Reverting-Part 1

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Jaresh peeked through the tiny gap in his curtains, looking out of his window and into the square. The statue of the Warlock, Froll, stood towering above the buildings as usual, casting a withering glare over those who crossed his immeasurable shadow. Froll was the last Warlock, the one who had founded the basis of Elvin philosophy, who had been imperative in constructing their modern way of life, who had discovered this place, now the Elves’ home. It was he who had given his life’s core in order to surround the Refuge, as they called it, to protect his people and their remarkable power. He did his duty, committed his every part to the highest good, and, most importantly in this culture, he gave his life for the sake of his kind. He was what the Elves stood for; in fact he was the reason that they still existed to stand for anything.

So why was it that as Jaresh stood staring at Froll’s figure he felt a strange sense of foreboding? It was always like this when he got in trouble. He’d receive the same speech from his mother that he heard every time. He’d be forced to attend an additional Psychological Structure Inductive study course for yet another semester. That was just what he needed- a fatiguing study group to subject him to every psychosomatic test they could think of, probing his mind and behavioral missteps, trying to uncover the secret to his peace-breaking mentality, and how to cure him of trouble-making. He grunted softly, humorlessly. Everything is a study to them, he thought.

Jaresh sighed and allowed the curtain to slip back into place, so that even the tiny shaft of light that had shone through was now gone. He paced beside his bookshelf, letting his eyes wander over the books, whose covers were so worn that there was despairingly little left of them. He tried to decide which would best soothe his mother’s disgruntled temper when she called for him; she loved to see him reading. All of Jaresh’s books had been picked apart and pored over, leaving him abuzz with intellectual activity. Many people said it was the only semi-average thing about him, though even an ordinary thing like reading became unnatural where Jaresh was concerned, because instead of reading a healthy amount of say, a book a week, he read to excess, so that there was not a book in his village that he hadn’t read countless times. Jaresh didn’t read books; rather he consumed them. Above all others, it was his sister, Thara, who found his recurring strange habits irritating.

Yes, Jaresh’s reading abilities did little to avert suspicion, and only managed to add to his peculiarity.
He jumped slightly, interrupted in his thoughts by a knock at the door. His sister, Thara, entered quietly and placed herself gracefully on the bed.
"What have you done this time?" she asked. Jaresh grimaced and turned back to the window.
"It was nothing," he muttered.
"Surely you're being modest. You didn't set light to anything?"
"Of course not," he snorted, turned to face her again, and finished reluctantly, "I didn't actually set light to anything. Only told a Professor that someone else had."
"And why would you do that, Jaresh?"
"The topic of discussion was incorrigable."
"Meaning?"
He sighed, "I was bored out of my mind."
"Jaresh, you cannot lead yourself down this path. You realize you do nothing for yourself through these pranks, only cause more trouble for yourself." Thara's eyes saddened, and she broke eye contact. "I fear," she said, "that you will hurt yourself more than you believe." Jaresh couldn't help hut believe her, but he doubted there was anything he could do to save himself. He could not change the way he was made.

As I have attempted to establish, Jaresh was not like other Elves. When the others spoke up, he chose to sulk silently in a corner. He became excessively cheerful at solemn occasions, such as the funeral of his Aunt Gett’laire (it was not his Aunt’s passing he found humorous, it was the way in which it was received by the family. He found it odd that the very people who claimed to find fulfillment in “moving on to the outer rims of sentiency” were disgusted by the fact of Aunt Gett’laire’s physical body having to be disposed of. He was actually quite fond of his Aunt, but she had reassured him many times that she had no doubts about where her spirit would journey to). While many were content to accept the words of their professors, no matter how absurd or astonishing they were, Jaresh analyzed every sentence spoken to him, attempting to find reason in what he considered a conflicting and bewildering world. Words spoken by someone with an educational degree were divinity to their student’s minds. A teacher could tell his pupil that rubbing poison ivy in his own eyes was a logical and rational thing to do, and the pupil would nod enthusiastically, swooning with admiration.

