My friends will=my nightmare...( a naruto story)

My best friend left a will before she died. She wanted me to destroy any trace of her and her demon. And with that she sealed it inside of me. That happened when I was seven. Now that I’m older and wiser I don’t know exactly what to do with my power. It’s been increasing by the weeks and it’s getting harder to suppress it. Trying to stay un-notice by everyone is tough work.

And on top of that I have a meeting with the hokage. I pulled my hand to my hair and ruffled it a little. This day so far has been suckish. The wind whispered as the sun shined as bright as ever. I arrived at the hokage’s place good and ready for whatever the hokage throw at me.( author’s note: this is before tsunada.)My arms were shaking a little because the hokage was the only one who knew about the accident.

There was an accident with the transferring the demon into me. My body became too powerful and lost control. I was the one who killed my best friend Anna, I was the reason that my whole village disappeared. It would have been okay if my village and the Leaf village weren’t signing a peace treaty. I killed not only the whole village, but the people who came over there to make the treaty official.

And with that I sealed my fate with 2 years banishment from the village. The only one who survived was me. The leaf village was not going to let me forget what I did. And yet I thank them for banishing me in the first place. There I wouldn’t have met Kabuto. One of ochimaru peoples the one who saved my life. I got stronger because of him.

I knocked on the door slowly and began to open it. “You wanted to see me sir.” My heart beat could have been heard for miles. The outside balcony door was opened as I turned to look at the hokage. He had a guess there. The guess stood about 6’, with silver hair, and has a mask covering his nose and mouth. His head band was diagonal over his left eye.

“Yes, oh Jada this is Sensei Kakashi.” I bowed slightly. Even though I had no clue why I was here when he had a meeting. “Why I called you here today is because you will be joining Kakashi’s group in training.” My lit up with such anger, but I didn’t say a word due to the fact that I might say the wrong thing + I didn’t have the guts. “Sir... Hokage can I speak to you in private please.” We went outside to the balcony and I smiled at Kakashi before we left the room. “Am I supposed to baby-sit them is that it?” I am very soft spoken so he could barely tell that I was mad.

He just smiled. “If that’s the way you see it then yes…. There are two rules you must follow: one: never use your demon around anyone and two: don’t let your emotions get the best out of you.” His smiled faded away as he got on his serious face. I am in such a mess I don’t even know which emotion I am at. I looked at him softly and then we both walked in together. I didn’t know who would be my teammates since they are assigned tomorrow, and maybe who knows maybe they won’t be as bad as I thought.

“Kakashi-sensie, where will I meet you tomorrow.” I put on the happiest smiles I could come up with. And Apparently I read ’Kill me now’ “In training ground C” He said with a smile. “Okay, can I be dismissed now?” I asked pleadingly. The hokage nodded and I rushed through the door. “She seems difficult.” Kakashi said as he watched the girl hurry at out the door.

“She is, but that’s why I gave you the liberty of training her. One of the most dedicated students you’ll ever meet. She knows her limits, but at the same time she will never give up. Her strategies are well… flawless, but I’m sure you can find a flaw after all she is human.” He blinks slowly as he turns to get up. “Oh and one more thing do not underestimate her.” Kakashi nods and walks away.

un-notice

I think that it is supposed to be un-noticed, right?


“Oh and one more thing do not underesamate her.” Kakashi nods and walks away.[/quote]

You need a comma after thing, and it's underestimeate.

I really liked it. It had a good polt, and the only flaws I could find were right there. Really good story though.

what is up with

I’m

and such?

I found quite a few flaws in the writing but i iked it so i have to agree with my frinds up there...^

some grammar mistakes but other then that i loved it and i must say i m a Naruto fan myself.and i will have my Naruto stories up Hear so watch out! LOL
Nice story!

My best friend left a will before she died. She wanted me to destroy any trace of her and her demon, and with that she sealed it inside of me. That happened when I was seven. Now that I’m older and wiser, I don’t know exactly what to do with my power. It’s been increasing by the weeks and it’s getting harder to suppress it. Trying to stay un-noticed by everyone is tough work.

A few questions:
-She wants to destroy any evidence about her and her demon, why? And why does she seal it inside your main character?
-If you MC was seven at the time, I assume her best friend was around the same age. How did someone that young know such an advanced jutsu as sealing a demon into a person?

[s]And[/s] On top of that I have a meeting with the Hokage. I pulled my hand to my hair and ruffed it a little. This day so far has been suckish. The wind whispered as the sun shined as bright as ever. I arrived at the Hokage’s place good and ready for whatever the Hokage would throw at me.[s]( author’s note: this is before tsunada.)[/s]My arms were shaking a little, because the Hokage was the only one who knew about the accident.

I don’t know for sure, but isn’t “shined” supposed to be “shone”?

The Hokage’s ‘place’ (where he has his office) is the Hokage Tower.

Take out your author’s note, it’s unprofessional. Also, it’s Tsunade, not Tsunada.

Perhaps her hands were shaking instead of her arms. That seems more natural, for a person’s hands to be shaking when nervous.

