked me what the title was about so I answered their question. That was sorta uncalled for if you ask me, yeah and I just left a nice comment on ur poem. So whateva.

Please don't get mad at people trying to tell you the rules. And just because you left a nice comment on their poem doesn't mean that they have to do the same. YWS critiques are honest opinions, not hollow praise left just because they received a nice comment from you.

Uh..... Um..... by doing what you say, my poem is pretty much gone. I wrote it the way I did for a reason, yeah, every line means something to me. I don't need people telling me how to write my poems thank you very much!

Please don't be defensive against your critiques... Gadi's review was helpful and well-meant, I believe. People who do critiques are only trying to help you improve. After all, he didn't demand that you change anything; they were just suggestions and advice. Try not to take it so harshly, okay?

Feel free to PM me with any questions/comments, and welcome to YWS! You can always check out the rules and guidelines/FAQ if you're not sure about anything.

Cheers,
Camille xx

That did not shuck that is way good than mine pomes or stories.U should wright fanfichion.


We should be friends

Allam Remard,


This:
"Your color took me the wrong way"

is by far the best thing in a poem that features an unconvincing start, a lack of attention to presentation, and a truly wretched ending.

In spite of the rambling footnote about how much this sucks, there is little here that conveys a sense of place, and thus a transition to a worse place.

As an aside, explaining/justifying a piece by saying you hate it implies a genuine dislike for your readers, for whom you don't have the common courtesy to keep the bad things you write tucked in a notebook or in the garbage. You may seek to sound disarming, but the effect is somewhat different.


Best,
Brad

I agree with Brad, this is angst and doesn't really make me feel anything. Sounds very emo-ish and poor me. You do try and at least approach it differently, but it's so angst ridden I feel no feeling from it other than, it's so run-of-the-mill and not really that great.

One thing, don't post a poem if ya don't want people to tear it apart or love it.

Overall: Yes ya try something new but still a long way to go. Try not to use cliche's as they often weaken a peice. That's my honest opinion.

Good luck
VSN

I think it's a nice try... The flow didn't really exist, though. But the title is nice, I liked that.

I kind of agree with all the people here. You should really think twice before you post anything if you can't handle criticism. Sorry for being so harsh, but it's true. People are trying to help you, not mock you. And if you don't agree with reviewers and don't want to change anything, then don't and that's that.

Don't feel bad about not-so-praising comments. Everybody gets them sometimes and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't make people like something if they don't. And I don't mean only your poem by this, I mean everything in the world.

You can really develop as a writer if you listen to what people have to say and maybe look at your work objectively. At least I've noticed that.

All the best from
Demeter

i actually felt the poem

i really felt it!
there was pain in it...like somthing real was happening- if you get told somthing enough, sooner or later you are going to believe it!
nice job!

but now...
Uh..... Um..... by doing what you say, my poem is pretty much gone. I wrote it the way I did for a reason, yeah, every line means something to me. I don't need people telling me how to write my poems thank you very much!

honey this is bascially what yws is for- getting critisim on your work!
Please dont get angry at these guys---they are only trying to help you follow the rules.
=) good luck!

Considering Purple is my favorite color, I had to take a look at this.
I agree with others here: a lot of this just seems like ongoing angst. Not that a little angst is bad, but when it seems to completely overrule anything else, it just gets a tad boring.
Nice try though, hon. You've got some definite potential!

~ Eden