Truly, Madly, Deeply

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Ok, tell me what you guys think and what I need to work on (which I know is a lot). I have written anything in awhile so here it is...

“We can’t do this guys!” I hurried after my friends as they made their way past the mailbox that stood perpendicular with the highway. Counting off the ways we could get in trouble in my head I tried to recall the events that brought led us to sneaking up Alexis Conley’s driveway.

It had started when Alexis had spilt the spaghetti pie down my best friend Ayleen’s shirt. No one, I mean no one challenged Ayleen. She’s the perfect girl, the one everyone else is jealous of, and the one all parents want their precious little girls to be. And when you get on her bad side…the perfect enemy. After that little “accident” Ayleen has taken it upon herself to make Alexis’ life a living hell.

“God Maddy do you have to be such a worry wart?” Glaring at Ayleen I set my backpack down and pulled out the 5 rolls of toilet paper I had stuffed in it earlier that afternoon.

“Well I’m just saying that if we get caught we are dead! That’s the end of us, boom we’re done for!”

“Maddy calm, breath in, breathe out. Count to 100, whatever just be quiet!” Sighing another one of my best friends Sandra sighed and looked at Ayleen. “Do we always have to bring her along?”

Ayleen laughs, “Of course what would we do without our precious little worry wart?”
I know they are joking, and I can’t help but laugh along with them. But come on; was I the only one with brains in our little “clique”? I mutter under my breath and hand out the rolls, two for Ayleen and Sandra and I settle for just one.

“Are you guys ready for this?” Ayleen looks back and forth between Sandra and I.

“I’m all over it.”

“Yeah…I’m ready.” We made our way up close to the house. I have to admit it is perfect for tping, not that I would know or anything though. “I have to tell you guys that I umm, really have, umm never done this before.”

“Don’t worry Mad, it’s easy.” Ayleen demonstrates by pulling the first piece off, and gracefully throwing it into the highest tree.

“Wow, your pretty good at that girl. You sure you haven’t had some practice?” Both Sandra and I stare at her.

“Well you guys remember the time Principal Sletters house got it?”

“You didn’t!” Sandra and I gasp simultaneously

“What can I say he made me mad.” We all burst into quiet spurts of giggling. “Ok back to business,” She says after we all have caught our breath.

“You can do this Maddy, you can do this. All you have to do is throw and throw and throw some more.” I whisper to myself under my breath. The thing was that I never was that great at throwing…or catching…or anything that involved sports.

“Did you say something?” They both look at me.

“No” I reassure them. Slowly I take a deep breath and then I just throw the roll. It soars high into the air and lands right on top of the tree, the roll falling from branch to branch until it slams into the ground. I look over at Ayleen and Sandra and they both give me a thumbs up. Ok…so it’s not as bad as I thought it was. Kind of exhilarating in a way.

That’s when the light flips on. I stare at it as if it’s just my mind playing tricks on me. Then I hear my friends running towards me, their eyes telling me all I need to hear. RUN!! I turn grab my backpack and try to keep up with my friends. When I said I was bad at sports that was including running. Behind us I can hear voices coming from the house,

“Is anyone out there? You better leave now, I’m not afraid to call the cops.” The words started getting jumbled as we got farther and farther away, the night swallowing us up. We ran down the highway until we were out of breath and had to stop before we fainted with exhaustion. Then we started laughing, and we couldn’t stop. In the end we were clutching our sides because it hurt so bad.

“So was it all that you guys expected?” We started at Ayleen, and started laughing all over again.

“I have to admit it was a lot better than I thought it would be.” I finally gasped out.

“Yeah I have to agree.” Sandra nodded her head.

“I was so impressed at your mad tping skills Maddy. Who would have thought, we are turning the good girl bad, Sandra.”

I laughed and looked at the two of them. Ayleen with her long, straight, blonde hair messed up and full of tangles, but still she was beautiful. And Sandra with her shoulder length, sandy-brown hair and aqua blue eyes. They were both beautiful and I had to admit that I was a little jealous of their appearance. Most guys when standing next to the two of them overlooked my red hair and green eyes.

“Ok lets go back to the car.” We all agree and head towards the car, which we parked on a nearby gravel road. That’s when I heard it, the unmistakable sound of tires on pavement. I squeal and stare at my friends, paralyzed with fear. Here we are walking down the middle of a highway, in the dead of the night. We look like hookers, or like we just finished murdering someone and dropped off the body. Neither idea was too appealing.

“Wh-what do we do?” I ask them, and I know their faces are mirror images of mine; mouths open, and eyes wide with fear.

“Well he’s already seen us.” We stare at the headlight coming towards us and I shield my eyes from the blinding light.

“Well it’s a motorcycle.” I say because I’m at a complete loss for other words.

“Good one captain obvious.” Sandra glares at me.

