Young Writers Society

She wakes,
She wipes the lingering sleep from her eyes;
She approaches the dreary day ahead

The sun shines brightly,
scorching her eyes,
her feet slide in the mud,
a crow, perched on a branch
caws a familliar tune

The day passes slowly
she longs
to enter
the realm of dreams,
once again

I don't think you should separate:
She longs
to enter
It would sound better and less chopy if you connect them.
Also saying 'She' 3 times in a row is bad. You could just put:
She wakes,
wiping the lingering sleep from her eyes.
She approaches the dreary day ahead.
Other than that I liked it alot. It has alot of emotion.
Keep writing.

~Rachael

I agree with VG, other than that nice job ^_^

This is a short and powerful piece.

I also agree with VG (very good suggestions).

This poem is very emotional and rings true to what I think some people in this world would feel.

I also like the potential of the crow signifying the potential death in the world, whilst in a dream you can never die.

I like it (:
The concept is good, and its a sweet yet powerful peice.
It just needs refined and expanded a little (I don't mean add tonnes of stanzas, just hone it a little).

The one bit I didn't like:

scorching her eyes

This is a really nice poem, and this word didn't fit:/
I would try to describe her reaction to the sun in her eyes, you know like she snaps her eyes shut(that's a rubbish example I know but yeah).

And yeah the splitting up of 'she longs' and 'to enter' isn't really nessecary.

I liked it a lot though (:

Nice, I really like it. Keep writing!

Cool poem. Keep writing!

Firstly Katsuro the start is far too repeative. All 'she-she-she' It okay to start with it. But continueing with it stagnates the flow. Plus the start doesn't really hook me in.

.katsuro. wrote:She wakes,
She wipes the lingering sleep from her eyes;
She approaches the dreary day ahead

Really the next verse changes the theme, we're now on to her standing looking at the sun 'scorching her eyes' and sliding into the mud. You bring the wrong connatation it doesn't make sense from the beginning.

You had such potential with this idea but it's wasted and theme overall lost. It also not strong enough with the unlinking stanzas and wrong word choice. You're poem just doesn't relate to the stanzas. They're like parts of three poems. Another thing, I've a problem with is your puntuaction it's non-existent in some places. You need to proof read this before posting

Overall: You had a good title whihc tempted me but once reading all my enthuasism was gone. You waste such a wonderful title. With unrelatable stanzas and bad word choice. There a lot of bad things about this poem. Though it may hurt I suggest starting again from scratch.

Good luck
VSN