To Mercury

So, in English class we had to do a booklet featuring six poems we found online, or something, analyze them and that sort of thing. As an experiment, I decided to write a poem, credit the author as my penname, (Brenda Moore) and post where I found it as YWS. I think it will be interesting to see the mark my analysis of the poem gets. >.<

So, here's the poem. Critique away! It's freeverse, so any rhyming was completely unintentional. Also, the first and the last line are not credited to me: The first is credited to Freddie himself, the last to...Brian May, who wrote the lyrics to the Queen song, The Show Must Go On

To Mercury
Bring Ballet to the Masses
Was His Plan
Prancing Around,
Meeting his fans
His rhapsodies of the ages
Changed the Times
From the 70s to the 90s…
…but an age of lies.
Stricken down by a beast
Mr. Mercury hid
A secret from the world
His body quit
Slowly but surely
He was being torn apart
A battle inside
His talented heart
Until two days before
His battle, he lost
He told the world
Before they lay him down
A fighter, a survivor
The show must go on.

I thought the poem was wonderful until about L12. Then the idea of Mercury dying didn't dip further than the surface, and I was slightly bored, to tell you the truth. The beginning is lovely, especially the idea of an age of lies. Expand? I would keep the first eleven lines, and then describing his decaying, describe his disease/torment. Use words provoking emotions that run deep, pain? anger? resentment? Try it.

I noticed that the beginning had alot of capitalization...a mistake or are you trying to bring attention to these words? If the latter, then don't stop. Stopping fades out the end.

I hope you get a good mark on this!

-Medusa.

wowza
thats a great poem.
jeez i must say i cant think of anything bad to say.
Maybe just at some parts i wasn't sure what was going on but then i figured it out by the end.
good work. and good job.
keep it up.