Here are some little bits from my comedy-fantasy story, rate for humor pleaaase. =)
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The story is about Frost, a thief, and Lortie, a mage. Through a somewhat bizarre circumstance, both of them end up killing a mob boss and becoming very popular--so popular, in fact, that they are granted 'Freelance Adventurer' status. Armed with their wits (or lack thereof) and a book titled How to Survive As (or With) an Adventurer, they decide that maybe this is the life for them...
Excerpt 1:
Hello, said the book. As you have read in the first introductory chapter, you are likely ready and excited for your first freelance assignment. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’ve either not read the first chapter or you have yet to actually purchase this book. In either case, bugger off.
The first thing to remember is to start small. To a new adventurer, the sheer number of available quests, tasks, monster slayings, and menial chores is staggering. The first thing to do when confronting your first Adventurer Classifieds section is to methodically weed out the frivolous, stupid, or overly-difficult tasks:
-Damsels in distress (see chapter five)
-Dragon slaying. If you’re not bright enough to have dismissed this kind of thing already, you should probably consider another profession.
-Absolutely ANYTHING involving imps.
-Absolutely ANYTHING that appears as though it may have been WRITTEN by imps. This is a trap.
Some good first tasks to do are very small, short, and quick ones. Killing a few goblins in the basement, scaring off ugly children, things like that. The most important thing is to get through as many easy tasks as quickly as possible and as efficiently as possible. This will increase both your skill and reputation.
Excerpt 2: Damsels in Distress
“’Chapter Five’,” he said. “.’Damsels in Distress'. Just don’t do it. Don’t even bother. The only ‘distress’ you’ll get is what a pain in the ass these broads can be. Studies show that, of articles describing the princess in question as ‘virgin’ or ‘beautiful’, only two out of ten are under three hundred pounds, and nine out of ten of the ones who aren’t, aren’t virgins. Put it this way: if there were that many virgins in nobility just lying around, the Royal Line would be extinct by now.’”
Frost had to concede the point. He continued to flip through the listings: ‘Goblin infestation’, ‘imps in toilets, adventurer or plunger needed ASAP’, ‘Lost: the Unfindable Crystals of Farabshi’, and so on. After several minutes of this Frost was forced to toss the paper aside and throw up his hands.
Excerpt 3: Frost and Lortie are tasked to kill a necromancer.
“Necromancer.” Read Frost. “Here’s a tip on fighting a necromancer: don’t. Just don’t do it. Honestly, it’s the number one DUMBEST thing you could possibly do. There are almost no recorded successful necromancer slayings: one, because they’re simply THAT hard to kill, second because they usually come back as some kind of vengeful spirit, and lastly because of the swarms of zombies and skeletons and things they control. In fact, out of the ten recorded necromancer kills, four were hoaxes, one was a misprint, and four were actually just small children in Halloween costumes.
There are only a few strict conditions under which you should ever attempt to kill a necromancer for an assignment:
-You really don’t like him.
-He stole your girlfriend/mate/wife/mother/brother/cat.
-You’re incredibly greedy.
-You’re mildly stupid.
-You like money.’”
Frost looked up at Lortie. Lortie looked up at Frost.
“Read those last three again,” said Lortie, now looking thoughtful himself.
Frost did. Lortie nodded. “Yes,” he said, sweat beading his forehead as he concentrated on keeping his pensive expression. “That seems to sum us up pretty well.”
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