That's all

Is this all that I can do?
To sit and wait for it to come,
passive, lifeless, and inert?
Is that all that I can do?
All that I can write of late
is all that I can think up later,
is all that I can conjure up
from thoughts of 'I can't do this.'

I think of tree and wings and things,
of all I'm losing in my life,
procrastination, stupid princes,
grammar, 'I can't spell
definately, rythm, murmer.'
They're cutting down my memories,
she ridicules me when I cry,
and I can't help but wonder if it's all a lie.

I persist in letting them eat up
my life. This month meant more to me
than ever I've let on to those most close to me.
My one link to this other side,
the side I've come to value most,
is my one and greatest secret.
But it's something wholly foreign
to my life, as am I to them.

At least I can express it as I am.
That which I complain of is
that which leads me on and let's me
put pen to paper. Paradoxical,
you say? You who read this,
if you understand. I doubt it.
But if, in fact, this is society worthy,
you're the ones to tell me.

And now I understand.
This is all that I can do, to answer
my own question. Not
because I lack the inspiration
of my fellows. Not
because my life's an empty
shell. But when I sit down
it's 9 in the afternoon.

It's definitely a great way of putting the thoughts down on paper, the way you phrased everything...

But on the other hand, it makes everything seem vague and strange. Might want to reread it and think about changing it entirely. Just a thought.

Adnamarine wrote:Here's a little dose of my NaPoWriMo work, one of the few things I've written so far that's worth anything. Enjoy!


Is this all that I can do?
To sit and wait for it to come,
passive, lifeless, and inert?
Is that all that I can do?
All that I can write of late
is all that I can think up later,
is all that I can conjure up
from thoughts of 'I can't do this.'

I think of tree and wings and things,
of all I'm losing in my life,
procrastination, stupid princes,
grammar, 'I can't spell
definately, rythm, murmer.'
They're cutting down my memories,
she ridicules me when I cry,
and I can't help but wonder if it's all a lie.

I persist in letting them eat up
my life. This month meant more to me
than ever I've let on to those most close to me.
My one link to this other side,
the side I've come to value most,
is my one and greatest secret.
But it's something wholly foreign
to my life, as am I to them.

At least I can express it as I am.
That which I complain of is
that which leads me on and let's me
put pen to paper. Paradoxical,
you say? You who read this,
if you understand. I doubt it.
But if, in fact, this is society worthy,
you're the ones to tell me.

And now I understand.
This is all that I can do, to answer
my own question. Not
because I lack the inspiration
of my fellows. Not
because my life's an empty
shell. But when I sit down
it's 9 in the afternoon.

I really liked this. I love the rhythm you used for this piece. Keep up the good work!

-Rick.

This was fine, you got your ideas across though not necessarily in the most succint way, but generally you dealt with the topic well. The main problem I had with the poem was the fact that sometimes you slipped from being interestingly cynical to being overdramatic. At times the tone was almost whiney.

You who read this,
if you understand. I doubt it.

That was a bit poor-me, which I think you'd do well to avoid. Basically what was good about your poem was that it was personal and subjective, but when you got to vague dramatic proclamations it didn't work so well.

meh...

Hey =)

I think there are too many that all, this all's int the first stanza. You don't need that repitition.

But otherwise, I love the way you described everything.
I like how you've capitalized the start of every sentence and not the start of every line. It works.

Good work

Peace V

Adnamarine wrote:Here's a little dose of my NaPoWriMo work, one of the few things I've written so far that's worth anything. Enjoy!


Is this all that I can do?
To sit and wait for it to come,
passive, lifeless, and inert?
Is that all that I can do?
All that I can write of late
is all that I can think up later,
is all that I can conjure up
from thoughts of 'I can't do this.'

I think of tree and wings and things,
of all I'm losing in my life,
procrastination, stupid princes,
grammar, 'I can't spell
definately, rythm, murmer.'
They're cutting down my memories,
she ridicules me when I cry,
and I can't help but wonder if it's all a lie.

I persist in letting them eat up
my life. This month meant more to me
than ever I've let on to those most close to me.
My one link to this other side,
the side I've come to value most,
is my one and greatest secret.
But it's something wholly foreign
to my life, as am I to them.

At least I can express it as I am.
That which I complain of is
that which leads me on and let's me
put pen to paper. Paradoxical,
you say? You who read this,
if you understand. I doubt it.
But if, in fact, this is society worthy,
you're the ones to tell me.

And now I understand.
This is all that I can do, to answer
my own question. Not
because I lack the inspiration
of my fellows. Not
because my life's an empty
shell. But when I sit down
it's 9 in the afternoon.

This poem seem very skitsophrenic. It's almost as if you're argueing with yourself in poetic format. It's intresting, but the ideas seem a a bit vague, maybe this gives it that feel. Why I say it almost like ya're in argueing in ya head is that. Now I'm doing that, it's contagious! XD. Overall: I like the idea, and am gonna star this now.

Good luck
VSN

----------------
Listening to: Good Riddance - United Cigar
via FoxyTunes

I really liked this poem! Keep up the good work!

To many I's. Good though. I liked it

Hmmmmm....one thing....9 in the afternoon is a recently created P!ATD song (panic! At the disco)

Hm...I didn't like this too much. A little too overdramatic and too self-pitiful. I like the end and i think there was a little rhyming in there, but I don't think it sounded like a poem. I like the idea of it, however.

~Timea

Bashing your muse I see. If you have muse that is. -shakes head- I understand where you got this, can't think of anything, then it happens and you don't understand it. It's a nice piece of work.

Not bad, but not brilliant either. Your emotions were expressed strongly but a little vaguely.

1. Readability - How easy your story is to read. A good story will obviously be much easier to read than a bad one.

Flow of words 2/3
Thoughts conveyed well 2/3
Overall feeling 2/3
How well each topic flows from paragraph to paragraph 1/1

Interesting rythm, enjoyable at the very least.

But I think there is too great a sense of vagueness.
What exactly is happening?


Overall 7/10

2. Description- How well described your story was, including the language you use.

Good/over use of words: 3/3
Accurate/poor description: 3/3
Atmosphere 1/3
Description used 1/1
Beautiful at parts, again, this is very random, but I liked it...
Not enough atmosphere, so to speak.

Overall 8/10

3.Originality - How original the story is. If it's been done before this will be low.

Concept: 2/3
Wording: 3/3
Creativity(Creatures, places) 1/3
Inventive 1/1

The concept was fine, the wording was perfect, I did enjoy the second verse.
Of course the vagueness means that the creativity is slightly off.

Overall 7/10

4.Confusion? - Was this story easy to understand?

Use of words 3/3
Use of storyline 0/3
Ability to continue flow of story without jumping too much 3/3
Impression to the reader 1/1
All fine, save for the storyline, yes, you might wnat to work on that.
Overall 7/10

5.Spelling/Grammar - You lose a point for every spelling mistake you make. All the more reason to consult the editing department!

Half a point per mistake

Overall 10/10
-bows lowly-

(Reviewers should also give a comment on each section)

Overall 39/50

Not bad, but you've doen better.

Your idea was simply ravishing. Although I didn't get the concept of it, I have yet to see anyone write a poem like this before. Very original. Some of the big words threw me off, though. You must understand that my brain is incapable to...ummm what am I thinking...comprehend such big words, like paradoxial, or whatever. I don't know what that means. I thank you, because you have just inspired me to invest in an online dictionary.