untitled

I'm tired of being compared to her.

Her clothes are perfection,
Her straight hair is pure gold,
You watch as she passes.

I watch from the side lines,
I try to capture your attention,
My song is the only thing that can.

Yet my shyness gets the best of me.

I like this! It's very short and cool! Like you're jealou of a girl that the guy you like likes right? That might have been a little confusing! But, anywho, great job.

Keep 'er goin'!
~Lulu

I think you need to expand on this. You've got a goo thing going here. I like how the first stanza is, but he second stanza takes you in a totally different direction and it leaves me confused. In the first part your watching this girl somewhere, and then suddenly you're on the sidelines somewhere, and then she's singing, and then she's not. It's just confusing. I think if you built this up and added some imagery so we know where we are, this could be expanded to something a lot better. Keep writing!

~Yoyo

mirandamaddness wrote:I'm tired of being compared to her.

Her clothes are perfection,
Her straight hair is pure gold,
You watch as she passes.

I watch from the side lines,
I try to capture your attention,
My song is the only thing that can.

Yet my shyness gets the best of me.

This is really good. I liked how you showed ways on how people can be jealous of one. I think you should make this longer though. Very good rhythm. You should also try to add some rhyming into it as well. There should be a comma inserted somewhere. I'll qoute the line for you.

Yet, my shyness gets the best of me.

There should be a comma right after "yet". I hope this helps! Keep up the good work.

-Rick.

yoha_ahoy wrote:I think you need to expand on this.

I definitely agree. Your take on the subject matter is unique, but you should make it longer. I'd expand on the description of the other girl. Also, unless the guy is choosing her over you, she doesn't have a point. Make it more clear that he notices her, not you (if that's how it's supposed to be, of course). And I'd expand on your tangent about her singing, but being too shy.

That's mostly it. I like your subject, the emotion, and like I said, I think it's unique. Just expand on it.

Keep writing!


*adna*


Edit: You should also add a title. People are more likely to take a look at it. Just make it the first line, if you can't think of anything else. That's a good standard to go by, usually.