But by far the greatest difference between Jaresh and the vast majority of the Elvin population was that Jaresh enjoyed shocking people. Elves have always been amiable and unadventurous, polite and cordial to the core, uninterested in exploring anything but the far corners of the mind. They found pleasure in a dry discussion of the exotic manner of the common housefly when under the influence of noxious gases.
Jaresh, however, was excited about new possibilities and more than anything he loved playing pranks on people. He enjoyed watching the stony, grave expression on a Grand Elder’s face crease into a rigid frown as Jaresh began to publicly recite poetry (written by himself) to the only girl he found at all appealing, who happened to be in his Ancient Literature class. This unashamed display of his feelings (which were always meant to be repressed, as emotion interrupts logical reasoning) was highly discouraged. In fact, it was so disconcerting to the Grand Elders that Jaresh was made the primary subject of a community examination of the troubled mind. Normally Jaresh would have been flattered to have a chance to prove to his people just how different he was, but in this exclusive assessment, he was not allowed to move, nor was he allowed to speak unless asked a specific question, and even then he was permitted only the simplest answer.

He was interrupted in his reminisce by the sound of his mother calling to him from her lounge. He snatched up a first-edition copy of Martle’s Fundamental Character Analysis (it was a gift from his belated father, along with its’ companion, the Character Synthesis) and ran out of his room, down the passage, across the hall, and over to the lounge. He knocked softly, and prepared to meet his fate.

◊◊◊

After a grueling conversation with his mother, and a swift kiss and soft “goodbye” whispered in his ear from Thara, Jaresh was surprised to find himself standing on what was formerly his front step, with a small pack on his back, a cloak slung around his shoulders, cane in hand and a small pouch of gold hidden on a cord tied around his neck. The door closed tightly with a rap behind him. He stared out into the world before him, suddenly a strange, threatening place. Before the world had been safe territory, where he was able to sit on his high horse and criticize the rest of the world for being less fortunate than he; it was a land filled with mysteries that he intended to solve, puzzles he could decipher, codes he could crack. Life had been a game, and he had been the chief player. But now as he opened new eyes to the world he saw something very different: a frightening, forbidding place, somewhere he was not welcome. The world was no longer his oyster, and if it was he no longer possessed the tools to open it.

Jaresh was no longer the propitious son of a wealthy widow who had been endowed with property and money; he was the renegade son of an unfortunate woman who had wasted her money trying to fix him up.

He had been disowned. Pushed away, denied, disclaimed, or rejected: no matter how you worded it, it still meant the end for Jaresh. And the worst part of his demise was that it was entirely his fault. Since his father’s death he had pushed his mother to the edge of sanity. He had done everything in his power to cause trouble and difficulty for her, not intentionally to wound her, but to get attention in one form or another. Well, he had finally gotten not only what he deserved, but also what he had always acted like he wanted: the chance to be a free spirit, a suffering artist, and an independent wanderer. His mother had said that she no longer wanted to bind him to the responsibility that he so obviously disdained, or the duties that he constantly shirked. He was free from that life now, and he wasn’t quite sure that he liked that fact.

He sighed and walked down the steps that were no longer his; past a fountain he could not call his own, and strode around a tree that he realized he might never see again. He turned despondently and faced the building that was his home no more. Then, with another sigh, he turned back and walked away.[/pre]
Last edited by RandomGrrl on Mon Apr 07, 2008 8:49 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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He paced along beside his bookshelf, letting his eyes wander over the shelves of books,

I'd get rid of 'along' and 'shelves of'. It works better.

Other than that, this was basically a giant info dump. Now I personally didn't mind, but I'm one of the few that don't mind that too much, although, many do. You told us a bunch of stuff that sidetracked from the story. What you should do is find a way to give us this information as the story progresses.

