And It's Quite Lovely

Staring at my cell phone, watching the minutes change slowly. They're dripping all over my hand, as slow as molasses. I take each minute, as it drips down, and put it in a bottle. All the minutes add up, but the single drops cling to my heart, and it feels as if each second stabs me. I can't decide if today is a good day or a bad day. Doubts fill my mind, and I don't know what to do with them all.

I decide to lump them together, and make a small clay structure. I'm not particularly talented in such things, such things being visual arts, but I decide to anyways. I take the major doubts and heartaches and use it as my foundation, they always hold firm.

They're strong doubts and heartaches I've had forever. There's the typical "I'm not pretty enough" thing, the "I'm losing faith in humanity" thing, the "love really doesn't exist" thing, and the "I'm only good for one thing, I'm such a whore" thing. I pat it into a rectangular prism, and it's quite lovely. I then take the lesser concerns, such as school, home, and trying to get by without killing anyone. With these I make the feet and legs, and it's quite lovely.

I take the secrets I've kept forever, the ones I hide. The fact I'm not really the sunny persona I'm viewed as, the fact that I do miss my dad, the hidden desire to run away and become screwed up. I mash them together and make the body, and it's quite lovely.

I pick up the fibres of lies I've told over the years, and weave them together. Reasons why I didn't do my homework, lies of how I've felt about people, and if I really was okay. I was never okay, and I'm still not. This makes yards of cloth, and it's quite lovely.

I decide to work on the corpse again. I take all the lies other people have told me, about how it'll all be better in the morning, how they really do care about me, how they don't want it to happen again, about everything being my fault. I roll them out, and make the arms and hands, and it's quite lovely.

I take all my anger and try to mold it, but it's too hard. I take the tears that I've cried, but never admitted to, and moisten it. It's easy to work with now, and I roll it egg-shaped. It's so perfect it hurts, it's the head, and it's quite lovely.

I take the soft hairs of change, and sew them to the head. The change hangs down its back. It's black and wavy, and it's quite lovely.

I take all the delusions I've shown or seen, and use it to weave the cloth into a dress. It's shiny and looks beautiful, but it's coarse and ugly. It's the delusions I played myself into believing, that I really didn't care if that's all he wanted. It's the countless delusions members of the male species have played for me, always calling me sexy, not smart. I have enough left to make ribbon to weave through the change, the hair. I drape the dress around the curves of the corpse, and weave the ribbon through it's hair, and it's quite lovely.

I take the only thing that's left, all the good feelings; hope, love, friendship, wonder, beauty, appreciation, and I mix them all together. I hang them across wires, and put it on the corpse's back. They're angel wings, they're sheer, and they're quite lovely.

I step back and admire the angel that stands before me. She's no longer an it, she's real to me. She's beautiful, and terrible. She's hopeful, and yet sorrowful. She has no eyes to see the world, and no mouth to speak of its evils. She's trapped on a pedestal of doubts, and it's quite lovely.

I feel bad for her though, so I go to comfort her. She doesn't know I'm there though, she feels my touch, but can't see me, can't move. It's such a shame that such a lovely thing is stuck here. I breathe my breath on her, and she spreads her wings. She can move, she can express her gratitude, and it's quite lovely.

But she can't move, she's stuck here for all eternity, and I feel really bad for her. So I loosen her feet and she is free. She jumps off and flies away. Her beauty against the stormy sky is horrible, terrifying, and it's quite lovely. She's soon gone, and the rain begins to fall.

It's cold so I decide to sit on the pedestal that was left there. Suddenly I can't move. Oh dear, what am I to do? What happened to all the heartache the angel took? My questions are answered immediately. The materials holding the angel together falls apart in the rain, mixes and makes a tie-dye mess. It soaks me and I try to move, but I can't. I discover that the molasses of time has spilt and cemented me to the pedestal. I'm a mess, and it's quite lovely.

I'm just like the angel, not as beautiful or terrifying, but I have more burdens. I have eyes, I can see the world. I have a mouth, I can speak of its evil. But if I can speak, why can't anyone hear me? If someone's out there, please help me! Free me from this prison I have entrapped myself in!

