Werewolf Lovesick Blues Chapter 1

A/N Yeah.... Just thought I'd go around posting stories in different places. Critiques are welcome. ^^ A/N

Rated for language and some odd stuff.

Warning: Sexual frustration ahead!


Werewolf Lovesick Blues

I need a girlfriend.

Here I am, gnawing on some Possum-y thing, when the sudden, human thought popped into my head. It wasn't surprising, I mean, I have hunted before. It's just, you think of the weirdest things after the thrill of the pounce and kill fades.

I think of it like sex: you're getting all hot and sweaty- you think you could do this forever, and after that orgasm hits, you're both basking in the afterglow while your minds are turning to more mundane things, like what to have for breakfast, how to take that math test you completely forgot about after she got into bed with you, or you know, if the condom broke or not. Stuff you wouldn't think about when you're humping the living daylights out of someone. Not that'd I know or anything, I just listen to what my friends tell me.

Same thing here. After my hunt-gasm, the adrenaline was draining away and the blood in my mouth was cooling. Instinct gave away to human reasoning. With my stomach full, I wasn't anything more than a lonely guy in a wolf's body.

I need a girlfriend. I thought again. I never really gave it much thought before, but tracking and taking down a helpless woodland creature made me think about it. I had friends, when you were part of The Pack (A werewolf-y clique thing) you were never alone. It's just, I dunno, I just wanted someone I could get close to; Someone I could trust to say anything to and not feel like a complete moron about it. Someone I didn't always need to lie to. I thought about the girls in The Pack.

Now, just so all of you out there don't get confused with what all those books about us tell you, not every werewolf female is crazy, badass, and a constantly PMSing bitch. When they have their time of the month, sure, they could be like that. Other than that, they're pleasant to be around. I've hung out with them, but I don't think any of them would ever want to... You know, go out with me. Compared to the other, more muscular members of The Pack, I was scrawny. I'm the designated last resort, werewolf-race-close-to-extinction guy. Unless there was some kind of mass werewolf killing spree, the possibility of getting a girlfriend from The Pack was practically nil.

Sometimes I wish I didn't decide to become a vegetarian, getting buff wouldn't be as much of a problem. The possum in my mouth said otherwise, but when I'm human, it's nothing but tofu and broccoli. I'm a firm believer of karma, and why not? If werewolves exist, then invisible forces that liked to fuck with you after you do something wrong didn't seem too far off. I like to think of my vegetarianism as atoning for the things I hunt down during the night. I mean, I have a modest share of meat as a wolf, do I really need to eat roasted cows and chickens as a human?

Maybe I should try for a human girlfriend. At least most of them don't care whether or not your muscles are half of your body mass, or that you're packing a huge gun under your pants. I snorted, yeah, that'd turn out well, I could imagine having kids, ("Congratulations Mrs. Cramwell- it's a litter.") Besides, it was against the rules- No human mates. Could you imagine how fucked the werewolf population would be if there were hybrids running over the place? Now that I think about it, that wouldn't be a bad idea, a food shortage could count towards the werewolf-race-close-to-extinction requirement.

I threw the scraps of possum into the woods, and trotted back to the house.

Hey there.

Here I am, gnawing on some Possum-y thing, when the sudden, human thought popped into my head.

Not a good start. I mean can you describe what the possum carcass is like? And what the heck is a human thought? If your narrator is a werewolf, then does he/she have a conscious idea on whether if his/her thoughts are human like or not?

It's just, you think of the weirdest things after the thrill of the pounce and kill fades.

You don't need "kill fades", the phase "thrill of the pounce" pretty much portray that idea.

Compared to the other, more muscular members of The Pack, I was scrawny. I'm the designated last resort, werewolf-race-close-to-extinction guy.

What a cliche...following that loser/loner archtype for a protagonist. Come on! Show some originality. Geeze.

Overall impressions:

I did not like this piece for a number of reasons. Firstly, your character is flat and follows the loner/loser arch-type. All he does is complain complain complain, and to make it worse, you also included some typical ideas of sex into the equation. Hence, you have this loner/loser type protagonist wanting a female (and I have a feeling that the plot will hint that way) which is an even worse cliche than just having your character being the loner/loser.

Secondly, where the heck is the showing? All of this is just straight on info dumping (He did this, he did that etc etc). Yes in first person, you can tell the reader about his emotions, thoughts etc but this is just overkill. There is so much of it that we the reader have little time to care about him at all. This is just typical emo type complaining with no originality in it.

Thirdly, werewolves are creatures of mythology. If you are to use werewolves in a modern setting, then you need to show to the reader as to how they react, their system of living etc etc. Right now, this is unconvincing, and for combining the typical idea of sex with werewolves...it's just a disgrace. Werewolves have a deep mythos to them, yet hardly of that is shown. You didn't even scratch the surface man.

Do some research on werewolves, make them seem convincing in this modern setting and try again.

Andy.

It seems pretty good.You should revise it more carefully though.Also maybe add some more descriptive detail...Oh, also you may want to use a different way of describing the animal
that the werewolf is eating instead of saying "some possum-y thing ".Just some suggestions, I think it's really good though I hope you write more soon.Bye!Good Job!

*waves*

Hello, my name is Sunny and I will be your editor for this evening! :D

Oliveman wrote:A/N Yeah.... Just thought I'd go around posting stories in different places. Critiques are welcome. ^^ A/N

Rated for language and some odd stuff.

Warning: Sexual frustration ahead!


