Revenge [EDITED] please crit. again

Hey. I don't have much time, but I wanted to tell you what I think.

This has a great plot, and some interesting aspects to it. I like how the girl is standing near her Mom and her step dad and hearing everything they say.

There were a few nitpicks. First, You say the word "Mom" too much when she's arguing with her not to marry Dan.

Second, I also felt that this girl's jealousy was too unrealistic. Sure, her mom and her were close. So were me and my mom when she got married a second time. But this Dan doesn't seem like a mean guy. In order for her to have such hatred for him, I think it would be better if he were abusive to both her and her mom or something to give her more cause for want of revenge.

Otherwise, it was interesting. I wouldn't say very well-written, because I felt it was lacking detail and it could use more description, but it was good.

Keep writing.

First I would like to say that I almost missed out on this. I was about to skip it cause it was too lengthy, but then I saw KJ's post, and I gave it a shot.

I loved it. The plot, imagery, and characters really hooked me. It's great how you thought of that just by seeing a burning house. Well done.

I also like your word choice. It was descriptive and clear.

But now that the time came. I was hesitant

This threw me off. Wrong punctuation. I say replace the period with a comma.
Otherwise, these aren't complete thoughts.

A+! I'm giving this a gold star. Thanks for the great read!

I agree with KJ, burning the house down is a little excessive for the situation... unless she i paranoid... or schizophrenic... or just plain nuttier than a can o' Planters. good story though.

peace.

Oooo, this was good!

I only saw a few things.

"No Ellen." She tried to shrug him off, crying, but he held her back.

I know Dan says this but you should make this a little clearer so it makes it easier to read.

I seemed to have faded in the background.

I think this would sound better if you added into like this: I seemed to have faded into the backgroud. I'm not sure why, I just think is sounds better.

"This has been going on for so long. You never told me?" I asked hurt. She sighed. "Janice, I meant to tell you earlier, much earlier but I ... just wasn't so sure how you would take it."

You should press enter when Ellen starts talking since there is two different people speaking here.

She held my chin and lifted it up looking into my eyes.

You should have a comma after up so it should read: She held my chin and lifted it up, looking into my eyes.

I felt like I was and intruder all the time.

I think you meant I felt like I was an intruder all the time.

Besides all those simple mistakes above ^^^^, you have a really good plot line here. You did really well with writing a story based off that photo. I agree, however, that burning her house down is a little over-the-top but I do think it fits this.

Deranged daughter is pissed at step-father and so sets house on fire.

lol I think you write really well and have a good piece here.

Great Job!

Oh thanks so much, you guys!! I'll make the changes right away and I'll add a part or rather a scene in the story that explains more in depth of the Janice-Dan relationship.

Thank-you again!!!!!!!!!!

ok I've changed it and added a Janice-Dan secene.

Please crit again as harshly as you want!!

Me again. You've much improved this piece with your editing. I found a few more things that need to be adjusted :

Now it was him, Mom giggled with.

Don't need comma after him.

"This has been going on for so long. You never told me?" I asked hurt.

Should be comma after asked.

The next day, while Dan was away, I sneaked into his den and took out all his cigarettes from his drawer.

Snuck, not sneaked.

No one had the right to slap my.

Me, not my.

My Mother was sitting on the ground now, her shoulder shaking but I couldn't hear her sobs.

This sentence felt awkward and ruined the flow. Also, Mother doesn't need to be capitalized. Would be better as something like: My mother was sitting on the ground now, and I could see that her shoulder shaking. I couldn't hear her sobs.

I could hear the sirens of the fire trucks in the distance.
Too late, I sneered.

"Too late" should probably be in Italics. Also, you should put another space between the two sentences, just to be consistent.


Good job with your first editing. Good luck with the next one.

Wow. Really interesting how that simple picture made you think of such a plot. The emotions were great and I truly, truly loved this. Umm.. I didn't notice anything wrong with it. KJ pretty much pointed out all the mistakes.

Keep writing.
I hope you do well in the contest! Actaully I'm sure you will. This was very, very good!

I came back!
Okay, very nice bit! You tied it in really well with the story. I almost forgot that you added a whole scene to this. Well done.
I especially liked what she did to get him angry. I don't know, I thought that was cool.
Nice job!

Hi, Mizz-icy! I'm sorry that this didn't work out with the contest (I swear, we had no idea you had entered!) and I don't know if it's your fault or ours, but I guess it doesn't matter. Anyway, I will try to give you an extra-harsh review because of it.

-Nitpicks-

Standing still, in the cold windless night, I watched my house afire. I stood watching as it crackled and burned; the fire leaping and greedily feeding on the wooden house.

I stood still, hidden among the trees, watching.

I would like to see a stronger opening... I'll go into how you can improve it later.

Of course he was. It was two in the morning.

The period after "was" should be a semi-colon or dash, methinks.

He did not fully understand. It would all come to him in the morning.

These two sentences should be joined as well... I think you should join them with a dash.

My family was in their pajamas. I stood fully dressed, glancing at my shoes.

More detail here: is the family shivering in thin pajamas, or wrapped up in fleece bathrobes? Also, what are her shoes like? Plastic sneakers? leather sandals?

As the flames reached higher and higher, my mother shrieked louder and I could sense she was losing hope.

