Emmaline [revised]

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“Emmaline.”

He was trapped in a cave-in.

Edward’s breathing constricted as, second by second, the weight of the massive rocks began to crush him out of consciousness, out of being.

His bulging muscles indicated great strength, but physical power could indicate nothing about his ability to escape so long as his will power was deceased.

His vision flickered, and his tangled body collapsed under the strain. Edward peered upwards, searching for the slightest glimmer of opportunity, of possibility to evade downfall.

And though darkness engulfed him, impairing his vision, Edward knew that what he sought out was long gone. Fate had dictated inevitable separation from his potential savior, severance from his only hope in the pressure and gloom. Fate? Rather he himself had caused this, through what surely was immense naivety on his part.

In the slight perception he still possessed, Edward cursed himself, as though his downfall weren’t punishment enough. He would be tortured so long as he had memories of the past--because these recollections, in contrast to the present, made his current situation even worse.

Her sound embrace. Her defined scent, floating around days after its owner had departed. Her lively eyes, his reflection shimmering in them as they intently followed his every move. The indescribably peaceful, awed expression on her face in his presence. Perfection.

And he had disposed of it all for...for what? For the possibility that he couldn’t possibly have reached the peak of his life, that something even greater was surely lurking around the bend.

But, alas, the path he had taken was nothing but a dead end.

A single word was uttered in this moment of defeat—and though it could not possibly do his feelings justice, it sent an out-of-earshot apology to the only one he felt for.
“Emmaline.”


And somewhere, miles away, a girl was also peering upwards, desperate for a glimpse of the sun.

An everlasting expanse of sky, invisible to her eyes, was home to this phenomenon—phenomenal not because of its of warmth and light, but because of its permanence.

Every night, shadows were cast over the world. Pale, translucent light would replace the powerful shimmer of the star suspended over the Earth as the moon got its chance to reign.

And yet, every morning, the sun would return, ready to guide the paths of all of the world’s inhabitants it shone over. Sometimes clouds obscured its brilliance, but the sun always prevailed.

Tears dimmed her vision even more as she lamented her misfortunes. She sat beneath the shade of thousands of towering treetops. The forest was thick and impenetrable by all outsiders, including the mighty sun. She hadn’t seen sunlight in so long, she was sure that the moon had triumphed.

The beauty of the sun was so close; she could sense the ghost of its vivid influence trickling through her veins. But it wasn’t here, where she had been imprisoned in gloom for so long. It was beyond this maze of trees—out of her line of vision. No matter how hard she squinted, her eyes could not penetrate the darkness.

She had invested so much in him, and in turn, he had promised the world to her. He was a constant in her life; no matter how dark her life seemed to be, she could rely on him to be her protecter, to overpower life’s clouds and shadows. They thrived off of one another’s presence day in and out. Until...until she wasn’t enough. Until he was sick of being the one to conjure happiness. She couldn’t pinpoint the day that had happened. Only the day he had admitted it. The day he’d colored her world gray.

Her bare leg brushed up against the rough tree trunk, and she flinched, having forgotten every sense but her sight. She could, at least, see her body, a pale figure, radiate through the darkness.

And looking at her weak leg it struck her—Waiting had done her no good. The sun would not find her. She herself had to seek light. She had seen the sun before—who was to say she couldn’t find it again, somewhere else?

“Why didn’t I think of that? Just...walk away,” Emmaline breathed. Happiness and satisfaction wouldn’t come to her if she did nothing to gain them. Edward had once been her source of contentment, of security. She could feel that again, with someone or something that wouldn’t lead her away from the daylight and abandon her in the shade.

“Emmaline,” he said.

But she was already gone.
Last edited by AndNeverAgainx3 on Tue May 06, 2008 1:07 am, edited 2 times in total.
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I love it! Such an awesome work! Keep writing. :)
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Beautiful writing!
I love the imagery of the scene described.




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alexa119310 wrote:Beautiful writing!
I love the imagery of the scene described.


I love it. And, shockingly, there's nothing to criticize :shock: *aww*

Good job!
They tell me I'm a lazy lump of waste.

I'm just too humble to show them my genius :D

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Hello there! I haven't seen you around YWS before! My name is Saint and I shall be your critiquer today. :D

The muscles bulging from beneath his tattered sleeves indicated great strength, but physical power could indicate nothing about his ability to escape so long as his will power was deceased.

