This beautiful lie

Something I came up with for my english project.

They were looking at the sky,
wondering if they should cry.
The stars have died,
and they couldn’t shine.
As a cup running out of wine,
our hopes were flying high.
Because with you by my side,
I swear this life
Is nothing without this beautiful lie.

Seems like a nice poem to me, but the rhyming scheme is all over the place:

AABCCDEFA

If you are going to make something rhyme, be sure it has a definite rhyming scheme. 'High' and 'Side' don't rhyme. Sorry if I sound harsh. I don't mean to be. I really like the poem, though. Just fix the rhyme scheme and it will be perfect!

teenweirdo wrote:but the rhyming scheme is all over the place

I think that's one of your biggest problems with this. If I were you, I'd just make it: AABBCCDD etc.

"The stars have died,
and they couldn’t shine." The second line here is completely unnecessary. The first line is enough to tell us they aren't shining. It's pretty obvious you were just putting it there to rhyme with 'wine.'

"Is nothing without this beautiful lie." Don't capitalize 'is', to make it consistent with the rest.

"As a cup running out of wine,
our hopes were flying high." I'm not really sure about the analogy here. A cup running out of wine? That makes it more sound as though it should be associated with running out of hope (hope being the object here).

Also. You changed the focus of the poem, the pronouns, from 'they' to 'our' and 'I'. If the 'they' isn't supposed to mean the same people as the 'you' and the 'I', I have no idea who it's supposed to be. Because you don't say anything about 'they' for the rest of the poem.

"Because with you by my side,
I swear this life
Is nothing without this beautiful lie." This sentence doesn't really make sense to me... When I started reading it I expected it to be something like "Because with you by my side, I sweat this life is nothing but a beautiful lie." Of course, it often pays to be unpredictable, hmm? And come to think of it, my sentence made little more sense than yours. Well, I just thought I'd point it out as something to think about and look at twice.

Good punctuation and everything. Just fix up that rhyme scheme, and take a look at what I suggested. In the end, it's yours to do with as you will:) If you make any changes, let me know. I'd like to read it again:)

Keep writing!


*adna*