Dear Houston

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Jane was standing with her arms dangling out of our dormitory on the fourteenth floor, exposing her still-wet nail polish to the gale-force winds that were shrieking between the school buildings. The sky was dark, holding something like a hurricane in its swollen black clouds. She whistled Dixie over the roar of thunder and yelled, “When you die, what do you want on your headstone?”

She never asked a question she didn’t already have an answer to. Discussion was not for the formation of new ideas, but for the sheer entertainment of old ones. “I don’t know,” I said, barely able to hear myself speak, though I leaned over as far off the edge of my bed as I could. “I don’t know if I want to be buried. I kind of want to decompose.”

She frowned. “You and your Earth Mother shit.” Rain began to smack against the sidewalk, and she didn’t so much as recoil. It dripped off the roof just beyond the tips of her fingers, where red sludge remained pooled, waiting. “Cemeteries are…well. They’re so romantic, don’t you think?”

If there was any one institution that nurtured necrophilia, it was parochial school. Mass was always centered around death—there was so many sins to atone for and so many to commit, and the waiting line before Saint Peter wound around the block. Angelic Disneyland Fast-Passes were only available to those who paid careful attention to the time bomb that was mortality.

“Just think about it. The dim shadow of mausoleums, the only breathing that of you and the perfect girl-slash-boy…”

I flinched. She was flagrant in many ways, the first and foremost of them her homosexuality. She was a lesbian before the dawn of time, I was certain—an activist marching from the womb with a rainbow flag in her fists. It wasn’t apparent at first glance. One of her many sadistic delights was to ensnare straight boys and then accuse them of heterocentrism when they fell at her feet, begging for a movie, a dance, a grope.

Apparently, I was the only one who had problems with girl-slash-boys. Sex with any prefix was something I elected not to dwell on.

“You creeper.”

“Na-o-mi,” she said in the way she always did when I said something ignorant. “You’re the creeper. Rotting? Who does that?”

“Nomadic tribesmen who don’t have the resources for embalming?”

She sighed. “Touché.”

When she ran her fingernails together without clumping or running, she closed the window and the rain was muted, thunder muffled. “Anyway, you want to know what I want on my headstone?”

“What?”

“’I can has cheezburger, plz?’”

What?”

“You know. Like lolcats. Except lol-dead-Janes.”

“Dead Janes are so not an lol-thing.”

“Na-o-mi,” she said, standing in front of the mirror and running a brush through her hair. “Just think of it. The cheeseburgers that people provide in honor of the dead will provide food for local wildlife, and—just think—a hundred, two hundred years from now, people will come to make rubbings of my grave and think that twenty-first-century Americans actually spoke like that. Basically, I’ll be fucking with the minds of generations to come.” I simply stared at her.

And in the way that usually accompanies cunning movie villains, lightning lit up the sky outside of the window, searing my eyeballs back into my brain. The lamp above our desk flickered and went out with a small pop.

She grinned. “Isn’t that brilliant?”

There in the dark, her skin shone beneath weak light and her eyes sparkled with whatever brightness that was going on behind them.

Between her talk of death and her Make Love, Not War sweatshirt, I found the most problematic problem in the history of problems.

I was in love with Jane.

Houston, we have a problem.
Last edited by Sam on Fri Apr 18, 2008 11:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin




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    I absolutely adore this. It's well-written, I'm intrigued by the charaters (plus, I really like their names), your use of language is colourful and wonderfully executed.

    I was particularly drawn to the alliteration 'nurtured necrophilia' for some reason. I liked how the few swears in there were used; they way they're included was quite casual and if I would have skimmed through it, I probably wouldn't have given them a second thought. And they're also used as a good characterization tool for Jane. It's good to see that, because a lot of people abuse language like that and it just doesn't work at all.

    Overall, I just really, really enjoyed this piece. It's intelligent but still imensely entertaining. You definitely have a way with words. I have nothing bad or constructive to add to this.

    __Christy
'I finished a manuscript and my editor said "great, now rewrite it" and I said, man, I'll just photo copy it,' __Mitch Hedberg




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christy wrote:
    I absolutely adore this. It's well-written, I'm intrigued by the charaters (plus, I really like their names), your use of language is colourful and wonderfully executed.

    I was particularly drawn to the alliteration 'nurtured necrophilia' for some reason. I liked how the few swears in there were used; they way they're included was quite casual and if I would have skimmed through it, I probably wouldn't have given them a second thought. And they're also used as a good characterization tool for Jane. It's good to see that, because a lot of people abuse language like that and it just doesn't work at all.

    Overall, I just really, really enjoyed this piece. It's intelligent but still imensely entertaining. You definitely have a way with words. I have nothing bad or constructive to add to this.

    __Christy


Same :D

Despite being somewhat uncomfortable with homosexuality, I really loved this. You're very gifted and I don't have anything to criticize. *aww*

PM me when you decide to post more of this :D
They tell me I'm a lazy lump of waste.