Also, I think you should show us the conversation going between this guy and his mom. This will give us a chance to see her in the story and let us know her and whatever other family is present. I strongly advise this if the mom or other family members come back into the story later. This, however, isn't too important. Just a suggestion.

Other than all that stuff, I liked it. With my knack for easily reading info dumping, I learned what I needed and am now interested. You're style is also great and you connect words quite well. Overall, pretty good job.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.




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Hey. Overall, this was very well-written. However, I found myself bored because there was so much narrative. I would suggest dialogue, helpful descriptions, less details. You don't have to tell us his life story right in the beginning. You CAN have more additions. Try telling us most of what you've told us in this part gradually throughout, so we're not so overwhelmed.

But it's an interesting idea. Keep writing.




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Thanks so much for the helpful advice! I certainly don't want to bore people... Please look out for the next sections, as they get better! I did add some dialogue with a character that will return later in the story, however dialogue is definitely not my strong point- and narrative is. If you see any other adjustments you thik this section would benefit from, please comment! RandomGrrl




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Jaresh, you cannot lead yourself down this path. You realize you do nothing for yourself through these pranks, only cause more trouble for yourself," Thara's eyes saddened, and she broke eye contact.

Period at the end of the dialogue.

Yeah, it was a giant info-dump, and a lot of people get bored reading that kind of thing, but for those who would enjoy reading such a thing, it was good. It wasn't overtold, or too repetitive, and my only negative comment would be that there was little to no story actually involved in most of the narrative.

If dialogue isn't your strong point, there are ways to have a good narrative and still tell a good story. Try reading Sarah Dessen, because she has the best of both worlds. This Lullaby would be the best example of what I'm talking about. If you're not so into general teen-lit, try Grapes of Wrath, it it also mostly narrative, but tells a story while doing so.

Keep up the good work, I'll be back to see the next few parts as soon as I can.
-JC
But that is not the question. Why we are here, that is the question. And we are blessed in this, that we happen to know the answer. Yes, in this immense confusion one thing alone is clear. We are waiting for Godot to come. -Beckett




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Thanks. I fixed that mistake in the punctuation.
I think I'm just going to go with my gut and leave it that way, even if it only appeals to those who don't mind a bit of dumping... Obviously this story will have to be restrained to a particular audience. Perhaps my next one... (which so far I am liking more). I've finished posting this, by the way. Once more, thanks for the help ( and the recommendations)!




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Nit-Picks

Jaresh peeked through the tiny gap in his curtains, looking out of his window and into the square. The statue of the Warlock, Froll, stood towering above the buildings as usual, casting a withering glare over those who crossed his immeasurable shadow. Froll was the last Warlock, the one who had founded the basis of Elvin philosophy, who had been imperative in constructing their modern way of life, who had discovered this place, now the Elves’ home. It was he who had given his life’s core in order to surround the Refuge, as they called it, to protect his people and their remarkable power. He did his duty, committed his every part to the highest good, and, most importantly in this culture, he gave his life for the sake of his kind. He was what the Elves stood for; in fact he was the reason that they still existed to stand for anything.

Info-dump much? It’s actually not a very bad info-dump, but it makes me forget about Jaresh. Make me see him first, and realize what he’s doing. Don’t just forget about the MC.

He’d be forced to attend an additional Psychological Structure Inductive study course for yet another semester.

Is that his punishment or what? Make it a bit more clear.

Everything is a study to them, he thought.

Italicize thoughts.

Jaresh sighed and allowed the curtain to slip back into place[s],[/s] so that even the tiny shaft of light that had shone through was now gone.

Well, obviously. That’s what putting a curtain back does.

He jumped slightly, interrupted in his thoughts by a knock at the door. His sister, Thara, entered quietly and placed herself gracefully on the bed.

We already know she’s his sister – just say her name.

"The topic of discussion was [s]incorrigable[/s]incorrigible."

He sighed.[s],[/s] "I was bored out of my mind."

