The boy who lived.... cheated!?

"Harry, you're going to be late for Quidditch practice, AGAIN!", yelled Ron out side of Harry's window on broomstick.The wind was blowing his broom everywhere!

"Hmm, whoa, whaaat?" stuttered Harry as he stretched himself out of bed.

"What do you mean I'm going to... be.... LATE?" he said after looking at his clock.

"Oh crap! Not again! They're going to kill me!"he moaned.

Quickly grabbing his clothes and quidditch robes, he set off for the playing field.The sunshine was brilliantly bright. Halfway there, he remembered his broom was in the Gryffindor common room. Running back, he silently thought about Ginny.

"No," he said to himself. She was off limits. Ron would kill him!
Still, he could not get over her gleaming red hair and bubbly personality. The way she laughed and especially the way she talked when she was around Harry.He always thought they were meant to be together, but he could never get close enough to her without Ron getting angry! Then, he remembered that he was going to the common room for his broomstick. He'd gone all the way to the dining hall.He could already smell lunch being made. It smelled like they were going to be having vegetable soup today. He by passed the dining room and went towards the Gryffindor common room.
Finally getting his broom, he made his way over to the Quidditch field, where Angelina was giving practice drills.

"Why are you so late?" she demanded.

"Oh come off it Angelina. I'm late, big deal. It's not like it's the first time I've been late." Harry said.

"Yes Harry, exactly. It's not the first time you've been late! You're the only one on this team who's not taking Quidditch seriously! "Angelina said exasperatedly.
"Fine,it won't happen again." he said taking flight off of his broomstick. The roar of the wind washed away his anger.

After Quidditch, he had a free period in the Gryffindor common room. Immediately, he saw Ginny working on her homework. She had a strained expression on her face, like she was having trouble. Maybe he should go help her. No, she was off limits! Scoping the room, he saw people going on about their business. Fred and George Weasly making home-made dungbombs. The Quidditch team talking about flight pattern and drills. Then, he saw the one sight that made his blood boil. Ron snogging Hermione! She was as off limits as Ginny! Fine, he thought, if Ron was going to break the off-limits rule, so was he! Going up the stairs to the boys dorms, he was planning revenge in his mind.

In the boys dorms, Harry was siting on his bed doing his three page long potions assignment on dragon eggs, when Hermione walked in. She was so silent that Harry couldn't hear her. When she sat down on his bed, Harry jumped, causing his ink to come dangerously close to tipping over.

"Hermione! What are you doing up here?"Harry asked as he started clearing his bed off.

"Harry, this room is a pigsty! When are you going to clean it up? Honestly!" while as she said that, she recited the spell to instantly clean the room.

"Hermione, WHAT are you doing in the boys room?" Harry drew out every syllable, hinting for her to leave.
"Sorry Harry, I was just looking for Ron." she said quietly. Harry noticed her cheeks were starting to blush.

Harry had a cold tone in his voice when he replied,"Why, so you two can start snogging again?"

"Oh Harry! Let it go! So what if we were snogging! Maybe Ron likes me and maybe I like him. There's no reason for you to go and get mad about it!" she replied, her voice getting higher and higher. Two could play that game.

"So it's my fault that I like Ginny and we can't snogg because of Ron's stupid rules of off-limit girls? Maybe you should ask him about them, because you were one of them! Ron can never keep a promise, and when a promise is broken, a promise is broken!" Harry was basically screaming by the time he finished. Hermione ran out of the room, tears streaming down her face. Harry felt something inside of him break, so he took off after her.
A small crowd had gathered by the time he ran down the Gryffindor staircase. He saw the portrait door close,and he figured that must've been Hermoine. Going out the portrait, he then saw her going out the huge double doors that led to the lake.

He saw her go by the waters edge, then, with a flash of green light, she collapsed.Running towards her, he saw another figure running towards the fallen Hermione. The figure emerged from the shadow, and Harry immediately recognized the figure who had just killed Hermione. It was Draco Malfoy. Harry's legs pumped even faster for the race to get to Hermione first.
Reaching Hermione first, he saw she wasn't breathing. He turned to Draco and put the freezing spell on him. That should hold him to the spot, while Harry can help Hermione.
He did all that he could do, without the use of magic. Harry was so sure there was nothing that could be done. Draco had performed the instant killing spell. Harry had a thought come to his mind. He had read a spell to bring Hermoine back to life in the Prince's Journal! Halfway through performing the spell, Harry was dangerously close to being hit with a jet of green light.
Draco was unfrozen.

Hey there!