But no one ever helps, and no one ever comes, and it's quite lovely.

for the bump, not meaning to, but if you could, I would love some harsh critique, and maybe one positive thing about it? I'd really appreciate it! Thanks

Marie: Just leave me a request in my 'Want a Critique?' thread (link in my siggy.) I don't have time now, but I do give VERY detailed reviews. I just won't remember to do this one unless you remind me there. ;P

~JFW1415

The whole piece is quite lovely

I really like the transformation that took place, with the girl becoming the mute angel. Lovely idea.

I don't really have much to say by way of criticisms. I don't really think that the word "lovely" was overused since that's pretty much the point of your title. Though it does get tiring after you read it for the tenth time, again and again.

But I loved it. I hope to read a lot more from you

I can honestly say I started to cry at the last line. No more critique needed.

Mrow! *huggles* That was wonderful. I absolutely love how the narrator replacing the angel was written. The whole thing was quite emotional.

Grammar Nit Picks:

cmarie159 wrote:The fact I'm not really the sunny persona I'm viewed as, the fact that I do miss my dad, and the hidden desire to run away and become screwed up.

cmarie159 wrote:I have enough left to make a ribbon to weave through the change, the hair.

cmarie159 wrote:The materials holding the angel together falls apart in the rain, mixes and makes a tie-dye mess.

Either make "materials" singular, or "falls" singular.

I think that's all I can say about this. It's quite wonderful.

Hey there Marie! Welcome to YWS.

You have some good stuff here. I especially enjoyed the imagery and the use of symbolism to explain something bigger and more consequential than a clay figurine. The first paragraph was pure brilliance as well as the next few paragraphs following it. The middle was good. But then things started to go down hill. By your last five or six paragraphs, this piece was floundering.

Why?

Allow me to explain.

This concept, this idea, is not especially unique. It's entertaining and it could easily be an extremely emotional piece of literature for a reader, but as it stands now, as you've written it, it's kind of heavy. Kind of fatty. I mean, by the half-way point of the story, I've got the gist of the idea you've given us. This clay angel represents you and your struggles and it's quite lovely. Okay. From then on, you're just repeating yourself. Maybe not in the same words, but eventually I find my eyes wandering off of the screen. You keep building and building and building and doesn't seem like you're ever going to stop. This concept is (should be) a short one. Consider cutting some extraneous detail, however important to the story you think it is.

Also, though I know that the whole story orbits around the phrase "and it's quite lovely", the repetition gets really old after a while. By the six or seventh time reading that phrase, I want to strangle it. Repetition has it's place, it can be useful and exquiste, but there's a fine line between art and the self-absorbed babblings of a would-be artist. This is your art. Don't wear it out with needless repetition. So consider using that particular phrase only three or four times in the entire story, at strategic points that you think would be most aesthetically pleasing to the reader.

All the minutes add up, but the single drops cling to my heart, and it feels as if each second stabs me.

Before this, you described time as something liquid and malleable. But here, you give it hard and solid characteristics. Think about remaining consistent with your comparisons.

such things being visual arts

Cut this line. Tis unneccesary.

It's the countless delusions members of the male species have played for me

This sentence is kind of awkward and difficult to understand with the wording you've given it. Consider, "It's the delusion men have given me, always calling me sexy, not smart" There. You see that? It's neat, it's trimmed, it's succinct and too the point. None of this verbosity stuff please, darling.

Oh dear, what am I to do?

I shuddered here. I know you're trying to insert some internal dialogue here, but it really falls flat. Something about it sounds disingenuous to my ear. Think about changing it to, "what am I going to do?".

I'm just like the angel, not as beautiful or terrifying, but I have more burdens. I have eyes, I can see the world. I have a mouth, I can speak of its evil. But if I can speak, why can't anyone hear me? If someone's out there, please help me! Free me from this prison I have entrapped myself in!

Here it is. The paragraph that nearly ruined this piece. It screams teenage angst, it bleeds melodrama, and it cries cliches (ooh, I like that ). Before this paragraph things were okay, if not great. I think what I don't like about this passage is that it destroys all the neat subtleties that you've set up. You underestimate your reader here. You go from pleasantly obscure to blatantly obvious. If you want my opinion, cut this. Quick. Or at least rewrite it completely.

Anyway, you've got some good stuff here. You're definately a promising writer. A good addition to the ranks of the YWSers. I look forward to reading more genius from you soon.

-Kylan

I'm back! Please don't kill me if I repeat people.

The numbers next to the highlighted parts correspond with the 'highlighted comments' below.