Jaresh couldn't help [s]h[/s]but believe her, [s]but [/s]yet he doubted there was anything he could do to save himself.

As I have attempted to establish, Jaresh was not like other Elves. When the others spoke up, he chose to sulk silently in a corner. He became excessively cheerful at solemn occasions, such as the funeral of his Aunt Gett’laire (it was not his Aunt’s passing he found humorous, it was the way in which it was received by the family. He found it odd that the very people who claimed to find fulfillment in “moving on to the outer rims of sentiency” were disgusted by the fact of Aunt Gett’laire’s physical body having to be disposed of. He was actually quite fond of his Aunt, but she had reassured him many times that she had no doubts about where her spirit would journey to). While many were content to accept the words of their professors, no matter how absurd or astonishing they were, Jaresh analyzed every sentence spoken to him, attempting to find reason in what he considered a conflicting and bewildering world. Words spoken by someone with an educational degree were divinity to their student’s minds. A teacher could tell his pupil that rubbing poison ivy in his own eyes was a logical and rational thing to do, and the pupil would nod enthusiastically, swooning with admiration.

But by far the greatest difference between Jaresh and the vast majority of the Elvin population was that Jaresh enjoyed shocking people. Elves have always been amiable and unadventurous, polite and cordial to the core, uninterested in exploring anything but the far corners of the mind. They found pleasure in a dry discussion of the exotic manner of the common housefly when under the influence of noxious gases.

Jaresh, however, was excited about new possibilities and more than anything he loved playing pranks on people. He enjoyed watching the stony, grave expression on a Grand Elder’s face crease into a rigid frown as Jaresh began to publicly recite poetry (written by himself) to the only girl he found at all appealing, who happened to be in his Ancient Literature class. This unashamed display of his feelings (which were always meant to be repressed, as emotion interrupts logical reasoning) was highly discouraged. In fact, it was so disconcerting to the Grand Elders that Jaresh was made the primary subject of a community examination of the troubled mind. Normally Jaresh would have been flattered to have a chance to prove to his people just how different he was, but in this exclusive assessment[s],[/s] he was not allowed to move, nor was he allowed to speak unless asked a specific question, and even then he was permitted only the simplest answer.

Ew much?

I see your responses, and you wanted the info-dump, so I shall try to talk you out of it.

Yes, it is written well. Yes, it is interesting. No, it is not need.

It comes down to telling vs. showing. Show us these behaviors! Maybe he has romantic poetry strewn about on his desk, or romance novels on his bookcase. Maybe his mother, while yelling at him, says that his professor said something, and he dissects that. Show us everything, don’t tell us.

In stores, people read a few pages to see if they like it. If I read that, I would put it down. You are lecturing me – why not show me?

At the very least, ditch the 'as I have tried to establish.'

◊◊◊

You just threw away an amazing chance to show.

Show us the fight! Let us see the MC’s personality. Let us see his relation with him family. Let us see why he is being sent away, and make it so you can ditch the pages of telling above.

After a grueling conversation with his mother, and a swift kiss and soft “goodbye” whispered in his ear from Thara, Jaresh was surprised to find himself standing on what was formerly his front step, with a small pack on his back, a cloak slung around his shoulders, cane in hand and a small pouch of gold hidden on a cord tied around his neck.

Long sentence. Anyway to split it up a bit?

He sighed and walked down the steps that were no longer his[s]; [/s], past a fountain he could not call his own, and strode around a tree that he realized he might never see again.

Overall Comments

All I can say is what I keep telling you: add details!

You just told us they were Elves, but why should I believe you? What’s they’re house look like? Is it different at all? What’s the world outside look like?

You don’t need to describe everything down to the last leaf, but you do need to set the atmosphere. Let us feel the cramped room, the cool air, the heat of the setting sun. Anything that’s big. The first things we would notice, things that automatically paint a picture in our heads. We can fill in the unimportant details.

Good start. :)

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415



Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.
— Rumi