Influenced by music [part 1/4]

Music is one of the most influential things on our planet (besides our peers, lol).
So I’ve written one story with 4 parts: 1st part was written along with blues/jazz, the 2nd part was with indie/emo/alternative rock, the 3rd with angry ska/punk, and the 4th was written to dance and techno.

Enjoy  and please critique, I need it immensely.



Part 1 (blues/jazz)

The city lights blurred through the rain-splattered window. At 7 o’clock, he was standing at the lift, waiting for it to reach floor 17. It always took about a half minute and he was used to stepping aside a foot and rearranging his suit using the reflection in the mirror-like wall paneling.

‘Ding’. The lift doors opened and he stepped neatly in. The aroma of fresh coffee and cleaning solutions lingered, but it was a familiar smell. An old stately man three floors down from his always went for his coffee at 6:30 and managed to leave the lift on floor 14 at 6:55 every morning. At least the beans he drank were Arabica; he couldn’t stand the smell of any others. The floor numbers rolled down and hit ground. The doors slid open and he walked over to the administration desk. His finger tapped the bell quietly but impatiently.

A young receptionist stood up from under the desk. Her short black skirt and stockings were tucked back to their places with her little finger.

‘How may I help you this morning, sir?’ she said with a smile that looked like an innocent Mona Lisa. Her hands were small and calm, and one was graced with an inexpensive ring.

He glanced down at her name tag, Anna, and tore his eyes away from her breasts with dignified control.

‘Ah, Anna, something very terrible has happened in my room. Not only am I missing a pillowslip, but also the code for my personal locker has been tampered with. As only certain people here at administration have access to it, I am quite upset. Perhaps you may be able to help?’

I understand it is short.

I didn't want a long story and this is only one part, not necessarily a chapter.

I hope that each part will be inconsistent in mood...proving that music really affects how we act, write, etc.

This is an interesting experiment and I'm intrigued as to how the song will affect the style of your writing.

Although short, as you said, this was good. I liked the honest and relate-able way in which you describe things.

It always took about a half minute and he was used to stepping aside a foot and rearranging his suit using the reflection in the mirror-like wall paneling.

I don't know why but 'about a half minute' just sounds slightly awkward to me. It could just be a cultural thing (my English slang way of hearing and saying things...). Perhaps try: It always took about half a minute and he....

As only certain people here at administration have access to it, I am quite upset. Perhaps you may be able to help?’

Very interesting and I know that you want to keep this short, but ending here isn't a firm place. Maybe a few more lines would be good just to round this up a bit more so the reader doesn't feel a bit.....lost at the end.

Overall, there was no fault with this. If there is anything to improve I would just say add to it - you can extend this fairly easily if you know what direction it's heading in.

All the best and pm me when you post the other parts.

Alainna
xxx

Thanks Alainna

I can see you what you mean about the half a minute thing.

Hey! I owe you a critique!

At 7 o’clock, he was standing at the lift, waiting for it to reach floor 17.

Always write out the numbers. (seven o'clock) (floor seventeen)

An old stately man three floors down from his always went for his coffee at 6:30 and managed to leave the lift on floor 14 at 6:55 every morning.

Again with the numbers.

This is a good start. Not very interesting to begin with, but it should help things stroll along.

:Sythe:

Very interesting. I'm interested to see how the music changes your writing. I agree with Alainna about adding a few more lines. I think it would round things about a bit if you aren't planning on continuing this.

-Harmony

I liked it, but the beginning was a little shaky, as well as the end. At first, the pace is warped, making it slightly confusing, and then you start almost ever sentence with an article. (articles are a POS, and there's only three: "a", "an", and "the") This means that even though it's not repetative in words, per se, it's repetetive in how you start the sentences in the part of speech department. Maybe you could fix that?

The only other issue was the slightly random info about the old man. Why was he included? THat needs a few more sentences of explanation.

Other than that, I found this piece well written and interesting. I'm certain I'll be back for parts 2-4!

I love the idea for this, because I know that music does affect the way I write, and I do listen to different kinds of music for whatever mood I'm in. Honestly, I think you did a good job of capturing the mood of the music with the setting. It made me laugh a little because whenever I think of hotels I think of elevator music, and from there Jazz.

I think that even though you want this to be short, it should be going somewhere. I don't know if you plan to continue with the same story, but I would guess not. If you indeed aren't, then the ending upset me a little. Don't you hate it when a story has been going somewhere, and then it just ends with barely the beginning of a plot, and not resolution what-so-ever. I was just never one for the style of writing, and honestly, it's probably going to bug me for the rest of the night. By no fault of your own, of course =D.

Regardless, I will be back for parts 2-4, as I love the idea, and look forward to what you may have in store for us.

Keep up the good work,
-JC

To quote Rihanna, "please don't stop the music, like the way you do this, please dont stop the please don't stop the music" I like it. RELEASE MORE!!!

Hello!

It always took about a half minute and he was used to stepping aside a foot and rearranging his suit using the reflection in the mirror-like wall paneling.

Two things: 1>> I agree with Alainna about the "half a minute" thing... and I'm not even English. 2>>I'm not sure if you're saying that one foot steps aside, or that he steps aside one foot (as in twelve inches)?

‘Ding’.

Nitpick: the period should be inside the quotes.

His finger tapped the bell quietly but impatiently.

I believe there should be a comma after "quietly."

Her short black skirt and stockings were tucked back to their places with her little finger.

Huh? What are you trying to say?

...she said with a smile that looked like an innocent Mona Lisa.

This is telling rather than showing. I suggest you say: "...she said with an innocent Mona Lisa smile."
_____________

That was too short! Seriously, I want more.

I agree with Alainna that you have a very easy, smooth style. And even though I would have liked to see a bit more imagery, it's not really necessary. I love the way you show us your MC's personality through descriptions, and little details. Very nice.

I agree with Pickle that the old man is a bit random. I understand that he helps to expand on MC's character, but I still think that you should either add more info about the old man, or add more info about OTHER people who live in the apartment building and ride the elevator with MC... oh, and by the way: I notice that you always say "lift" and never "elevator" it could be a British vs American thing, but I thought I'd point it out anyway.

I also agree with everyone else in that you should either expand on the end, or make another one... and I think you are doing the latter, so no worries. ^_~

I'll return for the next parts!

Hope this helps. PM me if I was unclear about anything or if you have any comments about my critique.
~Azila~