“Stop you two! We can do this, just follow my lead.” I am more than happy to obey. Ayleen is more than capable of handling this situation

“I just hope he’s not some kind of ax-murder.” We look at each other, terror reflecting in our easy as the motorcycle man pulls over beside us.
Last edited by hopey2010 on Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Do you ever just want to run away, just to see who comes after you?




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Whew, space your paragraphs out please! After you do that I will come back and review it, but the big chunk of text is overwhelming. :shock: :D
Sgt: Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.
Palin: What if he's got a bunch?




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keirab wrote:Whew, space your paragraphs out please! After you do that I will come back and review it, but the big chunk of text is overwhelming. :shock: :D


*raises right hand up* I second the motion.
They tell me I'm a lazy lump of waste.

I'm just too humble to show them my genius :D

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Haha sorry guys
Do you ever just want to run away, just to see who comes after you?




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I just couldn't finish this story. I'm sorry, but this just has too many errors. I'll name some of a few (they're the italicized ones):

Counting off the ways we could get in trouble in my head I tried to recall the events that brought led us to sneaking up Alexis Conley’s driveway


Redundancy.

“God Maddy do you have to be such a worry wart?” Glaring at Ayleen I set my backpack down and pulled out the 5 rolls of toilet paper I had stuffed in it earlier that afternoon.


When a figure is less than ten, you write it in word form.

Then, since you were referring to the backpack, you should have said there, not it.

“Well I’m just saying that if we get caught we are dead! That’s the end of us, boom we’re done for!”


This should be, Well, I'm just saying that if we get caught, we're dead! That's the end of us. Boom! We're done for."

And that's all I got to read. I'm really sorry. :(
They tell me I'm a lazy lump of waste.

I'm just too humble to show them my genius :D

Want a review? PM me!




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I did like the story but i thought it was very long to read

I would shorten it down a little maybe put it in chapters with cliffhangers at each end so the reader isn't bored with it

I am not saying the story is dull just that when you are reading all of it at once it becomes a bit of a chore, if you get what i mean




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There were errors in the story although i don't think there that hard to fix. And the story over all was great i liked it.
" How silver sweet sound lovers tongues by night like softest music to attending ears!!" - shakesspear, romoe and juliet, line 167.




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I hurried after my friends as they made their way past the mailbox that stood perpendicular with the highway.

This sounds like a run-on sentence to me. The mailbox standing next to the freeway seems irrelevant, even though the highway comes in later. Find a way to make this a little more direct, and less run-on.

Counting off the ways we could get in trouble in my head I tried to recall the events that brought led us to sneaking up Alexis Conley’s driveway.

Again, this seemed run-on. Try changing it to something more like:
In my head I counted off the ways we could get in trouble, and tried to recall the events that had led up to this.
Or something similar to that.

It had started when Alexis had spilt the spaghetti pie down my best friend Ayleen’s shirt.

By itself, using the word 'had' in front of any past tense word, will sound bad, but having two, makes it much worse. In the future, whenever you want to use the word had, and you're writing in past tense- don't.

She’s the perfect girl, the one everyone else is jealous of, and the one all parents want their precious little girls to be. And when you get on her bad side…the perfect enemy.

You changed tense, starting here. It gets a little shaky. You go back and forth between past and present, and it creates an air of inconsistancy, and just doesn't sound good.

“God, Maddy do you have to be such a worry wart?”

I added a comma

5 rolls of toilet paper I had stuffed in it earlier that afternoon.

Spell out the word five.

“Maddy calm, breath in, breathe out. Count to 100, whatever just be quiet!”

This seems weird. Try changing it to something like:
[i]Maddy, calm down. Breathe in, breathe out. Count to 100..."

Sighing another one of my best friends Sandra sighed and looked at Ayleen.

This makes not sense. Revise.

Ayleen looks back and forth between Sandra and I.

Sandra and me, in this case.

“I have to tell you guys that I umm, really have, umm never done this before.”

Take out the um's please, it doesn't sound right as is.

“No,” I reassure them.

Added a comma.

RUN!!

Italics, not caps, and only one exclamation point please.

Behind us I can hear voices coming from the house,

End this with a period.

“I have to admit it was a lot better than I thought it would be.” I finally gasped out.

End the dialogue with a comma, not a period.

And Sandra with her shoulder length, sandy-brown hair and aqua blue eyes.

Combine this with the previous sentence, or take out the 'and'.

Most guys when standing next to the two of them overlooked my red hair and green eyes.

This is worded wierd. Revise.
_____________________________
Sorry, I'm not going into details right now, I'm crushed for time, and the bell is about to ring. I'll come back and finish the critique later on tonight.

-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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Your story has great substance and detail, but there were just a few minute details that could help people on here not nag so much, (I'm not gonna nag much because I'm new here LOL). In any sentence with numbers in them, spell the number out (a.e. 100 to one-hundred). It's more writer-like. Oh secondly, "tping" is T'Ping. . .I think. Just a few things i noticed. Awesome story! I can't wait to see what you come up with next! Drop me a line when you do.