I'm just too humble to show them my genius :D

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I liked this, and I couldn't find anything to really criticise either; there's only one thing that spoils it for me, do you have to use the word 'homosexuality'? Can you find another way to word it?

I can never quite shake the feeling that it sounds like some sort of disease. :P
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. ~Flannery O'Connor




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Dont change the word homosexuality.

As usual with your work, i liked it a lot. I love the opening paragraph especially, its just so visual. Well im proving rather useless, so i'll leave the critiquing to someone better qualified (stories aren't my forte). Nice work though :D x
"Sometimes we see a cloud that's dragonish,
A vapour sometimes like a bear or lion,
A towered citadel, a pendant rock,
A forked mountain, or blue promontory,
With trees upon't that nod unto the world,And mock our eyes with air.."




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Hi Sam,

I absolutely love this. Your wording is colorful and you sent me to the dictionary a various amount of times to look things up, but I always found you were using entirely fitting words.

Your characters are fun and definetly quick-witted.

“You creeper.”

“Na-o-mi,” she said in the way she always did when I said something ignorant. “You’re the creeper. Rotting? Who does that?”

“Nomadic tribesmen who don’t have the resources for embalming?”

She sighed. “Touchè.”


I especially enjoyed this bit and I found your description of the scene when the lightnng comes in very delightful, since first you have your character compare it to a scene in a movie and Jane is copared to one of those cunning villains (Very fitting, since Naomi has a problem with being i love with her.) and then have her eyes sear back into her brain which reminds me more of a comic book.

I could point out some more places I very much enjoyed, but it would sum up to the whole thing I suspect. Wonderful piece, really.

My vote would also go to not changing the word homosexuality. Naomi seems to be a person to call a spade a spade eventhough she's having trouble with it.

Sorry, I don't have anything constructive to say.

All the best and happy writing,
~Kalliope
If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. - Lewis Carol (1832-98 )


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So, Hey, Je suis ici.

Your first paragraph had me thinking that your speaker was outside, yet she is on the bed? And I see, she wants to decompose like I do. ^_~

Angelic Disneyland Fast-Passes were only available to those who paid careful attention to the time bomb that was mortality.
I like this sentence. You have good diction, but, darling, your diction also feels over dramatic.

She sighed. “Touchè.”
Non, mais good try! C'est un accent aigu, comme ça: touché. ^_~ Un moment de français, n'est pas?

I like your characters. Ach! But I dare say, this piece is problematicly problematic. Er, listy?


1. CONFLICT

Sure, you start with "I have a problem" but it is like the run-suspense thing we talked about. If we don't know what the problem is, we don't care. Your characters are interesting, but they still aren't interesting enough for me to care. Not to mention, by the time I know them, it's over. I think your problem is what you're trying to write about. You're trying to capture a moment--it's a great moment in life--but it doesn't look so good on paper. Make it tense. Is she admitting her love, or coming to grips with it? Does she care if she loves a girl, does this cause her stress, or does she just go with the flow? Which leads me to the next complain...

2. VOICE

I think Sparrows put you on first person crack. Sparrows is beautiful. This? Not so much. It made me wince in places. I can't tell if you're trying too hard, or thinking too hard. I'm wondering if you're thinking, "They're women, I suck!" too much. If you think that, it's going to show in your writing. Write with confidence. And of course, some of it is beautiful, but it almost feels too full of poetic prose. Or maybe it's the lack of conflict, or tension, that then affects the voice?

Your character is blabbering. She's just doing stream of conciseness let me rant and talk about this girl then say that I love her and the end thoughts--what is your point, where are you going? More than anything: if you're going to write in first person, then do it! Get us in her head. I want to know her thoughts, her feelings. While you're at it, go for some sensory image, and some setting description beyond a window and a storm and a bed. Bring the whole thing to life.

And maybe it's just that this is too, currently, bare. I'm not sure.

Of course nothing by you is horrible. So don't think that. You're experimenting, hehe. I think it could be good. Why? You're a brilliant writer. Don't concentrate on the fact that you think you can't write women--attack it. Use this story to hunt it down and kill it, like I did to description for The Party Killers. You can CD with me or something, we'll kill the beast, won't we?

And, I feel a little bizarre, though I find it all inconsequential. Your characters resemble me (both of them) in more than a few ways, not to mention the slightly obvious-not-obvious? Haha. Use me to develop your characters, if you want!

C'est tout! Je t'aime. ^_~
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




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Might I say I think your writing style is ingenious and quite witty. I laughed quite a few times. I unfortunately, don't have anything constructive to say other than I really liked this how it is and I really think you could have great success if you continue it a bit more. It was a little short for my taste, but it was nice! Keep writing! ;)

~Yoyo 8)
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Hey! Sorry it took me so long, but thanks for the critiques, guys. ^_^ I'm going to try and get the next part of this up sometime in the near future.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin



If I'm going to burn, it might as well be bright.
— Frank Zhang