There was an accident with the transferring the demon into me. My body became too powerful and lost control. I was the one who killed my best friend Anna, I was the reason that my whole village disappeared. It would have been okay if my village and the Leaf village weren’t signing a peace treaty. I killed not only the whole village, but the people who came over there to make the treaty official.

Wait, what? You’re contradicting yourself here. In the first paragraph, your character says it has been difficult to suppress the demon’s power. Not that it went wrong. Then she killed her best friend (who was the former demon carrier?).

“I killed not only the whole village” Isn’t it kind of difficult to kill a building? (Sorry if it sounds silly, but I usually take a lot of written/spoken text seriously. And I can’t help it either!) Perhaps it would be better to say: “Not only did I kill all the village people” or something like that.

Why did the Leaf village come to make a treaty? Were they at war before? What’s your MC’s village called? (You could take a village from one of the fillers, if it makes you feel more comfortable.)

Instead of telling, show. Show us how she felt at the time. Make her think back to that moment. Anger, sadness, whatever she was feeling at the time.

And with that I sealed my fate with [s]2[/s]two years banishment from the village. The only one who survived was me. The Leaf village was not going to let me forget what I did - and yet I thank them for banishing me in the first place. [s]There[/s]Than I wouldn’t have met Kabuto. One of [s]ochimaru[/s]Orochimaru’s [s]peoples[/s]men, the one who saved my life. I got stronger because of him.

Banishment from the village? What village? I thought she’d just killed everyone there. Or do you mean Konoha?

I believe the correct term for “leaf village” is “Village Hidden in the Leaf” otherwise known as “Konoha” or “Konohagakure”.

And why does Kabuto want to help her?

I knocked on the door slowly and began to open it. “You wanted to see me sir.” My heart beat could have been heard for miles. The outside balcony door was opened as I turned to look at the Hokage. He had a guest there. The guest stood about 6’, with silver hair, and had a mask covering his nose and mouth. His head band was diagonal over his left eye.

“Yes, oh, Jada this is [s]Senesa[/s] Kakashi.” I bowed slightly. Even though I had no clue why I was here when he had a meeting. “Why I called you here today is because you will be joining Kakashi’s group in training.” My lit up with such anger, but I didn’t say a word due to the fact that I might say the wrong thing [s]+[/s] plus I didn’t have the guts. “Sir... Hokage can I speak to you in private please.” We went outside to the balcony and I smiled at Kakashi before we left the room. “Am I supposed to babysit them, is that it?” I am very soft spoken so he could barely tell that I was mad.

You use the word “guest” twice in the first paragraph. Perhaps you could use a different word in the second sentence. Like, “visitor” for example.

Senesa is supposed to be Sensei, but I suggest you use his last name instead, so it would become “Hatake Kakashi” (last name first in Japanese).

“My lit up with such anger” Her what lit up?

You may want to use “Hokage-sama” as a matter of respect for him?

He just smiled. “If that’s the way you see it then yes…. There are two rules you must follow. One: never use your demon around anyone, and two: don’t let your emotions get the best out of you.” His smile[s]d[/s] faded away as he got on his serious face. I am in such a mess I don’t even know which emotion I am at. I looked at him softly and then we both walked in together. I didn’t know who would be my teammates since they are assigned tomorrow, and maybe who knows maybe they won’t be as bad as I thought.

Only three dots are supposed to be after “yes”.

How do you get on a serious face? Perhaps, “His expression turned serious” might be better to use.

“Kakashi-senesa, where will I meet you tomorrow.” I put on the happiest smiles I could come up with. And apparently I read ’Kill me now’ “In training ground C” He said with a smile. “Okay, can I be dismissed now?” I asked pleadingly. The Hokage nodded and I rushed through the door. “She seems difficult.” Kakashi said as he watched the girl hurry at out the door.

Again, it’s “sensei”, not “senesa”, so the outcome would be “Kakashi-sensei”.

I don’t quite get the second sentence. Why does she read ‘kill me now’?
As far as I know, training grounds have numbers in the Naruto universe. (For example, Forest of death is training ground #44, or at least somewhat close to that number.)

At the end of the paragraph, you suddenly switch to third person. Fix it (so you follow your character instead of finding out what Kakashi says), or make the entire chapter third person.

And oh, why does she seem difficult to Kakashi?

“She is, but that’s why I gave you the liberty of training her. One of the most dedicated students you’ll ever meet. She knows her limits, but at the same time she will never give up. Her strategies are well… flawless, but I’m sure you can find a flaw after all she is human.” He blinks slowly as he turns to get up. “Oh and one more thing do not underesamate her.” Kakashi nods and walks away.

“Underesamate” is supposed to be “underestimate”.

A few last things I wanted to mention:

You keep switching around from using present tense to past tense. Stick to one, please.

With a character like Jada, I suggest you be very careful with her. Do a Mary-Sue litmus test, to make sure she doesn’t have any Sue-qualities. (A few are fine, but be honest, a perfect character is boring.) The reason that I’m pointing this out is 1) she’s a jinchuuriki (demon-container), and 2) the Hokage says she is flawless. Excuse, but even the Hokage himself has flaws.