Highlighted Comments

1. This could be all right, but you don’t do this anywhere else.
2. ‘Thing’ bothers me. Maybe ‘one?’
3. A little wordy. Maybe ditch some of the things? It’s a long list, and some are obvious.
4. I’d ditch this. I know you’re trying to repeat this, but not too often, okay?
5. Either ditch the comma or put ‘and I weave…’
6. You just said ‘lies.’ Maybe ‘false assurances that I like someone,’ or something like that?
7. I know what you mean, but it doesn’t work too well. I’d actually start a new sentence here: ‘That I really was okay.’
8. Combine with the previous sentence or ditch.
9. Hmm…different…?
10. Use repetition to your advantage!
11. Again with ditching the comma or adding ‘I.’ Oh, actually, reading the rest of your sentence, this should read: ‘I roll them out, make the arms and hands, and it’s quite lovely.
12. Expand a bit, and let this be its own paragraph. It’s too strong an emotion to only have this little bit.
13. I forgot what the cloth was – maybe add a reminder? Like: ‘the lie-filled cloth,’ or something like that?
14. This sounded odd at first. I’d say ‘the hair, the change.’
15. Just something I tried…maybe you’ll like it a bit better?
16. Expand a bit?
17. I’d make this its own sentence.
18. Again, in this piece, repetition is your friend.
19. I think ‘ignorance’ would work better…
20. Too much repetition.
21. I’d ditch this. It’s too childish compared to the rest of the piece.
22. I’d ditch this, and expand the ‘feel bad’ emotion.
23. All start with pronouns. Also, did you rush here? Slow down and expand on this.
24. I’d ditch all of this. Completely different than your other voice.
25. Vary you sentence structure.
26. Why is it?
27. Show this through emotion. You keep getting into different voices.
28. Suggestion.
29. I’d make this its own paragraph, and ditch ‘and.’

Overall Comments

Overall, yes, it’s quite lovely. However, it fell apart at the end.

When the angel flew off, you continually switched voices. You need to keep the poetic voice, the details, etc.

Also, the beginning lacks emotion, but I fell that’s okay. You do need to give her more emotion when the angel leaves, though.

This piece needs more of a point to it. Is she escaping something, then realizes that she wishes she didn't? Consider what the point is, and slip it in.

Finally, the ‘it’s quite lovely.’ You repeated this way too often. Read through it, pick some spots, and put it in. You don’t need it after every line. (PM me if you’d like me to help you chose spots!)

You have a nice little piece on your hands here.

PM me with any questions, if you’d like to talk, or if you’d like something else critiqued. (Honestly; I want more stars!)

Good luck, and happy editing!

Oh, title suggestion: ditch the 'and.'

~JFW1415

thanks for all the critique! I really appreciate it. I'm sorry if my spelling is sometimes a little different, my Firefox spell check is in English, not English-American, so things such as "fibres" or "colours" will be spelt a little funny.

I realize a lot of my pieces have a lot of "edit" work to them, because I do write and not concentrate on the details until later. It's a fatal faux pas, I know, but I like to keep the emotion I'm feeling at that moment.

I do think I used "and it's quite lovely" way too much, and I do admit this piece is a little angsty for my taste (yes, I'm saying I don't like this very much, even though I wrote it).

The point of this piece in my opinion (I say in my opinion because what really irks me is that people insist on finding one meaning in something when there could be 20, it all depends how you apply it to your life) that the narrator keeps trying to run away from their problems, trying everything to let go, and it just keeps coming back. It weighs them down, and even though people try to help, they just never penetrate the narrator.

thanks so much AGAIN =]
especially to those who sat down and nit-picked my work. I don't know where you get the patience from, since my work isn't the best.

Love, Peace, All That Jazz
-Chanelmarie x]

Okay, I must say that this piece was very good. How the angel formed was written very well and I loved how this girl put all her parts into this creature.

At the very end, that was a little sketchy. You might need to describe that more. Just a few added sentences might make it easier for the transition and to help the reader understand.

Otherwise, you did well with this.

I love that you have the "quite lovely" at the end of every paragraph, love the whole peice. It's powerful and deep and interesting. You can relate sooo much to the character, feel her pain. This is majestic!

Crit= The one of the last lines you say,

"I have entrapped myself in!"

Trapped would sound better.
Thanks for a great read!