A Song for the Misunderstood.

Okay, so this a poem I wrote about the emo riot that occurred in Mexico about a week ago. Honestly, it's probably not the best thing Iv'e ever written it was meant more to be a peice to get feelings out. Anyway, I thought I'd post it and get some feedback on it. It's my frist time posting any of my material on youngwriterssociety and I'm new to the whole thing so, it might not be that good. Please ignore or feel free to critique any spelling/gramatical errors.
Peace to you,
Jenni

You can tell a bird with broken wings it will never learn to fly. One day it will spread it’s wings as it begins to cry. You can crush a seed before it grows without ever thinking where it began in the ground so low. You can whisper in a broken girl’s ear quicker she will forever be lost in her world of liquor. You can’t sit upon a throne so high because all the world sees it’s lies. You can’t imagine to strengthen the weak because your own two eyes are unbearably bleak. You can’t feel hands of pain because your’e the one who made it sustain. You tilt your head back and laugh while you slit your wrists in this broken graph. You don’t attempt to see past your nose perhaps if you did people wouldn’t suffer underneath your toes. I forever fear if we never learn to live through this seclusion we sill surly die in this twisted illusion.

Wow, I really like this. I don't find many grammer errors so I can't exactly tell you you screwed up. Great poem very dramactic and very true.

-Max

Hm. I'm really not a fan of those form of poetry. To me, it defeats the purpose of poetry--which is placing form and function on equal playing fields. The rhythm, often granted by line breaks, is something that gives poetry the most beauty. This completely lacks all rhythm, and therefore lays, basically lifeless, on the cerebral tongue.

I could, however, look past that if there was anything resembling originality in this. The images in this poem are images that have been rehashed time and time again in adolescent poetry. Also, your grammar is sorely lacking. Better luck next time?

Oh! I heard about those riots! Have you heard about the Australian emo and scene kids fighting too? Pathetic stuff if you ask me. I don't like how it's one big block of text. It puts me off thinking it's more like prose. However, this is a beautiful piece, I think it would benefit you to space it out.

Just some typos and fixes:

You can’t feel hands of pain because you're the one who made it sustain.

You don’t attempt to see past your nose. But perhaps if you did people wouldn’t suffer underneath your toes. I think you should change that to two sentences because it disn't make much sense as one before. Or at least put a comma there.

The rhyming was good. There was one line that didn't have it though and that ruined your consistency. Nice work though. Welcome to the YWS! Keep writing!

~Yoyo

ZOOMYGOSH! I actually didn't hear about the scene kid verses emo at Austrailia. I agree it's pathetic and actually kind of sad. I'm strongly agianst steryotypes and it bothers me that our society has carried it out so far that fights are occurring because of it, globably. Fandilocks I agree with you to a certain standpoint. I actually feel the EXACT same way about ryhmeing poetry. I never actually wrote poetry that ryhmed nor have I ever liked reading ryming poetry. However I think, it's actually a little more risky to write rhyming poetry because by rhyming words it can easily make or break the rythem and if it breaks it then it kind of washes out the depth or the perspective behind it, if you get what I'm saying. Iv'e come to realize though that I don't nessarily think that rhyeming destroys the purpose of form and function on equal playing fields, it's just a diffrent way and a diffrent idea of pursing the perspective of the author through a diffrent style. Like I said, though, this definatley isn't one my strongest peices, and I know that, I probably should have written free verse to begin with, ( I'll remember to stick with that next time ) but I apreciate the criticism and I hope you won't give up on me just yet and you can read some of my other material and hopefully you will like it better =-)