Young Writers Society

this is good! its interesting and mysterious
who is the killer? why is he killing people? are the victims connected in any way?
why is it eleven days? why not 13 (unlucky for some) or 7 ( a supposedly magic number)?

i like where this is going, and i'm intrigued to where it does go.

But you're showing rather than telling. It's all very story-like and not 'in the moment' as it could be to make it that more interesting.
Mainly i think you have to work on the dialogue. A lot of the discovery of body is the detective to himself - police officers usually voice their opinions so all around them get it too, and they'd never usually come to conclusions before the coroner has looked at the body. First impressions are deceitful and to be a proper police crime scene his inner thoughts should become dialogue and he should interact more with the characters around him.

Not bad though!
I like it and cannot wait for ch.1

Honestly it sounds like the movie, "One Missed Call" where a ghost sends messages out to people, telling them that they only have a little time until they die. The concept is good, and I can see that you probably will be able to add suspense to the story easily. What just is making me wonder a little bit is whether this killer is human or not. If it's human, then that human is a genious and you could add highly-designed death traps like in Saw, but more murderous. Think about it, but that is my criticism.

omg omg omg i love this story...

Most of my editing, what there is, is in the document below.

Firstly: With text messages you can put numbers, rather than ONE. I have never seen ONE displayed when it comes to new text messages!

You got me hooked.. I really want to read more Worth the hard work <3

Hello, Roon here, at your request! I may not get all 7 chapters reviewed today lol! I have a free day tomorrow though, so I will get it done!

The bit before chapter one:

more than a stupid little text forward.

I would just say stupid little text. The forward is obsolete.

The questions ran through her head at a thousand miles an hour as a black figure drew up behind her.

I would add a comma after hour.

Apart from that, it was incredible! Seriously, I was hooked from the first sentence! Wow! You have a real skill here. One thing I would suggest is giving her a name, it will make the reader feel more connected, at the moment she is just a nameless victim. Also, could you think of a more sinister text? I know it threatens to kill her and everything, but it’s not… catchy. Something that sort of rolls of your tongue, making the villain seem more eloquent and mysterious.

Chapter one:

The officer at the tape let him through, and he made his way around the crowd of officers and forensics experts taking pictures and collecting evidence to the body, which now lay draped with a white cloth.

The punctuation isn’t ideal here.

No evidence on the body, no evidence around the area that we know of yet.

I would say we’ve found no evidence on the body, or in the area, as of yet. The ‘that we know of yet’ doesn’t work for me, I don’t know why.

On August 25, at 7:00 PM, the countdown began with a sniper bullet whizzing past his ear and into the skull of one of the officers.

I would add a comma after ear.

This chapter is equally as gripping as the first! Though I think you could describe the surroundings more. We need a sense of where we’re supposed to be.

There is next to no character development here, as of yet. The pace is good, and the mood is fantastic. When I read the bit about the message, it was so chilling! Well done, nice effect.

Your account, at the moment, is very factual. It wouldn’t hurt to add a little more emotion in. your characters don’t seem to have a personality at all. I think this needs to be worked on, as if we don’t care about your character, soon we will lose interest. However, this truly is fantastic.

There wasn’t much nitpicking to be done. Probably because it has already been extensively reviewed. However, I think that you should go back to this chapter when you’ve written the end of it, as your writing will have developed, and you will have a better idea of your character as a person, which will mean there may be things you want to change, don’t forget how important the beginning is.

Thank you for posting in my thread, I will get on to the next piece now!

~ Roon

Thanks for the crits!

Bumping because:
1.) I just finished the rough draft, so I'm boosting interest in it again, and
2.) This is a new, edited version of Chapter One. If you critted before, check it out again. If not, then here is an improved version.