Jack's NaPoWriMo Thread

So I embark on a month of a poem a day, and I've decided to share it completely with all of you. Please note I'm not looking for too many critiques, although small comments are fine, simply because my poetry will most probably be awful and in need of a lot of work and this is something I already have taken into consideration.

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#1. To T.S. Eliot

April is the victim of unfounded rumours
of cruelty and depravity. I must respond
to Mr. Eliot in kind to ask him to rescind
such falsehoods and deception.

Dear Sir, when framing such an untruth,
did you pause to contemplate
the wicked propaganda you did facilitate?

April heralds the end of wintry dominance
its annual stranglehold withdrawn! Spring
forth the legions of greenery and verdure,
to flourish where the air is fresh and light.

There is no Wasteland; no fearful handfuls
of dust. Forgive my contumelious self
for you are more of a man than I, and yet
April you have done a disservice.

I have met April: He is polite and cordial,
mellifluous in voice and soft in tone,
a month of fools and poetry,
two inseparable facets as I'm sure you know.

Well Jack, you are really good at poems. Do you do many?

Wasteland

I like the capital letter here.

Generally, I liked number one. Great imagery and I enjoyed all the wordy descriptions and emotions. I also really liked your rhyming, and the variation. I am not a great poet myself, so I won't be able to give lengthy advice. Great grammar, lovely theme! Sorry I can't offer more.

I will be back for #2 tomorrow!

~Mark

Not too familiar with this letter-type poetry, but I'll give it a shot.

#1. To T.S. Eliot

April is the victim of unfounded rumours (good)
of cruelty and depravity. I must respond (fine)
to Mr. Eliot in kind to ask him to rescind (fine)
such falsehoods and deception. (fine)

Dear Sir, when framing such an untruth, (an untruth is a bit awkward
did you pause to contemplate (fine)
the wicked propaganda you did facilitate? (fine)

April heralds the end of wintry dominance (its more March, 21st specificially)
its annual stranglehold withdrawn! Spring
forth the legions of greenery and verdure, (verdure is an awkward word choice with greenery)
to flourish where the air is fresh and light. (fine)

There is no Wasteland; no fearful handfuls (nice)
of dust. Forgive my contumelious self (contumeluous is odd word choice)
for you are more of a man than I, and yet
April you have done a disservice. (sounds like it is April, rather then 'to April')

I have met April: He is polite and cordial, (nice)
mellifluous in voice and soft in tone, (Mellifluous is another odd word choice)
a month of fools and poetry,
two inseparable facets as I'm sure you know. (meh)

It doesn't seem to have a real ending and thus seems to be lacking. Now I am not exactly the biggest fan of Eliot, but that aside, you have made a poem that doens't seem to end and only appears to be half finished. The odd word choices you used is really unusual considering the speech and plain use of words aside from ones like Mellifluous. It just doesn't sound right and seems awkward as a result.

I did like the final stanza. It made for a good climax, in my opinion.


I didn't like:

did you pause to contemplate
the wicked propaganda you did facilitate?

The rhyming here made me cringe. I dunno why, it just doesn't sit well with me.


I liked the reference to The Wasteland (it's like the only Eliot poem I know...).

Thanks for the comments.

Aedomir >> I am pretty familiar with poetry, I write it a lot more than prose.

Kenpachi >> I struggled with the ending, and I concede it probably needs a lot of work. Clearly the whole poem needs a large overhaul, but I'm using this one as practice to get me going, I'm sure eventually my pieces will get better.

Sureal >> It is rather cringeworthy. I'll change that if I return to this. Regarding The Wasteland, I couldn't think of anything to write for #1 for NaPoWriMo, so I picked up my nearest poetry book and it was TS Eliot.

kenpachi says that the word choice was awkward, but i thought it was okay.

i'll have to agree with sureal that that one little rhyme was kinda...bleck.

actually, i'm surprised you didn't use more rhyming. i always thought making things rhyme was the main reason people would use words like mellifluous and verdure and rescind.

overall...well, you were right. that wasn't quite bad but definitly wasn't very good.

by the way, i love a good rhyme. rhymes almost always impress me, even when they're my own. which goes to show how lame that one rhyme really was

Oh, Jacko! I've missed your poetry (that's not stalkerish. At all. Really).