For the sake of comparison, I think you should say "louder and louder." Then you're comparing the flames' reaching with the mother's shrieks.

She shrieked my name pulling at her hair.

I suggest you find another word beside "shriek" because that's the word you used in the sentence previous to this one.

My stepfather hushed her saying it would be alright.

Comma after "her."

I couldn't see their faces, they were facing the house.

The comma should be a semi-colon or dash, in my opinion.

"Ellen I can't do anything" he said softly, rubbing my mother's back.

There should be a comma after "anything."

"Mommy, I'm sleepy" Ben whined pulling at her.

And there should be a comma after "sleepy" as well.

"Oh God, No! Please. No! Janice." cried mother as a part of the house fell with a soft thud.

The period after "Janice" should be a comma.

"No Ellen." He said sternly.

The period after "Ellen" should be a comma, and "he" should be lowercase.

"You don't understand Dan. My baby's in there. She's in that house!" she shrieked punching him furiously.

Comma after "shrieked," but I think you should find another word, since you use "shriek" ALL THE TIME when talking about the mom.

I looked down at the ground pushing the toe of my shoe in the dirt making a hole.

Comma after "ground."

I remember the night Mother had told me.

The tenses seem a little weird here -- I think it should either be "I remember the night Mother told me." or "I remembered the night Mother had told me."

"I've met someone Janice." she told me softly.

The period after "Janice" should be a comma. Also, I think there should be a comma after "someone."

‘I've met someone'

Just me, but I think this should be italic.

I asked, hurt.
...
I remember I had yelled at her, hurt.

Repetition here. We know she's hurt--you don't need to tell us over and over.

"And besides there's no room in this apartment for another person." I had added, helplessly.

The period after "person" should be a comma.

But for Mom's sake I never said much to him.

I believe there should be a comma after "sake," but it might just be a matter of opinion.

He pretended, I didn't exist, I wasn't there.

I don't think there should be a comma after "pretended."

I tired to do the same.

I think you mean to say "tried?" ^_~

Secretly we both knew he had won.

I think there should be a comma after "secretly."

But I spent my time trying to think up of ways to get back at him for what was happening.

That should be "think of" OR "think up," but not "think up of." ^_~

I had looked at the piece in his palm with calm curiosity.

Something about the "palm/calm" rhyme bothers me... but I guess it isn't all that bad.

Maybe she was thinking, she should have paid more attention.

There shouldn't be a comma after "thinking."

I turned around again looking at the huge fire.

Comma before "looking."
__________________

-Overall-

There are a few main issues with this piece:

Punctuation.
Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Dialogue punctuation. RIGHT-- "Hello," he said. / "Hello!" he said. / "Hello?" he said. / "Hello." His wrinkled hand reached towards me, hungry for a handshake. WRONG-- "Hello." he said. / "Hello." He said. / "Hello!" He said. Basically, if it's a dialogue tag (such as "he said") then the last punctuation mark should be either a comma, exclamation point, or question mark, but NOT a period and the first letter of the dialogue tag should be lowercase. If it's just a sentence describing the way the dialogue was said, or what the speaker was doing (such as "His wrinkled hand reached towards me, hungry for a handshake.") then it can be a period and the first letter can be uppercase.

2. Choppy sentences. Sometimes, I love choppy sentences. But they do take some getting used to. I think that you know you use short, choppy sentences but that's your style, so I won't pester you about it. I just want you to be aware of the fact that your doing it. ^_~

Tense.
I think that this piece would be better if the "present" part (with her watching the burning house) was in the present tense. Then the flashbacks could be in past rather than past perfect ("had done") which gets confusing. For example:

A fire burned in my chest, different from the kind that was before me.

This sentence would make a lot more sense like this "A fire burned in my chest, different from the kind that blazes before me [now]." Don't you think? There are a few other places where it would come in handy to switch the tense as well.

Showing vs telling.
I think this is one of the main reasons why I don't like choppy sentences--they usually force you to tell rather than show. Remember I told you I'd tell you how to improve the first few sentences? Well that's what I'm doing. I think the problem with it is that it's showing rather than telling. Here's my idea of how you could improve it:
--- "I stood hidden in the dark, cold trees. The windless night air was spiced with the flailing scent of smoke. From my hiding spot, I could see a blazing blotch on the rolling country landscape. I could see the fire leap greedily, feeding on the wooden house. My house."

Of course, you don't have to use my example (you should think of your own) but I think you get the idea. Another thing that you'll notice I integrated is the smell of the smoke, which brings me to my next point...

Sensual description.
Smell and taste have been proven to be the senses with the most powerful abilities to bring back memory. Try to integrate them into your writing not only to give us a feeling for what the setting is like, but also to let us know what your character's memory of the flashbacks is like... the smell of the syrupy cigarettes, the taste of the hot cocoa, etc.

Another thing I noticed is that the MC's emotions seemed inconsistent--what exactly are her feelings towards Dan? At one point, you say that she is glad he doesn't pay attention to her, but later you say that it annoys her when he ignores her. You might have done this on purpose, but it's something to think about.

Anyway, I'm running out of time, so I better finish up.

I liked it, overall (and am giving you a gold star) but I think it can use some work.

PM me if I was unclear about anything.

Hope this helps, and sorry about the contest...
~Azila~