Stop and Smile

Something I wrote a while back. Thought I'd post here and see what people think

Stop and Smile.

I have but a sack on my back,
And a branch for my cane.
I limp around the streets,
They all ignore me,
because I'm old,
And ugly.
They stay away from me
Because I collect garbage.
They think it's dangerous
and that I'll harm their kids.
I'm not allowed to smile at a child,
Not allowed to say hello
to a person waiting for a bus.
I am to mind my business and collect my garbage,
because they think
thats what old ugly men are for.
Day by day,
I yearn more and more
for a simple smile.
So when you see me
Around your street
Stop
And smile.

mizz-iceberg wrote:Something I wrote a while back. Thought I'd post here and see what people think

Stop and Smile.

I have but a sack on my back,
And a branch for my cane.
I limp around the streets,
They all ignore me,
because I'm old,
And ugly.
They stay away from me
Because I collect garbage.
They think it's dangerous
and that I'll harm their kids.
I'm not allowed to smile at a child,
Not allowed to say hello
to a person waiting for a bus.
I am to mind my business and collect my garbage,
because they think
thats what old ugly men are for.
Day by day,
I yearn more and more
for a simple smile.
So when you see me
Around your street
Stop
And smile.

thats what old ugly men are for.

that's is the correct term for it. I really liked how you portrayed an old homeless man. I think that you should say he's homeless as well in it besides having the reader figure it out. I hope this helps!

-Rick

Awww. That was sad. If I see him, I would be gladly to smile. I don't really care how someone looks. If they're nice to me, I will talk to them regardless. Nice poem, keep it up.

Awww, this was rather depressing...
I loved it.
Hah!

Hey there

I shall follow the tradition and repeat that word (that still isn't in the dictionary).

Awww!

Personally I disagree with Rick. I think the fact that you haven't told us he's homeless helps to build up a character and turn them into a person instead of giving the reader a stereotype to work with.

"I'm not allowed to smile at a child," - I love this line, the use of 'not allowed' makes it seem almost like a crime, it puts the suppression into perspective.

This is a brilliant poem. Nice work

This is very sad, I do like how you took something very few people payed attention to and put a little light on it.

I am glad you decided to describe him, instead of saying, hey there's an old guy! He's sad. You told us about the old man, and brought out emotions in your reader, which is very good. You created a connection between reader and subject, and I for one really enjoyed this.

I say very well done.

I really like this poem because i've honestly never thought about it that way before.
I think this is really good.
Next time i will stop and smile.

blacktiger3915 wrote:Awww. That was sad. If I see him, I would be gladly to smile. I don't really care how someone looks. If they're nice to me, I will talk to them regardless. Nice poem, keep it up.

nahh, you'd probably just poke them in the eyes!
________
"because I'm old,
And ugly."
i would change this to one line.
other than that, i would also say to play around with the way you arranged your poem. for example,
"thats what old ugly men are for.
Day by day,..."

or you could say...

"that's what old ugly men
are for. Day by day,..."

Mizz, this is just too telly. You have an idea making us try to relate but what this comes off as is just someone trying to preach to the readers, you don't gain sympathy since you don't make us feel anything. Show us his description, or make us feel it.

Overall: I reckon you could clean this up greatly but I suggest reading this poem by Lawrence Ferlinghetti Two Scavengers in a Truck, Two Beautiful People in a Mercedes. And try and see how he does it. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

Vernon, you're hard to please!

I can see what you mean by showing versus telling here but I do think I got the emotions across quite well.

You have an idea making us try to relate but what this comes off as is just someone trying to preach to the readers, you don't gain sympathy since you don't make us feel anything.

I disagree, I think I DID make my reader feel. Read the comments before. I think I get the emotions across quite well. But I guess it wasn't good enough to make you feel.

But I've noticed you're hard to please:D

Personally, I like the way the poem is. But thanks for your opinion anyways.
I'll be sure to give extra attention on showing versus telling in my poems.

What a very nice perspective! I love the idea and the ending.
As others have said, it's great that you just didn't come right out and say, "hey, it's a homeless guy!" I enjoyed figuring out for myself and really listening to his feelings. That was a very nice effect. You potrayed the character to the tee.
I promise to smile next time!

I agree with Vernon in some parts, but I really liked the idea of this. It wasn't too short nor too long, either.

I, too, will smile to him.