No, this isn't your usual standard, but it's better than nothing. I'll second you and Sureal on the phrasing of those two lines. Also, I remember a long time ago someone commented on you using big words, and I thought they were silly since your usage was fine, but your usage here was just a wee bit cumbersome, which I found surprising, since I think that was on gripe I've never had with you (unless you were insulting me, but that's another story, da?

Anyway, long story short: yay poetry! I look forward to more from you (finally).

I'm doing NaPoWriMo too...but my first poem is like...ridiculously bad. You just spat out a really good one? What is this?

The last stanza was by far my favorite...the others seemed "off" in that way that poems with minimal editing seem off, so I would assume it's simply because the poem was written and then posted.

I apologize for the incredibly unhelpful critique.
-Colleen

Yes! This is good. I like this.

"did you pause to contemplate
the wicked propaganda you did facilitate?"

I agree...bleh.

"no fearful handfuls
of dust"

This is really good. I'd give you extra credit for that one.

I didn't know about the ending. I was torn between the fresh beauty of it, and the cheesiness. Sorry for the extreme unhelpfulness, but I am trying.

#2. The Inevitable Pursuit

Wherever there are homes there are the homeless,
the ones we left behind. That is our dichotomy
(though we sail in the same shady grey sea,
for there is no black and white in our kingdom).
We are the atoms in the bricks in the wall
of the fortress that is but a fragment of the world,
an invisibility, a debris, a longlost wouldbe

the sky is clean and light and fresh
for the strugglers have never reached so high
to stain the heavens with their blood;
the ground is wet and dark and dead.

This is the symphony that no-one wants to hear
a cacophony that lacks the ecstacy:
to climb and grow and machinate
there is a chasm deep below, where

another particle, same as you, will fall, succumb
and be submerged into the myriad darkness
without a sound. The secret corpulence that
chokes us all: the only happiness we find is tangled
in the inescapable unhappiness of others.

--

Not too happy with this, but something had to be written.

On #2,

There is some really good stuff in here, Jacko. Though I'd watch out for using cliched phrases, i.e. S1 L4. I think, when you get around to fiddling with this poem, it would do you well to tighten everything.

I adore S2 and S3, especially: stain the heavens with their blood; / the ground is wet and dark and dead. & This is the symphony that no-one wants to hear & to climb and grow and machinate / there is a chasm deep below.

Good luck, honey.
Cal.

Poem 2:
How are you so brilliant??? Your language is great and you express yourself well. This flows beautifully as a whole, and I love your imagery. You forgot the space between "would" and "be."

I think I'd add a fullstop after "be", and then make the 't' in "the" capital.
I'm not sure about "for the strugglers have never reached so high". I think "strugglers" sounds a little awkward here. Maybe try a more compact word, like "masses" or something. I'd give more suggestions, but it's past midnight where I am so my mind's not working as well as it should...

I love;
"This is the symphony that no-one wants to hear
a cacophony that lacks the ecstacy".
But I'd add a comma after "hear".

I think;
"another particle, same as you, will fall, succumb " is a little too long a line. Maybe try "like you" instead of "same as you."

The ending is really great, very powerful.

Jas

A little late, but you'll forgive me.

#3. Paradiso

Pretty puddles of colour congregate
like a rainbow archipelago. A pallet
of turquoise and sand and grass
supplemented with sunshine.

Love slips off the tongue as smooth
as fresh wine, for here we can lie
without regret. Sparkly wet starry
weather and the beauty of nothing.

The sky it rumbles with distaste,
a thundery rebuke to break the reverie.
It is too distant to break the laughter
but near enough to cause a glance or two.

For though we paint with confidence
the artistry is quick and frantic, the strokes
messy, a hazy happiness
so brief we rush to meets its glare.

Like clockwork the storm surrounds
and vanishes the sun; I watch your smile
evaporate into a thousand raindrops
and suddenly your voice is silenced.

I love all the liquid images here, especially given the evaporation at the very end. The only thing I wonder about is how the smiles evaporate when the sun is hidden behind the clouds?

Jack; On #3,

Why did you ever stop writing poetry?! You are a freakin' master. The last lines are simple gorgeous. I adore loverly imagery and diction, consonance, and alliteration. The only nitpicky thing that stood out was in the first stanza: to me, it feels like there should be a pause/comma at the end of L3, so it would read: grass, / supplemented with sunshine.

Ta,
Cal.