Stupid Mistake

Is it possible to p u l l
The velvet fabric around
This fragile surface of
Your frail body, and p o u r
Out the aches and trembles onto the floor?

Is it possible to e r a s e
Words spoken too fast?
And the simple misunderstandings
That led to the d i s a s t e r
Of collisions that have left bruises?

I hate being this w a y
Seeing faults as daggers.
Pauses as the cause of the
Unmerciful rush of my t e a r s,
Smudging the white washed walls

I'm to crawling on my k n e e s
Tearing the poor carpet seams
Creating a cry of desperation.
Pounding on its innocent s u r f a c e
Cowering behind all the fears, and the pain.

Simplicity in the words of a b u t t e r f l y
Could I but imitate the mix of the colors?
Upon wings slowing the worlds spinning
Immaturity may rub off in the r a i n
But alone I will stand a fragment of my worst nightmare









I'm not entirely sure what there is....but this piece needs some serious help. SO... Please help???

Hi! Welcome to YWS!
Please make sure you go through the Rules and Guides of this Site. And also keep in mind you must review two other works before posting up your work.
So keep it to a healthy ratio of 2:1.

I know it's kinda confusing when you're new here, so if you have any questions or need any help, feel free to PM me.

Great imagery! And effective rhythm and a good choice of words. There was also a certain a certain style with which you wrote those. It made it flow very nicely. And I have to say I rather liked the format!

I hope to see more of your work posted up.
-See you around!

Wow! Good one. I really like the way you wrote the poem. At first I was a little unsure, but after reading it a second time I realized that it flowed nicely. Good job! =]

Hey

Welcome to YWS.

Hmm, I'm not sure this poem does need as much work as you think.

There are a few things I could point out though.

All of these first lines are fairly short. They are good, simple and straight to point.

Is it possible to p u l l

Is it possible to e r a s e

I hate being this w a y

But on the fourth stanza you change this particular pattern - that seems to be going strong- with a much longer line.

I have been reduced to crawling on my k n e e s

Perhaps if you shortened it (and maybe the last one as well) it would flow better and keep that particular rhythm you had going.

You could put this principle to the whole poem, in fact, and work on balancing everything out and making it work more smoothly.

I love this verse.

Simplicity in the words of a b u t t e r f l y
Could I but imitate the mix of the colors?
Upon wings slowing the worlds spinning
Immaturity may rub off in the r a i n
But alone I will stand a fragment of my worst nightmare

(You forgot punctuation at the end of the last line)

But this is so beautiful. I got warm feelings for some reason.

Comparing the first stanza

Is it possible to p u l l
The velvet fabric around
This fragile surface of
Your frail body, and p o u r
Out the aches and trembles onto the floor?

with the last

Simplicity in the words of a b u t t e r f l y
Could I but imitate the mix of the colors?
Upon wings slowing the worlds spinning
Immaturity may rub off in the r a i n
But alone I will stand a fragment of my worst nightmare

can you see the difference in length and size?

Just a thought

Keep it up I love your imagery.

Peace V

You are a very deep writer. I like it.Oh yeah, welcome to YWS. have fun, and i enjoyed your poem!