a small tear

there sat a girl crying
on those cold stone steps
nobody cared what happened to her.
but nobody knows what was next.
she climbed upon the cliff top.
her hair radiant brown
she thought of nothing in her life and threw her self down.
her mother had ignored her
her dad was never there
she'd felt that there was no-one in the world left to care
if only someone had listened to her sorrows there
maybe she wouldn't have gone away
maybe she would have shared.
a brilliant life she would have had.
but there was the world so cold
nobody helped her young and old
so may this be a lesson to you
do what your heart says
help those near you.

Hi! Welcome to the YWS! Please check your poems for simple spelling, capitalization, and grammar before you post them. The same rules apply to poetry as to prose. There were a few silly mistakes here that could easily be avoided with a simple read through.

"she thought nothing of her life and threw (not through) herself (one word, not two) down."

"her dad was almost never there" I find the "almost" uneccesary and it makes the rhythm awkward.

"she'd felt that..." (Not "she;d")



Alright, as far as the rest of this goes... it's alright. It's a good first attempt at poetry. But sometimes you rhyme, sometimes you don't. Be consistent! And you seem to be attempting rhythm, but it's not coming out right. Remember, all poetry doesn't HAVE to rhyme or have meter (rhythm). There is a form called free-verse, which is actually the most common form of poetry, where there is no rhyme or meter at all. You'll find that most members use free-verse. For content, this is pretty cliche, meaning we've heard this all before. Try to be more original with what you're showing us in your poem.

Don't get me wrong. I think you've got some serious talent here, and with some development, you could become a great poet! Just listen to the adive people give you here, they (mostly) know what they're talking about. You don't have to use EVERY suggestion given to you, and don't take things too personally. We're all here to help each other improve! I hope you stick around. Keep writing!

~Yoyo

Hey there! Welcome To YWS.

I liked this poem. It had good imagery and the emotions well brought out.

Now there were a few errors and that's why I'm here so I can point them out for you.

Let me first off point out the rhyming scheme that you've going on here. I'm not so sure it's working out. Or err.. do you have a rhyming thing going on?

I've underline everything that noticed a little off with your poem. Will explain the underlined parts.

there sat a girl crying
on those cold stone steps
nobody cares* what happened to her.
but nobody knows what was next.
she climbed upon the cliff top.
her hair radiant brown
she thought of nothing in her life and through** her self down.
her mother had ignored her
her dad was almost never*** there
she;d felt that there was no-one in the world left to care
if only someone had listened to her sorrows there****
maybe she wouldn't have gone away
maybe she would have shared.*****
a brilliant life she would have had.
but there was the world so cold
nobody helped her young and old******
so may this be a lesson to you
do what your heart they says******
help those near you.

* -You've kinda got you tenses mixed up. I think it would read better if it was 'cared' instead of 'cares'

** -It's threw, the kind that you are talking about. Not through. Yea it can be confusing sometimes.

*** -almost never? The combination of those two words doesn't really work. To tell you the truth they are rather opposites. Maybe you could leave out the almost, it would still work. I mean we'd still get the message of him being never there.

**** - Are you trying to rhyme it with Care. I think either you follow a pattern while you rhyme your words. Don't just chose whenever you wish to rhyme as you have here. Besides you have already used 'there previously'. And in this line it seems rather unnecessary. You know what you don't always have to rhyme in poetry. Just don't try and make this rhyme, write it without the rhyming. It would work better that way.

*****-you just stopped at shared. Shared what? This world? Explain. You left me hanging. Since we're not going to rhyme this poem anymore, try and see if you properly explain.

******- How about young OR old? instead of Young AND Old.

*******- Do you mean 'Do what your heart says?

Again, I highly recommend that you back and change the words you've added to this poem just so that it would rhyme. Trying to make the poem rhyme is diminishing its effect.

It great that you've written about suicide. Sometimes a person really needs a heart to heart talk with someone.

Keep writing, Keep Posting
-Icy

PM me if you have any questions at all.