Eyes

I wrote this poem a long time ago, and cleaned it up a bit, but it's kind of abstract. I guess I was kind of weird. Eyes:


I cannot resist a single look
With eyes that can see all,
And the depths of the earth I shook
When I made all mankind fall.
I am King and I am God,
Your sins I won't forgive.
Your views so shallow, mine so broad;
Slaves, you hardly live!
I was born to hate the earth
To see its cruel disguise.
I am this world and all its worth
Born to see all with these eyes.

It works, but this use of 'heav'nly' and 'shan't' seem out of place because it is only in those lines you take the old accented speech.The pattern of rhyming breaks down right at the end with 'Born to see all with my eyes'. Otherwise it is good in form, but has some minor detail issues.


I cannot resist a single look (if you see all, you see all, you don't look. This line is awkward)
With my eyes that must see all, (that must? Its a bit weak, I'd remove it.)
And the bowels of the earth I shook (bowels...bowels...how about depths. Don't need 'I shook')
When I made all mankind fall. (fine)
I am King and I am God, (fine)
Your sins I shan’t forgive. (Weird on shan't)
I rule with crown and heav’nly rod
Slaves, you hardly live!
I was born to lead the earth (Lead is a bad word choice)
To see its cold disguise. (cruel demise? You just fell mankind...)
I am this world and all its worth (last part is a bit awkward.)
Born to see all with my eyes.

Hey!

Nightfall wrote:And the bowels of the earth I shook

There's something awkward about his line. I don't think that using "depth" will help...I think it would be better if you said, "I shook the depths of Earth, and I made all mankind fall".


Well, sorry I couldn't help more...

Thanks for the help, guys. I fixed it up a little.

Good advice; I'll remember it.

~Nightfall

wow. Its interesting. I never thought of eyes like this. Destroying mankind. I like it. ^_^

At first I thought the first few comments were kinda weird. But then I saw your comment about how you changed it since they commented.. haha. XD

I really like this. It's... INTENSE. Seriously. You have a very dark and mysterious style. Run with it!!

--KK

wow, you have a good poem here! the rhythm works really well and the rhyming is good too.
i think at the end of the second line, u need a full stop. to keep it more consistent?
otherwise this isgreat
very unique and enjoyable. good work