Kitty's NaPoWriMo Thread

#4's layout was a little distracting to me, so it took me a few times to reread it and figure out what the poem was actually saying. The others were great, though. Some of the lines did seem forced to rhyme, but it's overall good.
~MV

Thank you, Jas and midnight.

I'm just going to go ahead and post this. I have written a few more over the last few days but I hate them all but in order to not fall too far behind, I've selected the one I hate least:

#5. Rainbows and Kaleidescopes

The sun darts through the air,
scattering rainbows and kaleidescopes,
as if to prove the rain can hold no substance
against her strength.
The young mother smiles.
She recalls that feeling of naive invincibility.

The mother waves her hand back and forth,
shattering rainbows and kaleidescopes.
"Look," she says, "you have no substance."
Her laughter is bitter; mocking.

The sun catches her hair,
spinning a golden spider-web
of oppression.
The heat makes her head fuzzy and
she is blinded by sweat.
Into the cool lake the young mother dives.

Light probes across the surface
but the body is too deep.
Power is reversed;
only the infantile rain may
reach her now.

____________________
It has no real ending so help there would be appreciated. i think the repitition of that phrase should be changed? Needs more imagery? Needs scrapping? I am going to try and catch up but it may take some time.

Hmmm....I dunno Kit. I almost didn't read this because the title was putting me off, so I'd take a look at that. It feels a little bit like prose to me...maybe try reading it aloud. (Seriously, that needs to go down as my quote. I doubt I say anything around here as much as "try reading this aloud.")

I'm not sure about;
"darts through the air,
scattering rainbows and kaleidescopes,"
but bear in mind this is most likely because of my aversion to happy writing, so you should probably ignore me!

I really like;

"as if to prove the rain can hold no substance
against her strength.
The young mother smiles.
She recalls that feeling of naive invincibility".

The second stanza is brilliant. I love those four lines the most.

I also really like;
"The sun catches her hair,
spinning a golden spider-web
of oppression."

I'd cut "across" as I don't think you need it. I love the last two lines. They're really chilling. Hope this helps.

Jas

#6. Apples:

those pulsating spheres
that hold the universe within
their crisp, smooth shells.
Bite through to the core
of our planet and
sample such sweet sensibility.

The apple tree stands solo
amongst the stars.
People climb, branch by branch,
bruise after bruise after bruise
until they can reach out,
snatch the apple; snap the twig.

They have it and with their
borrowed wisdom,
they grow careless
of the other fruits.
They retreat, regress
along the branches,
kicking apples to the

ground. They land.
They bleed. They gather
bruise after bruise after bruise.
Children run to pick them up
and gaze at the damaged dregs
of divinity.
Such is the success of star-gazers.

As a whole, I think this is a really unique concept, well expressed. I love the first staza, especially the perfect sibillance of the last line.

I think I'd change "bruise after bruise after bruise" to "and bruise by bruise." I think that the hint of the echo would be a nice touch. Again, I love the last line here. It's very powerful.

I think you're telling too much in the next stanza e.g;
"They have it and with their
borrowed wisdom,
they grow careless".

I like;
"and gaze at the damaged dregs
of divinity,"
but I also think there's a little too much narration in this last stanza, and that the last line is a tad flimsy.

A great idea, with some lovely imagery and a great flow. Hope this helps. Good luck with the rest of them.

*gapes* Heather, you wonderful creature! You just critiqued all 19 poems I've written this month and...and...

So I feel really guilty about not being active in other people's NaPoWriMo poems. But, umm, I'm going to stop babbling and give you an in-depth critique on #6.

Meaning. You've got the right amount of subtlety when it comes to the message in this poem, but I think you have too many words getting in the way. I suppose there's a fine line one walks between directness and subtlety in that--you can't be confused about what the poem is saying, and each part of the poem should contribute to that, but you can't blurt it out. The last two stanzas do this much better than the first two. S1 and S2 seem to create the context, the imaginary scenario that is the subject of analysis in S3 and S4, but I'm not even sure S1 is necessary. I could easily see you cutting it.

Imagery. You could employ this more--or at least more productively--in this poem because the scene you're talking about is imaginary.
The setting you've created to convey your larger idea, with the apple tree and the people who climb it, is meant to be an obvious allegory, not a single apple, but the embodiment of a more abstract idea, one that was created for this purpose, as opposed to, say, the observation I made of the bird's nest in my poem for the eighteenth. Where mine was drawing on something that is plausibly "there", yours is trying to say something and creates this broader quasi-visual representation to service that. You can make it work, and you have some good imagery, but it could use some work.
Here are some examples:

Bite through to the core
of our planet

I disliked this one. It sounds cool, but I don't think it aids the poem much. I dub it fluff.

