Moments

Moments,
Only for moments
it’s just us.

For a blink of an eye
and the draw of a breath,
we belong
to each other.

Just two people who can laugh
or talk or hold each other
or just lie there and do nothing at all.

Even if it feels
like we’re stealing seconds
from other people’s lives.

Stealing moments that
like trains and glimpses of yellow sun,
pass us by,
slip through our fingers.

They leave us behind,
with shaking heads
and battered hearts.

Because this world,
World of the Possible
and nothing else
spins back to us.

It sweeps us back
onto our feet
and reminds us what’s real.

Brings us to a reality
where we’re apart.
Where we always will be.

And I don’t know about you,
but I’m hoping,
just waiting
for the next moment.

Please be as cruel as you can. I shan't be offended. I'm no poet, but I tried. I want to know what's wrong.

I thinks it is really good.
I liked some parts a wicked lot
but then sometimes if felt cliche or like you just skipped over a thought and wrote something else down. I don't know.
Its still real good. Your a good writer.
keep it up!

That was good. Don't lie, Stella. You are a poet.

That was very good, a little cliche but as poems go on it's hard to find something original to right about, and you dont really notice the extremely little cliche that is in this poem.

It flowed with an excellent rythem and you had some great imagery and metaphors, cant wait to read more of your work.

That was nice! Good job.
I thought that the enjambement was a little awkward in places (excuse the spelling please, i'm useless) because some phrases seemed to benefit from the pause created but others juttered. Believe me, it's just my opinion and you don't have to take account.

It was a lovely poem and i really liked the line about a train or a yellow sun. That was lovely - it really put the picture in my head!

Please keep writing! I'd like to read more of your work!

Moments,
Only for moments
it’s just us.

For a blink of an eye
and the draw of a breath,
we belong
to each other.

Just two people who can laugh
or talk or hold each other
or just lie there and do nothing at all

Okay, the first and third stanza are cliche. They're not badly written, but they are over used---the ideas of "just us" and holding each other--there are other ways to express attraction/love. The second stanza is better. See the verbs of 'blink' and 'draw', those are stronger verbs then 'talk' or 'do'. Use strong verbs! Poetry should be concise, which means: say what you mean in the most exact, eloquent way you can.

Even if it feels
like we’re stealing seconds
from other people’s lives.

Stealing moments that
like trains and glimpses of yellow sun,
pass us by,
slip through our fingers.

They leave us behind,
with shaking heads
and battered hearts.

This is the part I really like and feel is original. This "stealing seconds" is a great poetic feeling. The imagery of"trains and glimpses" is excellent. The final stanza is a good wrap up.

Because this world,
World of the Possible
and nothing else
spins back to us.

It sweeps us back
onto our feet
and reminds us what’s real.

Brings us to a reality
where we’re apart.
Where we always will be.

And I don’t know about you,
but I’m hoping,
just waiting
for the next moment.

I like the notion of the world being "of the Possible and nothing else". Now, the middle two stanzas "It sweeps...." to "will be" are rabbling. You're using two stanzas to say we've come back to reality when you've already said that in the previous stanza (spins back to us). So, I would cut out those two stanzas.

I like it quite a bit. I'd give this poem a second look, edit the cliche, cut out the rabbling, and beef up the imagery. If you do that I think this could become a good piece. There's lots of potential. Keep writing!

It seems like a love poem and I don't doubt it is, It is good. In fact, you show real potential. I like your works. They are good. Nice use of repetitive words. Seriously! It shows the poem's theme. Keep writing!

Wow, this is a really good poem! I wish that I could write poetry this well...So, anywayz, nitpicks :

Moments,
Only for moments
it’s just us.

This is just my opinion but I would change the just to an only

For a blink of an eye
and the draw of a breath,
we belong
to each other.

I would make the last two lines into one line...It confuses the rhythm as two lines...

Just two people who can laugh
or talk or hold each other
or just lie there and do nothing at all.

I would delete the can here...And maybe change the or's in the second line into and's...

Even if it feels
like we’re stealing seconds
from other people’s lives.

I would change the if in the first line into a "and"...And, delete the people's from the last line...

Stealing moments that
like trains and glimpses of yellow sun,
pass us by,
slip through our fingers.

Wow, I love this stanza, my favorite by far...

They leave us behind,
with shaking heads
and battered hearts.

I would make the second line, shaking their heads, and the third line into, with battered hearts...It just seems to flow better...

Because this world,
World of the Possible
and nothing else
spins back to us.

I would put a "the" into the 2nd line...

It sweeps us back
onto our feet
and reminds us what’s real.

I would put an "of" before the "what's real"

Brings us to a reality
where we’re apart.
Where we always will be.


And I don’t know about you,
but I’m hoping,
just waiting
for the next moment.

The last two stanzas are excellent, and I think the ending was great...

Good job on this and I liked the way you used repetition in this poem...The theme is a bit overused, but your method of conveying it makes it an excellent poem...So, good job on this and a gold star for you.

fluteluvr77

Aw thank you!

*laughs* I was persuaded I was in love with a friend's boyfriend when I wrote this, if you must know. Now they're broken up and he and I sort of drifted in different directions, but suddenly we're really good friends again and it's so nice not to have to worry about this kinda thing.

I still kinda like the poem though. And I usually hate my own poetry. Thank you so much!

I loved the thought put into and I liked the images I got from it butttttt (yes there is alwaysa a BUT) it seemed very go....stop.stop..goo...like a iece where thoughts were not finished...