Stars the Poem

Alright, I'll admit it - I am simply horrible at poetry. But every once in a while I get the strangest urge. Why the urge wants me to do poetry, I have no clue.

But here are a few stanzas I have for you!

(Heh. That rhymed) It's a concrete poem.
[pre]
If
You look
Hard enough; far enough,
You might just happen to see the
Blazing stars up ahead,
Gleaming, shining,
Surrounding
You and me.



They
Are all
Out there, you just
Have to look; looking is harder
Than it would normally
Appear. But do
Not worry.
Do not fear.[/pre]

I'm sorry. The stanzas were supposed to look like stars, but it's not working. But you get the general picture.

I like this.

If
You look
Hard enough; far enough,
You might just happen to see the
Blazing stars up ahead,
Gleaming, shining,
Surrounding
You and me

I think it looks ok like this...in the shape of a diamond.

Have to look; looking is harder

Not too sure how well this bit works. The semicolon seems to break it too abruptly for the middle of a line/stanza.

Also, the words in this poem are cliche for star poems.

Gleaming, shining,
Surrounding

Etc. Very star-like words that are overly used.

Overall, I enjoyed the rhythm and the crux.

Peace V

Hi there Slyther. ^^

I like this! I think it's cute and for the most part flows quite well. The structure does, infact, help. I doubt I would have liked this so much if it were set out normally - I actually put it into Word and had a look at it without the structure. I didn't like it. ^^ - so I applaud you for using that to a good effect. I'm sorry that the stars didn't appear quite well, but how it is still works, and you can imagine the stars. ^^

Okay, I have a small problem with the beginning of your second stanza;

"They
Are all"

While it works perfectly well in this little triangle, connected with the larger picture I find that it doesn't quite flow as effectively as it could. I'm not sure how to tell you to fix this, I tried a couple of things in my Word document, but finding the best words, that keep in your meaning, and keep the intended shape, appear difficult. ^^ What I can tell you is that it's only a small issue, whatever you can do to fix it should be fine.

Again, I like this, nice work. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Sythe wrote:Alright, I'll admit it - I am simply horrible at poetry. But every once in a while I get the strangest urge. Why the urge wants me to do poetry, I have no clue.

But here are a few stanzas I have for you!

(Heh. That rhymed) It's a concrete poem.
[pre]
If
You look
Hard enough; far enough,
You might just happen to see the
Blazing stars up ahead,
Gleaming, shining,
Surrounding
You and me.



They
Are all
Out there, you just
Have to look; looking is harder
Than it would normally
Appear. But do
Not worry.
Do not fear.[/pre]

I'm sorry. The stanzas were supposed to look like stars, but it's not working. But you get the general picture.

Ah, I see it . A nice try at a poem, I understand your urge, just ignore it until you can't anymore. Spur of the moment poetry never really works. Now for nitty gritty. It's simple, I've some helpful advice though. Listen to Stars - Les Miserables. An enchanting song in all accounts. I wanted to be harsh but I like the simplicity... argh... heh... Overall: It's nice..., I would like it to be more than cute, listen to that song and try rewrite this.

Good luck VSN

----------------
Listening to: Billy Talent - Red Flag
via FoxyTunes

Thank you all so much!

Ink_On_Fire:

Thank you! I was thinking that this poem would be a disaster! Thanks for your kind words. I owe you one critique now! Thanks.

PenguinAttack:

Thank you for the kind words. Yeah, I understand what you're trying to tell me. I'll play with the words. Thanks. I owe you a critique now!

Vernon:

It's simple, I've some helpful advice though. Listen to Stars - Les Miserables.

Dude. That's what I was listening to when the idea hit me. But thanks anyway. I love that song! I owe you a critique!

*By the way, anyone who critiques anything I have posted - I will critique them back*

:Sythe:

Yo, Sythe. I really liked this. I don't see how it forms a star,but that'd be hard to do. I really liked how this flows. I also love your rhythm. Very good work! Keep it up!

-Rick.

This was well written. Always listen to the urge. It gets to write it, and then us random people on YWS can help you edit it to it's greatest potential.

Ok. *Takes breath* I really like it. It's a topic I'm quite fond of. I like the way it's structured and the adjectives in the first stanza. But, maybe you could add a bit more... something. Perhaps, more description in the second?

Although, it's already beautiful the way it is. Just lovely. Especially the last two lines.

This poem bothers me a little bit. I understand what you tried to do with the shape of the poem, and I'm familiar with that sort of structure, but it strikes me as simply a sophomoric attempt at cleverness. It's cute; but "cute" and "good poetry," while not mutually exclusive, are also not synonymous, as this poem proves.

You have some potential with the images, but there's just nothing gripping here, nothing that grabs the reader's attention and holds it. I'd suggest focusing less on the shape of the poem and more on the poem itself.

Good luck!

Hi!
I see the star! You did a great job here. Don't ignore that urge, but listen to it, and when you've written the poem edit it until it feels right to you. Love how you said, "If you look hard enough you can find them." Made me think of being in the city and not being able to see the stars. Bravo!!

I suppose it could be longer.
Not to sure what your trying to get across though.
I liked the poem very much though. Very clever.

Its not a bad poem. Well written, good flow and well worded. Very good work on this poem. I liked it and found it to be a very interesting poem.