-ZackG




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I'm really sorry guys that there are so many mistakes. I revised it and hopefully it's better.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

“We can’t do this guys!” I hurried after my friends as they made their way up the long driveway. In my head I counted off the ways we could get in trouble, and tried to recall the events that that had led us to this. Alexis Conley, there were many words that could describe her, none of which were too friendly.

It started the day Alexis spilt spaghetti pie down my best friend Ayleen’s shirt. After that everything went downhill. Ayleen made desperate attempts to ruin Alexis’ life, and vice versa.

“God, Maddy do you have to be such a worry wart?” Glaring at Ayleen I set my backpack down and pulled out the five rolls of toilet paper I had stuffed there earlier that afternoon.

“Well, I’m just saying that if we get caught we are dead! That’s the end of us. Boom We’re done for!”

“Maddy, calm down! Breath in, breathe out. Count to one-hundred, whatever just be quiet!” Sighing another one of my best friends Sandra glanced sideways at Ayleen. “Do we always have to bring her along?”
Ayleen laughs, “Of course, what would we do without our precious little worry wart?”

I know they are joking, and I can’t help but laugh along with them. But come on; was I the only one with brains in our little “clique”? I mutter under my breath and hand out the rolls, two for Ayleen and Sandra and I settle for just one.

“Are you guys ready for this?” Ayleen looks back and forth between Sandra and me.

“I’m all over it.”

“Yeah…I’m ready.” We made our way up close to the house. I have to admit it is perfect for T’Ping, not that I would know or anything though. “I have to tell you guys that I really have never done this before.”

“Don’t worry Mad, it’s easy.” Ayleen demonstrates by pulling the first piece off, and gracefully throws it into the highest tree.

“Wow, your pretty good at that. You sure you haven’t had some practice?” Both Sandra and I stare at her.

“Well you guys remember the time Principal Sletters house got it?”

“You didn’t!” Sandra and I gasp simultaneously

“What can I say he made me mad.” We all burst into quiet spurts of giggling. “Ok back to business,” She says after we all have caught our breath.

“You can do this Maddy, you can do this. All you have to do is throw and throw and throw some more.” I whisper to myself under my breath. The thing was that I never was that great at throwing…or catching…or anything that involved sports.

“Did you say something?” They both look at me.

“No,” I reassure them. Slowly I take a deep breath and then I just throw the roll. It soars high into the air and lands right on top of the tree, the roll falling from branch to branch until it slams into the ground. I look over at Ayleen and Sandra and they both give me a thumbs up. Ok…so it’s not as bad as I thought it was. Kind of exhilarating in a way.

That’s when the light flips on. I stare at it as if it’s just my mind playing tricks on me. Then I hear my friends running towards me, their eyes telling me all I need to hear.

RUN! I turn grab my backpack and try to keep up with my friends. When I said I was bad at sports that was including running. Behind us I can hear voices coming from the house.

“Is anyone out there? You better leave now, I’m not afraid to call the cops!” The words started getting jumbled as we got farther and farther away, the night swallowing us up.

We ran down the highway until we were out of breath and had to stop before
we fainted with exhaustion. Then we started laughing, and we couldn’t stop. In the end we were clutching our sides because it hurt so bad.

“So was it all that you guys expected?” We started at Ayleen, and started laughing all over again.

“I have to admit it was a lot better than I thought it would be,” I finally gasped out.

“Yeah, I have to agree.” Sandra nodded her head.

“I was so impressed at your mad T’Ping skills Maddy. Who would have thought. We are turning the good girl into a bad one, Sandra.” I laughed and looked at the two of them. Ayleen had long, straight, blonde hair, and aqua blue eyes. Sandra was exactly the opposite, with her shoulder length, curly, sandy-brown hair and hazel eyes. They were both beautiful and I had to admit that I was a little jealous of their appearance. Usually, I was the last one noticed, with my bright red hair, and emerald green eyes.

“Ok lets go back to the car.” We all turn and start towards the car, which we parked on a nearby gravel road. That’s when I heard it, the unmistakable sound of tires on pavement. I squeal and stare at my friends, paralyzed with fear. Here we are walking down the middle of a highway, in the dead of the night. We look like hookers, or like we just finished murdering someone and dropped off the body. Neither idea was too appealing.

“Wh-what do we do?” I ask them, and I know their faces are mirror images of mine; mouths open, and eyes wide with fear.

“Well he’s already seen us.” We stare at the headlight coming towards us and I shield my eyes from the blinding light.

“Well it’s a motorcycle,” I say because I’m at a complete loss for any other words.

“Good one captain obvious” Sandra glares at me.

“Stop you two! We can do this, just follow my lead.” I am more than happy to obey. Ayleen is more than capable of handling this situation

“I just hope he’s not some kind of ax-murder.” We look at each other, terror reflecting in our easy as the motorcycle man pulls over beside us.
Do you ever just want to run away, just to see who comes after you?



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