Burnt Remnants

I just thought about writing a poem for fun. Harsh criticisms are welcome

I dream of a world
Where every thing's dead
Where the heart does not beat
And where no creature breathes
My perfect world
Is the world of night
With every thing bathed in shadow
A world where I stand alone
Where feelings cease to exist
No such thing as love
Or pain
Where thoughts of you haunt me no more
Where there is nothing
A world where you don't exist
Where nothing that reminds me of you exists
Where there is nothing but ashes
Your ashes
The burnt remnants of my heart

lone-flower wrote:I dream of a world
Where every thing's dead
[s]Where [/s]the heart does not beat
And [s]where [/s]no creature breathes
My perfect [s]world[/s]
Is the [s]world [/s][s]of[/s] night
With every thing bathed in shadow
[s]A world where [/s]I stand alone
[s]Where [/s]feelings cease to exist
No such thing as love
Or pain
[s]Where [/s]thoughts of you haunt me no more
[s]Where [/s]there is nothing
[s]A world where [/s]you don't exist
[s]Where [/s][s]nothing [/s]that reminds me of you [s]exists[/s]
[s]Where [/s]there is [s]nothing [/s]but ashes
Your ashes
The burnt remnants of my heart

1) In poetry, there is the innate ability to recreate expressions in different manners. You can say the same thing a million different ways, so don't say it the same way. Avoid repeated words. A world can be a sphere or plane, a land or kingdom, an island of the mind.

2) Try stepping outside the box. Try to avoid cliches, like burning hearts, haunting thoughts, and bathed in shadow. Try smoldering torched hearts, try thoughts that spin a million knives into oblivion, and try a night choked in undisturbed silence. Use imaginative forces.

I hope I didn't come off as too harsh, you did ask for a harsh critique :]
-Medusa.

Nice poem but still needs a bit of work, your definitions in my opinion are to standerd. In other words basically what medusa said.

I particularly liked this bit

Where there is nothing but ashes
Your ashes
The burnt remnants of my heart

The way youve implied the whole meaning of the poem was very nice.

My perfect world
Is the world of night

Why is death always equated with night? I see the connection between death and darkness, and darkness with night, but death to night seems to be a stretch. And why must it be dark for the narrator to stand alone?

Where feelings cease to exist
No such thing as love
Or pain

This is a solid place to start, but the explicit naming of solely love and pain is so overused that it doesn't mean much. I think the second and third lines quoted above could be reworded to be stronger.

Where thoughts of you haunt me no more
Where there is nothing
A world where you don't exist

The "where there is nothing" doesn't make sense in context because the narrator exists and the burning ashes exist, and even if something is dead, it is still tangibly existing. I think this line could be cut altogether.

Where nothing that reminds me of you exists

This is beginning to sound whiny and should be redirected.

Where there is nothing but ashes
Your ashes
The burnt remnants of my heart

This is a nice image. Try to use such strong imagery throughout the rest of your poem as well.