Werewolf Lovesick Blues

I need a girlfriend.

Here I am, gnawing on some Possum-y (don't capitalize possum) thing, when the sudden, human thought popped into my head. It wasn't surprising, I mean, I have hunted before. It's just, you think of the weirdest things after the thrill of the pounce and kill fades.

I think of it like sex: you're getting all hot and sweaty- you think you could do this forever, and after that orgasm hits, you're both basking in the afterglow while your minds are turning to more mundane things, like what to have for breakfast, how to take that math test you completely forgot about after she got into bed with you, or you know, if the condom broke or not. Stuff you wouldn't think about when you're humping the living daylights out of someone. Not that'd I know or anything, I just listen to what my friends tell me. (Wow. Weird but really funny, lol.)

Same thing here. After my hunt-gasm, the adrenaline was draining away and the blood in my mouth was cooling. Instinct gave away to human reasoning. With my stomach full, I wasn't anything more than a lonely guy in a wolf's body.

I need a girlfriend. (comma instead of period, and thoughts are usually in italics) I thought again. I never really gave it much thought before, but tracking and taking down a helpless woodland creature made me think about it. (Okay, you just said "thought" or "think" three times in the last two sentences. Please fix) I had friends, when you were part of The Pack (A werewolf-y (ooh, take away the 'y' i think) clique thing) you were never alone. It's just, I dunno, (I'm not sure the stutter works for this) I just wanted someone I could get close to; Someone (don't capitalize the 'someone') I could trust to say anything to and not feel like a complete moron about it. Someone I didn't always need to lie to. I thought about the girls in The Pack.

Now, just so all of you out there don't get confused with what all those books about us tell you, not every werewolf female is crazy, badass, and a constantly PMSing bitch. (LOL) When they have their time of the month, sure, they could be like that. Other than that, they're pleasant to be around. I've hung out with them, but I don't think any of them would ever want to... You know, go out with me. Compared to the other, more muscular members of The Pack, I was scrawny. I'm the designated last resort, werewolf-race-close-to-extinction guy. Unless there was some kind of mass werewolf killing spree, the possibility of getting a girlfriend from The Pack was practically nil.

Sometimes I wish I didn't decide to become a vegetarian, getting buff wouldn't be as much of a problem. The possum in my mouth said otherwise, but when I'm human, it's nothing but tofu and broccoli. I'm a firm believer of karma, and why not? If werewolves exist, then invisible forces that liked to fuck with you after you do something wrong didn't seem too far off. I like to think of my vegetarianism as atoning for the things I hunt down during the night. I mean, I have a modest share of meat as a wolf, do I really need to eat roasted cows and chickens as a human?

Maybe I should try for a human girlfriend. At least most of them don't care whether or not your muscles are half of your body mass, or that you're packing a huge gun under your pants. I snorted, yeah, that'd turn out well, (period after 'snorted' and italicize "yeah, that'd turn out well," period) I could imagine having kids, ("Congratulations Mrs. Cramwell- it's a litter.") Besides, ('but' instead of 'besides' I think) it was against the rules- No human mates. Could you imagine how fucked the werewolf population would be if there were hybrids running over the place? Now that I think about it, that wouldn't be a bad idea, a food shortage could count towards the werewolf-race-close-to-extinction requirement.

I threw the scraps of possum into the woods, and trotted back to the house.

I really like this, it's cute. I'd really like a little more backstory on the werewolf - like a name, lol? - and just kind of some subtle pieces that explain just a little bit about the Pack and stuff. I'm excited to read more though! Post soon!

Hey, I thought this was kind of funny

I mean, the things you said in there made me smile.

*beams*

Overall, you have a good start here but you definitely need to broaden the range. Description, Description, Description! (sorry that I repeated!) But, I need to see what it happening. Imagine him devouring this poor, defenseless possum instead of you just telling me he is.

I did like how you worked with the main character's emotions though. It was real, what this guy is feeling, so don't change that because that was good.

But, adding a few descriptions will totally pull this together!

Keep Writing!

Oliveman wrote:
Here I am, gnawing on some Possum-y thing, when the sudden, human thought popped into my head.

It took me reading that line a few times to relieze what it meant. Please refrase that.

It's just, I dunno, I just wanted someone I could get close to; Someone I could trust to say anything to and not feel like a complete moron about it.

The Someone needs to be lower cased.

Now, just so all of you out there don't get confused with what all those books about us tell you, not every werewolf female is crazy, badass, and a constantly PMSing bitch. When they have their time of the month, sure, they could be like that. Other than that, they're pleasant to be around.

I liked that part. I don't know why, but I found it amusing.

If werewolves exist, then invisible forces that liked to fuck with you after you do something wrong didn't seem too far off.

like, not liked. Liked is past tense.

I threw the scraps of possum into the woods, and trotted back to the house.

Interesting way to end it. You just kinda dropped it out of the blue. Oh well. Good job. There were just a few things that needed to be pointed out, but other then that good job. I liked it. Realistic, least for a werewolf.

i liked it, but you NEED more description, what did the possum taste like? was it warm or cold, soft or chewy? was it hard to eat around the bones or did he eat it bones and all? maybe you could say something about werewolf life, do werewolves get flees like dogs, do some werewolves get caught in traps? are their lots of werewolves or are they an endangered species? does the rest of the world know about werewolves or is it a secret? sorry for going on like this, i hope that you can at least use a little bit of what I've said to help in the revision!