palestinian child

he holds the stone.
the wieght of his pain,
that none can explain.
the surface of his loss,
thate we'll soon come across,
that mass of his confusion,
the element of his strife,
and in conlcusion,
sailing away like his life.

HE who watches shall soon let us see,
that neglecting to help is the true cruelty.

the lines starting with "Rubble..." and "And sleep..." don't seem to really fit well with the rest of piece. Think about playing around with those two lines and fixing them. That might make it better than it already is. Otherwise, nice piece.

It was good But could be better.
Didn't quite understand what you were aiming at there bud.

Well, I am Israeli, so of course I came onto this post with heightened senses and increased curiosity. I wasn't surprised much: just a few well-spoken propaganda words with no real, concrete insight. Try to unearth the reasons--you paint us only one picture, and it's a sad one... but what? why? how? I don't understand it.

Example:

"eyes filled with pain"

This is vague to the point of cliche. Pain? What Pain? What is Pain? Why in his eyes? Who not in his liver, or in his rectum?


Please, revise this and PM me so I could re-critique on this. I'd truly appreciate it if you let me

That was a great poem. I really like how it was written and good word useage. Excellent work!

ARGH! I just wrote this page long crit and it disappeared/ So let me do this one fast.

I am fourteen: I have pics in the Post your Pic Forum to Prove it. Why do you think I am not fourteen?

Spelling=major rule in site's poetry rules. Only .00000000000000001% of poems are not spell checked.

I liked the other one better because

a) It wasn't a laundery list, like

"The stone that he holds...
the weight of the stone...
the scarf...
the shirt...
the socks."

b) The other one had a much more sentimental value, while this is just a jumble of vague, useless descriptions.

c) There were a few rhymes here that really ruined the rhythm.

My main tip for you is to start with organized structure and work your way out into more free poems. Say, have two stanzas, each one five lines, and have
a line in each stanza with something else. Ex:

line 1: a short, concise, gripping description
line 2: a narrative action in the description
line 3: an analogy of line 3
line 4: a short, concise, gripping decription
line 5: a metaphore.

Then just write, and think your writing out beforehand.

Hope I helpe!