First of all welcome to YWS. If you have any questions or need help with something feel free to PM me.

I edited the title of your post and removed the capital letters and excess punctuation. Caps are annoying and bothersome, so please try not to use them in your title. Thank you!

Hope you enjoy the site.

Hi

I couldn't find that many things to crit about but:

"No." he said to himself. She was off limits. Ron would kill him!

Wouldn't him be me because he is talking to himself?

Ron snogging Hermione!!

I doubt ron would be snogging hermoine right in the middle of the common room.

Going up the stairs to the boys rooms

Don't you mean dorms?

In the last paragraph wouldnt hermoine stop harry and wouldn't he be kissing ginny, that would make ron as angry.


This all seems a bit rushed into a tight amount of writing. Sorry for being harsh.


The spelling was fine and the paragraphs were well spaced.

Hey there!

I'm Wolf, as you might have realized. I haven't got the time for a very good critique right now -- this will just be some basic points.

"Harry, you're going to be late for quidditch practice, AGAIN!!", yelled Ron out side of Harry's window on broomstick.

Dialogue should be done like this: "Harry, you're going to be late for Quidditch practice, again!" yelled Ron, who was outside of Harry's window on a broomstick.

* point one: never use multiple exclamation points and/or question marks in literature. It's poor grammar.
* point two: you should have a capital Q in 'quidditch' (that's why I underlined it) because it's a foreign word.

"Hmm,whoa,whaaat? stuttered Harry as he stretched himself out of bed.

* point one: you need a space after commas. For example, "Hmm,whoa,whaaat?" should be: "Hmm, whoa, whaaat?"
*point two: you never closed the quotation marks; you need to do that. As in, putting " after 'whaaat?'

"What do you mean I'm going to... be.... LATE!!!!" he said after looking at his clock.

* point one: there needs to be a comma after 'mean'.
*point two: once again, please refrain from using multiple exclamation marks. And shouldn't it just be a question mark after 'LATE', since he's asking Ron something?
*point three: (this is personal preference) maybe 'said' should be 'asked' or 'inquired'?

Half-way there, he remembered his broom was in the Gryffendor common room.

*point one: 'Half-way' is one word -- halfway.
*point two: you spelled something wrong; 'Gryffendor' should be 'Gryffindor', I think.

[/quote]
"No." he said to himself.
[/quote]

*point one: the period after 'No' needs to be a comma; it should be: "No," he said to himself.

Then, he remembered that he was going to the common room for his broomstick.He'd gone all the way to the dining hall.

*point one: leave a space between a period and the start of a new sentence. There needs to be a space between 'broomstick.' and "He'd".

Finally getting his broom, he made his way over to the quidditch field where Angelina was giving practice drills.

*point one: needs to be a comma after 'field'.

"Why are you so late?" she demanded.
'Oh come off it Angelina. I'm late, big deal. It's not like it's the first time I've been late." Harry said.
"Yes Harry, exactly. It's not the first time you've been late! You're the only one on this team who's not taking Quidditch seriously!"Angelina said exasperatedly.
"Fine,it won't happen again." he said taking flight off of his broomstick.

*point one: when you use dialogue, you need to start a new

After Quidditch, he had a free period in the Gryffendor common room. Immediately, he saw Ginny working on her homework. Maybe he should go help her. No, she was off limits! Scoping the room, he saw people going on about their business. Fred and George making home-made dungbombs. The Quidditch team talking about drills. Then, he saw the one sight that made his blood boil. Ron snogging Hermione!! She was as off limits as Ginny!! Fine, he thought, if Ron was going to break the off-limits rule, so was he!! Going up the stairs to the boys rooms, he was planning revenge in his mind.

The next morning, as Ron was coming out of his room, Harry's plan was sprung into action. He found Hermione, then started passionately snogging her like there was no Potions! Ron nearly passed out! Yes, Harry thought! My plan worked. The only thing he hadn't planned on was Ginny standing right there watching with a blank expression.

Hey there!

I'm Wolf, as you might have realized. I haven't got the time for a very good critique right now -- this will just be some basic points.

"Harry, you're going to be late for quidditch practice, AGAIN!!", yelled Ron out side of Harry's window on broomstick.

Dialogue should be done like this: "Harry, you're going to be late for Quidditch practice, again!" yelled Ron, who was outside of Harry's window on a broomstick.

* point one: never use multiple exclamation points and/or question marks in literature. It's poor grammar.
* point two: you should have a capital Q in 'quidditch' (that's why I underlined it) because it's a foreign word.