The apple tree stands solo
amongst the stars.

This image could show me more. I see in my mind's eye sort of the silhouette of an tree with a starry sky in the background, but I don't know if this is what you were going for.

Children run to pick them up
and gaze at the damaged dregs
of divinity.

I don't know what the heck to make of that. While "damaged dregs/of divinity" is very neat, it does not make for a thoughtful picture to accompany the analytical view of the phrase.

Diction.

those pulsating spheres
that hold the universe within
their crisp, smooth shells.

I don't much care for the word "pulsating" in any context. As I've said before, I think it's quite possible to nix the entire first stanza.
"universe" I would change to "world"--I think it sounds better, especially here.
"crisp" and "smooth" are well-chosen.

The apple tree stands solo
amongst the stars.

I would change it to "alone/against". That fits the image I described before under Imagery...but still, I'm not sure what you were going for.

People climb, branch by branch,
bruise after bruise after bruise

This (and the other "bruise after bruise after bruise" I would rephrase:
People climb, branch by branch;
they bruise and bruise and bruise

They have it and with their
borrowed wisdom,
they grow careless
of the other fruits.
They retreat, regress
along the branches,
kicking apples to the

ground.

Very good; your best stanza (and its tail?). I approve of the words "retreat" and "regress" together; I think their slightly different meanings make a lot of sense for this poem. And "grow". Pretty sweet.

They land.

They fall, perhaps? I'd like "fall" better than "land".

Alliteration/Other Devices. I particularly like the branches and bruises in S2, but the "sample such sweet sensibility" and "damaged dregs of divinity" and other such examples seem to be more in the way of the poem, almost as if you were trying too hard to write them.

Speaker. There isn't one, obviously; I don't know what to make of the poem being in third person. I wonder if it might be more effective in the first person plural, i.e. "we" rather than "they". I'd like for you to preserve the passive, flat tone of the poem, but try to say "we"--I think that as its a reflection on humanity itself, "we" might be more appropriate or thought-provoking and personal.

Good luck with the rest of April!
-Colleen

Your critique on a single poem far surpasses the little thoughts and comments I wrote for yours. Thank you so much =)

I don't think I like this next one very much but then, I haven't been able to write one I absolutely adore yet...

#7. The Hermit

The last man that I met was strange
now that I think of it:
his clothes were sewn of bath-foam clouds,
rotating and opaque.

His head was turned away from me;
his hair a heavy screen,
of inky eels and sea-weed strands -
a mix of black and green.

He did not speak but I expect
his voice would sound like sand;
a gritty trickle of fine words
to spread across the land. (alternate line of 'to match his sea-shell hand.' Which is best?)

This reclusive, sea-side hermit
had made the Earth his bed.
I climbed across his daggered back
to reach my home, my shed.

_______________
The ending is dreadfully weak and the poem feels a little icky and it really didn't turn out how I imagined. For instance, no one gets killed (originally the title was 'The last man that I killed' but playing with the common metre was fun.
________________
This next is just a joke and the first part is purposefully messed up XD

#8. To my History Teacher...

The Victor vitiates the Victory
or so they say.
They; those who
look beyond our written artifacts,
into mutilated memory, ravaged ruins
and crumbling crevices of time.

They do not realise that what they
rectify is as much the truth
as its replacement; as much a lie.

It is history that writes itself
through us,
transgresses past our hands and onto
present paper
to form a future document.

Therefore, if History writes itself
there is no need that we write history.
That, sir, is why I don't have your essay.

Is my introduction not dramatic, sir?
Is my arguement not strong?
And the conclusion quite concise, sir?
Then what have I done wrong?

__________________________
I'm thinking scratch the last stanza and hand it in to John next time I have an essay due

See, only behind by eleven poems now. Lol.

7:

I think that the beginning is a little week. Maybe reduce the narrator's presence and do a sort of close up of the man by way of introduction. I love;
"his clothes were sewn of bath-foam clouds."

The second stanza is great. It flows well, the rhyme is good, and I likve teh imagery, especially;
"of inky eels and sea-weed strands -
a mix of black and green."