One thing I was confused about is how she ended up in Konoha again. You info-dump a lot of her history on us. Use your story to tell her history instead. Mention parts when she is talking to other characters, or when she’s having an inner monologue. This could be a good story, but you need to develop your character more. For example, does she feel regret for killing her best friend? Do a character interview (for example) to help understand her a bit more, or look at some character sheets online to fill in.
Best of luck with your story!

Thank-you guys so much for reading.... and stuff ,but this is just a rough daft. It's not the final thing. I'm working on the final thing ,and questions about why you post the daft. because I wanted to know what was wrong with it. and you guys helped me so much thanks for the your comments and stuff.

Hey! Fan of Naruto XD Just a few minor mistakes i picked up, but I'm not really good a picking through someone's work for every single gramatical error.

Trying to stay un-notice by everyone is tough work.

I do believe you mean Unnoticed.

And on top of that I have a meeting with the hokage.

[s]And[/s] can be eliminated in thi scentence, and Hokage has to be capitalized. =)

The wind whispered as the sun shined as bright as ever.

Maybe you mean: "The wind whispered, and the sun shined as bright as ever."

I was the one who killed my best friend Anna, I was the reason that my whole village disappeared.

I do believe you can use: "I was the one who killed my best friend Anna; I was the reason that my whole village disappeared."

One of ochimaru peoples the one who saved my life.

Uhm, there's alot of problems with this. Firstly, Orochimaru (he's a person!) Maybe the scentence should be: "He was one of Orochimaru's people. He was the one who saved my life."

He had a guess there. The guess stood about 6’, with silver hair, and has a mask covering his nose and mouth. His head band was diagonal over his left eye.

Firstly, I thought you said this was Tsunade! Not the Third Hokage! "guess" should be guest, and instead of using numbers in your writing, write their real name out. "6'" should be Six feet.

“Yes, oh Jada this is [s]Sensei Kakashi[/s].” I bowed slightly.

Since I'm already into Shippuuden of Naruto, I know alot about the terms that the characters are addressed by. If Jada will not be under the teaching of Kakashi, he will be introduced to her as "Kakashi Hatake". Actually, any person would be introduced like that. They will be called "Sensei" when they are addressing them as their teacher/mentor. The beginning should be: "Yes. Oh, Jada, this is Kakashi Hatake." Then try saying something like: "The Hokage said." Then add what Jada does.

My lit up with such anger, but I didn’t say a word(!) due to the fact that I might say the wrong thing(!) + I didn’t have the guts.

"My" should be "I". "...but I didn't say a word, due to the fact that I might say the wrong thing." Then start a new scentence: "Plus, I didn't have the guts to." And never use short forms in any sort of writing.

“Am I supposed to baby-sit them(!) is that it?”

"Am I supposed to baby-sit them? Is that it?"

“If that’s the way you see it then yes…. There are two rules you must follow: one: never use your demon around anyone and(!) two: don’t let your emotions get the best out of you.”

"If that's the way you see it then yes...." When ending a scentence when a person trails off, use four dots, not three. "There are two rules you must follow: one, never use your demon around anyone, and two, don't let your emotions get the best of you."

I didn’t know who would be my teammates since they are assigned tomorrow, [s]and maybe[/s] who knows(!) maybe they won’t be as bad as I thought.

There's alot of little problems with this scentence. "I didn't know who would be my teammates since they are assigned tomorrow. Who knows, maybe they wouldn't be as bad as I thought."

“Kakashi-sensie, where will I meet you tomorrow.”

"Kakashi-Sensei, where will I meet you tomorrow?"

“In training ground C(!)” He said with a smile.

"In training ground C," He said..." And since Kakashi's face is covered with a mask, all except his one eye, you could add something like: "He said, his eye smiling." or something!

"She is, but that’s why I gave you the liberty of training her. One of the most dedicated students you’ll ever meet. She knows her limits, but at the same time she will never give up. Her strategies are(!) well… flawless, but I’m sure you can find a flaw(!) after all(!) she is human.”

"Her strategies are, well... flawless, but I'm sure you can find a floaw. After all, she is human."

“Oh and one more thing(!) do not underestimate her.”

"Oh and one more thing: do not underestimate her."

So far, pretty good. Since I'm a huge Naruto fanatic, I can probably help with anything you'll need to know for writing Naruto fanfics. I know you published this a while back, but I stumbled upon it, and I hope you'll take this into consideration. If someone hasn't already told you, here are a few things to know about the naruto series:

Tsunada= Tsunade
Sensea= Sensei
ochimaru= Orochimaru

And, Tsunade is a femal Hokage, so I think in this you were talking about the Third Hokage. Lady Tsunade is the Fifth. So if you need any help in the present, just message me, and I'll help! There were alot of mistakes in this... but, hey, every writer has their flaws. Nothing is perfect!

PEACE !

LaReina!