"Hmm,whoa,whaaat? stuttered Harry as he stretched himself out of bed.

* point one: you need a space after commas. For example, "Hmm,whoa,whaaat?" should be: "Hmm, whoa, whaaat?"
*point two: you never closed the quotation marks; you need to do that. As in, putting " after 'whaaat?'

"What do you mean I'm going to... be.... LATE!!!!" he said after looking at his clock.

* point one: there needs to be a comma after 'mean'.
*point two: once again, please refrain from using multiple exclamation marks. And shouldn't it just be a question mark after 'LATE', since he's asking Ron something?
*point three: (this is personal preference) maybe 'said' should be 'asked' or 'inquired'?

Half-way there, he remembered his broom was in the Gryffendor common room.

*point one: 'Half-way' is one word -- halfway.
*point two: you spelled something wrong; 'Gryffendor' should be 'Gryffindor', I think.

[/quote]
"No." he said to himself.
[/quote]

*point one: the period after 'No' needs to be a comma; it should be: "No," he said to himself.

Then, he remembered that he was going to the common room for his broomstick.He'd gone all the way to the dining hall.

*point one: leave a space between a period and the start of a new sentence. There needs to be a space between 'broomstick.' and "He'd".

Finally getting his broom, he made his way over to the quidditch field where Angelina was giving practice drills.

*point one: needs to be a comma after 'field'.

"Why are you so late?" she demanded.
'Oh come off it Angelina. I'm late, big deal. It's not like it's the first time I've been late." Harry said.
"Yes Harry, exactly. It's not the first time you've been late! You're the only one on this team who's not taking Quidditch seriously!"Angelina said exasperatedly.
"Fine,it won't happen again." he said taking flight off of his broomstick.

*point one: when you use dialogue, you need to start a new paragraph, since you can't do indents on YWS.
*point two: I've underlined all the places where the period after your dialogue should be a comma.
*point three: the first time Harry speaks in this paragraph has a single quotation mark (before 'Oh') where it should be a double quotation mark.
*point four: the second time Angelina speaks in this paragraph needs to have a space between "seriously!" and 'Angelina'.

Ron snogging Hermione!! She was as off limits as Ginny!! Fine, he thought, if Ron was going to break the off-limits rule, so was he!!

*point one: please, please, don't use more than one exclamation mark.

***********

Overall? This is pretty bad, I'm sorry to say. Your grammar needs a lot of work -- I think I've pointed out all those problems already, but here's some things you need to do:
- fix the way you do your dialogue
- comb through it and get rid of all the extra exclamation point/question marks
- comb through it and capitalize the Q in 'Quidditch' every time you haven't now

I only did very basic, rudimentary grammar in this critique, but here are some things that the piece lacked:
- IMAGERY. I couldn't picture this in my mind at all. You'd do well to research some terms such as: metaphor, simile, adjective, adverb, figure of speech. The quality of the writing imagery-wise is very poor as it stands now.
- (feeding off imagery) SENSUAL DESCRIPTION. Use the five senses to make the reader feel like they're there with Harry. Make us smell the food in the Great Hall, show us in the morning sunlight on the Quidditch pitch, make us hear exactly how the wind sounds as it roars past Harry when he's on his broomstick.
- CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. We don't get a feel for the characters; I don't care about them now. Which isn't good. Check out the Character Development usergroup.

There's more areas in which this piece is lacking, but I'm short on time. I may come back later to further help with the things I've pointed out above, and then I'll move on to things like flow and pacing.

My general opinion: this wasn't well-written, nor was it interesting. It could become a decent piece of writing through your concerted effort, but it's pretty meek right ow. Work with it, and please feel free to PM me if you have any questions/comments.

I apologize for the harshness, but... well, I like to be honest in my critiques.

Happy Editing,
Camille xx

One question (I'll do a real critique later--I'll edit this post... but Wolf took care of everything I could find, mostly...)...

Why did Hermione let him 'snog' her?

Hey,

this was fairly good for a first post here. Since others have gone over the grammar I would like to add that the end is a bit abrupt.

I think it needs a little more development because the way I read it was she just happened to run out and get killed. With a little more detail and some revising this could be quite good.

So just keep up the good work,

Cait

There are a few grammer and spelling mistakes in the begginning, but the rest is fine. The last paragraph took me in and it was such as suspense. It had an explosive ending. I really enjoyed this story.
Keep up with the awesome work =]

Umm, I'm sorry to say, this was not well written.