I love;
"He did not speak but I expect
his voice would sound like sand;"

I think the alternate line is better, but, to be honest, I'm not sure either are quite right- the first is a little too sweet and easy, and "spread" seems wrong-I can't see him spreading his words...and I'm not sure how much sense the other line makes, though it's much fresher...hmmm...let me think...band, banned, canned, fanned, hand, land, manned, panned, stand...nope, I got nothing...I'll just have to leave it with ya!

To be honest, I'd scrap the last verse and do it over. The ending sounds forced, and it's just not as strong as it could be. Maybe try describing his last action before he left you or you left him, and then maybe some abstract allusion to your resulting emotions?

I really don't think this is anywhere near as bad as you seem to think it is. I am, however, intrigued, by your original title. Maybe try using that later this month. I think it could be really interesting.

8;

This is very good, Kit. I can't fault it until the last line of the fourth stanza. I think it gets too colloquial from here, and the tone shift doesn't do much for it.

It could be interesting to take the last verse and build a new poem around it, one more light-hearted and befitting of the tone.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Well now, I’ve been so remiss, reading all your poems but not taking the time to comment! I’m shocking. So! Here we go. ^^

#3. Past Affairs (Edited)

Something jars in the final stanza. I don’t think I like “awaken anyway” – there’s something in the sound of it that clicks at me, you know? But all in all, I think this is fairly awesome. I love the feel of it all, and your final line is perfect, really.

I love the subject matter and the way you’ve set it out, particularly;

“I’m going to miss the dog. A shame, that”

Awesome. ^^

#4. Nightmares

Okay. I love this. Really. The structure of it, the movement and the lovely circular nature of the poem are just done so well. The repeated lines shook me for a second, but once I understood what you were doing, it just hit all the more, I think that you’ve done well with this.

I agree with Jasmine about “where any spoken word has not been said.” But I think that may just be how I’m saying it in my head. ^^

It’s an interesting topic, though it didn’t keep me engaged fully, it really was such an interestingly delicious read.

#5. Rainbows and Kaleidescopes

Oh you have some beautiful imagery here, and I so adore the idea of the sun, rain and kaleidoscopes! (there seems to be alternate spellings for the word, how odd o.O) I’m not sure I like the repeated line, and I think you have a few lines that could stand to go, such as

“against her strength” – 1st stanza (superfluous, I think.)

“of oppression” – 3rd stanza (I’m debating this as I type, I’m not sure I think it should go, but I’m not sure it should stay either. Troublesome.)

“Power is reversed” - 4th stanza (I think this line leads the reader, and the poem doesn’t need it, at all.)

There’s something about “Into the cool lake the young mother dives.” That gets to me, but I’m not sure what. Perhaps a mere “she dives” would suffice? Leaves some mystery, and a little more atmosphere. I’m not sure.

I really like this, though. ^^

#6. Apples:

Well now, I think Cade had just… killed anything I could possibly say. xD She’s awesome. You’re awesome too, of course, I quite like this one! You’ve just come out with some lovely stuff. The idea of this one is so sweet, rich and crunchy.

#7. The Hermit

“his clothes were sewn of bath-foam clouds,”

I think I’d like this to be without “clouds” keep the metaphor up that way. “clouds” brings us down to earth somehow. And the idea of bath-foam just makes me giggle.

“of inky eels and sea-weed strands –“

Here, I’d love to see it without the “of”, give it a semi-colon or whatever at “screen” and just have “inky eels” This is based on my idea of aesthetics, of course, but I just feel it flows a little better, and the imagery benefits.

I like “to match his sea-shell hand” best, I think.

You’re right about it ending weakly. But I still really like this. I love the extended metaphor so much. I’m not sure how to aid the last line – for the rest of the stanza works really well “daggered back” is wonderful to see – but I think “shed” isn’t a strong word, in itself, it lacks a conviction somehow. I’m sorry I can’t make more sense. ><

#8. To my History Teacher...

“argument” ^^

Other than that… I’m not sure about this. You have some lovely images here, and I adore the feeling of the whole thing. I think the continual questions (which is a technique that has a name but I can’t remember it) in the last stanza are a slight let down to the reader. They lack conviction, a hard hitting end. That said… I do like it. The feeling and the imagery is lovely. ^^ Nice work.

Keep it up, Saber. ^^ I can’t wait to read more.

*hearts* Le Penguin.