Meh... this sentence feels like you're trying too hard. In other words, it's unnatural. I think "indicate" shouldn't be used twice. Try "physical power could do nothing as long as his willpower was dead." And yes, omit that small phrase in the middle, and willpower is one word. ;)

Honestly, I think you're a little too thesaurus-happy. Your vocabulary is *way* up there -- not that that's necessarily a bad thing, it just makes it seem like you're trying too hard. Remember, you're writing for an audience, and not every audience is going to have as advanced a vocabulary as you do. You *always* have to think of the reader. If you're writing for college professors, then this is spiffy. But if you're writing for, say, young adults? Not so spiffy.

The cave-in was his mind, and his lost hope for revival was her.

Aagh! You just ruined a *really* good metaphor. Don't explain what it is! That ruins the whole juicy goodness of the lit device!

An everlasting expanse of sky, currently invisible to her shaded eyes, was home to this phenomenon—phenomenal not because of its radiance of warmth and light, but because of its permanence.

Jargon! Tone down your word choice. Yes it's pretty and makes you look smart, but you *can* lose the reader. I'm not telling you to start putting base words, like "pretty" and "happy" and whatnot, just use less complex multisyllabic words. You want to find the balance between good word choice & imagery and burying your ideas under indecipherable jargon.

Pale, translucent light would replace the powerful shimmer of the star suspended over the Earth as the moon got its chance to reign.

See? This is perfect. Some more common, easier-to-understand words, and yet you lose none of the imagery and beauty. More of this!

she was sure that the moon had triumphed

And *this* is how not to ruin a metaphor. ;) Well done.

She could, at least, see her body, a pale figure swathed in indistinguishable cloth radiate

Comma after "cloth." And I'd recommend getting rid of "at least," but that's a personal judgment call.

it struck her—Waiting had done her no good.

Lowercase W, and you should put spaces on both sides of the hyphen.

And you don't know what you have until it's gone.

Aaagh! No! Don't throw the moral at us at the end like that! You were going *so* good, you were doing *so* well, and then you climbed up onto your soapbox to shout that to the heavens. No one likes to be lectured dead-on point like that. You want to make that message subtle -- and hey, you had it subtle until that line there!

Overall, this is written very well. Imaginative and poetic, but sometimes the word choice feels like you're trying too hard to achieve that. Let the words flow, don't force them to be complex. If they are, hooray! If they aren't, hooray. :)

Something you could improve on: Now that I know your moral since you threw it so roughly into my face at the end there, I'd expand on the bit with Edward at the beginning. Right now, it feels like Emmaline is dominating the story. But elaborating more on Edward's despair, illustrating a bit of exposition between the two (flashback, perhaps?) might help to get rid of that sudden thrust of the moral at the end so that it's more subtle and your reader realises it a bit more gradually. That's what really makes readers go, "Aaah! How cool!"

¿Comprendiste, amiga? ;)

Again, your writing itself is very beautiful, very eloquent, although maybe a bit too high-brow for most audiences. Your content is good as well, but it has *so* much more potential. Best of luck with this! It could be more than good one day. ;)

If you have any questions, comments, concerns, chocolate pudding, whatever, don't hesitate to send me a PM! I'll be glad to help. :D

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I don't know; did I ruin the metaphor by adding in extra details to Emmaline's part of the story? I think I did.
I wish one of you could tell me. I'm about to bring this to school to show my friend. LOL. I want it to be as good as possible, since I don't usually show people my writing.
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I changed the "Revised" part of your title to lowercase.
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Oh, wow!
I really liked this!
Amazing truely!

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That was great! I want to help, but honestly, I can't really find anything. Besides, Saint hit most of it. Although I'll repeat what he said about the word usage. Younger readers won't understand it, or will have to keep a dictionary by them at all times during reading. It's best just to tone it down a bit, okay?
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this was an awsome peice of literature. I can't point anything out that needs to be fixed. ^_^
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Yeah, I am at a lost. I have nothing to critique on except this:

His bulging muscles indicated great strength, but physical power could indicate nothing about his ability to escape so long as his will power was deceased.


All right, I might be totally wrong on this but I think you are missing a comma between escape and so long. This sentence just seems too long without it.

The day he’d colored her world gray.


Wow, when I read this line, immediately, I gasped!

*stares at screen in awe*

This line is so powerful. I love it! :D

Anyway, I have to agree with the others above that this is a wonderful piece and so ends my review since I have nothing to correct! :wink:

Keep Writing!
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