You rushed too much in your story.
I also noticed the way, you showed us the insights of the characters and also their attitude was way off. I mean you are writing about character that are already known to your readers.
So I know Harry, Ron and Hermione. They don't sound and act the way you showed them. You need to work on you characters.

The emotions were rather abrupt in this story. Try and make the transactions of one emotion to another a bit smoother. There were only a few punctuation and grammar mistakes, nothing big.

Wolf has pretty much pointed out everything that I noticed.

Hope I wasn't too harsh!

As far as I can tell, everything has been pointed out to you I believe.
You could go through and edit some more things that have been pointed out to you now.

"Harry, you're going to be late for Quidditch practice, AGAIN!", yelled Ron out side of Harry's window on broomstick.The wing was blowing his broom everywhere!

Maybe that should be 'wind'?

I would like to see more imagery so I can get a good picture going in my head and feel more connected with the main character, Harry.

The story seemed a bit rush (remember this is my opinion) and moved rather quickly for my liking. Overall, it was good but not great. It's always a good habit to go through and re-read your work before posting, and do a spell check, ect. Well that's what works for me.

Keep writing though because you've got something going.

Wow! That was a good fan fiction story. I really enjoyed it. You seem to have been true to the characters. And the storyline was pretty well written. Nice work!

The sun was "brilliantly brilliant"? Brilliant.
Really, though, try to actually think like the characters do, so they seem real and not just 2 dimensional.

And just as general advice, perhaps try writing your own prose, rather than fan fiction, so you can get the feel of how to flesh out characters. Just a thought.

Cheers,
~Ed

Ok, obviously everybody has gone through most of the mistakes. I would like to say that this is quite good. Though it looks more like a draft to me - maybe you could go through it a couple of times just to check grammar and stuff. I also find it helps reading it out loud. You could also add more imagary ect. For instance:

Writing for love is a pas wrote:"Harry
After Quidditch, he had a free period in the Gryffindor common room. Immediately, he saw Ginny working on her homework. She had a stained expression on her face, like she was having trouble. Maybe he should go help her. No, she was off limits! Scoping the room, he saw people going on about their business. Fred and George Weasly making home-made dungbombs. The Quidditch team talking about flight pattern and drills. Then, he saw the one sight that made his blood boil. Ron snogging Hermione! She was as off limits as Ginny! Fine, he thought, if Ron was going to break the off-limits rule, so was he! Going up the stairs to the boys dorms, he was planning revenge in his mind.

.

In this paragraph you have some nice moments. I like 'Scoping the room' and the rest is ok. But I personally think that you let your self down with 'Ron snogging hermione'. Maybe you could have introduced this more slowly. Maybe not actually using the word snogging - just hinting it. If you know what I mean.

But don't feel it's awful because it's not. I can tell - because you have nice moments - you can write better than that. You just need to proof read, practice and include more images.

"What do you mean I'm going to... be.... LATE?" he said after looking at his clock.

"Oh crap! Not again! They're going to kill me!"he moaned.

Quickly grabbing his clothes and quidditch robes, he set off for the playing field.The sunshine was brilliantly bright. Halfway there, he remembered his broom was in the Gryffindor common room. Running back, he silently thought about Ginny.

"No," he said to himself. She was off limits. Ron would kill him!

"

Why are you so late?" she demanded.

"Oh come off it Angelina. I'm late, big deal. It's not like it's the first time I've been late." Harry said.

"Yes Harry, exactly. It's not the first time you've been late! You're the only one on this team who's not taking Quidditch seriously! "Angelina said exasperatedly.
"Fine,it won't happen again." he said taking flight off of his broomstick. The roar of the wind washed away his anger.

So I guess they point I'm trying to make is that you said "said".

A lot. [which is kind of a pet peeve for me]

And "said", to me, sounds like dead word in this work. Yes, you can use "said", but the dialouge certainly won't be as interesting as it could be.

For example:

What do you mean I'm going to... be.... LATE?" he said after looking at his clock.

Instead if using said, the whole dialouge could be rearranged to sound more interesting. I understand that you are trying to convey that as he is saying this, he realizes, yes he IS going to be late, but you could use a break in teh middle of the quote to add interest and convey this more clearly. For example:

'What do you mean I'm going to... be....' Harry's eyes widened as he glanced at his clock. "LATE!"

Generally, breaks add more interest and keep readers intrigued.

Also, whenever possible, NEVER USE "SAID". When you are reading a story,
it is one of teh most boring things you can see. Really.

There is, however, a remedy:

The most amazing topic in the help section. Seriously : http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=19450

Hope I helped!