The Loveliest Spice

Hello dear reader. Got here some poem I wrote a year ago, praising the wonderful entity of the Great Holy One. It's from the love and fire burning for Him. I love Him! x(
--would be good to be reading while listening to How Great is Our God--



Out and About
In the wondrous affirmation,
of these clouded horizons
Your name I hear them chant.

NO

Wait

They are not chanting your name.

NO

Wait


They are encompassion the loveliest spices (the Name we all love, barriers irregardless)

...and turning them into angelic mouths; lids that bounce off the glory and brings it back to you.


NO

Wait

No one could even turn to language...to words...to the world's viewpoint.


NO

Wait

'Cause You are You.






9-05-07

Ok, firstly...

I have no idea the pattern or rhythm for this poem. There's no structure and no rhyme... It was hard for me to read without one of these things.

Secondly, there seems to be so much emotion and amazement/praise (call it what you will) that it is too much to comprehend. It's like turning a bright spotlight on into someone's eyes...yes, it's so bright that it obscures everything and blinds them. I'm not sure how you'd go about it exactly, but maybe bringing it down a few notches may give it a more realistic, able-to-relate-to kind of feeling...
this for example...

...and turning them into angelic mouths; lids that bounce off the glory and [s]brings[/s] bring it back to you.

I have no idea what it means at all. Lids? Also about the quote above, you may have meant bring instead of brings.

Work on getting a readable, flowing structure for your poetry And go crazy with your imagination.

Keep it up

i like it. thats how i usually write though. my poems dont have composition. the lines move by feeling. to emphasize the emotion. I also think that it does have alot emotion. in a good way. while reading it, it felt as if something was about to burst.

Echolair wrote:Hello dear reader. Got here some poem I wrote a year ago, praising the wonderful entity of the Great Holy One. It's from the love and fire burning for Him. I love Him! x(
--would be good to be reading while listening to How Great is Our God--



Out and About
In the wondrous affirmation,
of these clouded horizons
Your name I hear them chant.

NO

Wait

They are not chanting your name.

NO

Wait


They are encompassion the loveliest spices (the Name we all love, barriers irregardless)

...and turning them into angelic mouths; lids that bounce off the glory and brings it back to you.


NO

Wait

No one could even turn to language...to words...to the world's viewpoint.


NO

Wait

'Cause You are You.






9-05-07

Welcome to YWS. I'm Rick. I hope you enjoy the site as much as we all do. After you get 25 reviews, you can access the YWS chatroom and talk about any work you're doing, ask for crits for anything, ask anyone if they have something they want/need critted, and/or just hang out in and talk about your day. Before you post your own work, you need atleast two crits. I see that you've done that. Good job! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions/concerns about anything.

Bye.

-Rick.

I don't like the rhythm nor flow into this. Also, I don't see the meaning behind this. Also, please do not use caps. Try to add some rhythm into this and fix the caps. Shorten up the sentences and put some detail and rhyming in. I hope this helps!

-Rick.

LOL. Thanks for the critiques.

two things though, i dont write with a set standardized type of writing nor do i follow some style of some sort. i guess i kinda just have my own and stuck with it no matter how TOO MUCH it is. Lol. second, I guess the meaning of this depends on you..on how you read it but just to clear it all out, that's just exactly what it is. too many complex twaddles so it may seem, but I guess even Poems can't clearly describe that feeling of being loved and loving God.

Hey there!
I liked this poem though it had no structure or rhythm whatsoever. I think you've got the potential though. You were able to get your emotions on paper effectively, but I feel this poem makes most sense to you than to your reader. To tell you the truth, I couldn't get much sense out of it. I got the emotions and feelings though.

I could understand your emotions, that you feel about God but it would have been much nicer for me, as a reader if this poem followed some sort of structure or rhythm.

~Good luck with that!

PS. Welcome to YWS!! If you need anything, feel free to ask me. I'm sure you'll have fun here. Hope to see more of your work up soon!

See you around!

Hey there. I have a poem with the same topic like this too. Search, My Friend.

Nice poem.