Hi,
Okay, so this was on another account but it was only to protect my self. Like I said in topic description, these are real events but in order to protect me and others in this gruesome tale, some of it has been fictionalized. The part is bold I am unsure of. I'm going to change I think. ***= new entry.
Love,
N
Once upon a time, there was a girl. She got perfect grades, had the perfect body, and had a perfect life -- completely.
Clearly, this girl is not me. I am so far away from being perfect that I don’t even come close to standing in line with someone who is.
This girl is the complete opposite of me. You would know this if you read my other diary. Which you will not get the pleasure of reading, and I mean pleasure. Considering whoever picks it up and the reads up to the 6th page could go and ruin my life. And their own, considering I would kill them if they read it.
It holds an entire caboodle of my deepest, darkest secret. All my worries and fears. Everything that annoys or excites me. It was my life. I have thought about burning it, but I do have some good memories in it. It is tucked away where no one can find it, even though many of my friends have tried.
I guess I’ll start when my life started going downhill. This would be on the sad day of November seventeenth, 2003, when my Dad passed away. He had been fighting cancer for a little over nine months and he lost his the battle that day.
It wasn’t that exact day when my life started to build up into an avalanche. But Dad dying is sort of what caused – well… instead of using her real name (I don’t really want to have any reminder of this horrible creature's name in my diary) I will call her M, for monster.
I could also call her a lot of other names, but I’ll stick with M for now. M was sort of an attention seeker. This is due to when she was younger (before darling little me came along) everything was focused on her. It is entirely my Grandparents’ fault; she was their first grandchild and they felt a need to spoil her rotten (I am not figuratively speaking). M is sadly my “older” sister (She was always so immature that I seemed like the older one). That is all I am going to tell you about her, except for all of the gruesome things she has done to my Mom and me.
I don’t remember the exact date of M’s first blow up, all I know is that I was only in grade six, 3 months after Dad passed away. I don’t even remember what the first one was. There too many. I remember some little things, like her writing “You Killed Him” on Mom’s bedroom door in permanent marker. She did this because Dad’s wish was to be taken off life support, and M believed that by doing this, Mom had killed him.
I remember her standing in the hallway, in front of Mom’s door (I started sleeping with Mom, because I was too afraid to sleep in my own room) demanding her to bring her to the hospital. She wanted to be admitted for being “suicidal” (in other words, she wanted attention). She had the razor up to her wrist, threatening Mom. Saying “If you don’t bring me to the hospital I will kill myself.” I remember pleading in my head for Mom to just take her. I wanted her out of my life anyway -- I didn't care how it happened, I just wanted her gone. I had to leave my house, in the wee hours of the morning; it was the first of many.
Another time, she was on msn -- something that causes a lot of problems in my house -- and the phone started ringing. At midnight. It was her friend calling, saying that M was telling her that she was going to kill herself.
That same night two of her friends came over, with one of their moms, to try and calm M down. M acted fine when they got there. Not only was she a faker, she was a manipulator as well. She did it to Mom and me all the time.
Two of her other friends came over another night. At one in the morning; it was unexpected and told Mom that M was after taking eight Advil. That night I had to go to my friend’s house because she was going to the hospital. This is the time that I am most upset about, considering I took over forty-five pills and Mother, didn’t bring me anywhere. (I will get into that later.)
Mom’s best friend has had many talks with M and told her straight out that she does not pity her and told her to grow up. None of this has helped because she says she won’t listen to anyone besides Dad, and he is not here.
She milks Dad’s death. She uses it to get the pity she needs, the pity. She needs it to make herself feel better. It is the oxygen she cannot live without.
This year was the worst of any of the years with M being horrible. School started up and so did she. She started to get more violent. She verbally abused me. Calling me fat and ugly everyday, until it was permanently stuck in my brain like crazy glue stuck to papers. She verbally abused Mom, calling her a bitch, a whore and countless other names.
It was only this year that it turned into physical abuse. I was scared out of my mind, when I used to sit in Mom’s room with a pillow clutched to my chest. Waiting for her to stop shouting at mom so I could get a little sleep that night.
She flicked juice at Mom, spaghetti, a glass, and a candle (It was unlit, thank god), punched her in the chest and grabbed a hold of the wheel; nearly causing us to crash. There is one night that I remember so well, because the next day the police showed up at the house to have a “chat” with M.
She was really emotional the night before the police came. Something had screwed up her day so once again she took it out on Mom and me. It was mostly Mom this time though. We were in Mom’s room with door locked (Mom had started locking it because I was scared). Some nights she used to go out and watch TV and lock me in her room; I felt like a princess locked in a tower then.
M came, banged on the door and demanded (just like she always did) for Mom to come out, because she had a knife up to her heart. Mom went out and the only thing that I can still remember exactly is her saying this to Mom “I could hear you screwing my Dad when he used to come back from being away. You were moaning so loud that I had to listen to my CD player to block you out.” She calmed down after a while, and then she got into this act that Dad was there with her.
I was going to call the police myself that night, but I had no clue what to tell them. So I just waited in my mom's room with the door locked. Mom wasn't even going to call the police. I had to beg her to.
The police talked to M, and we all thought it was going to help, but in the next few days she had started up again. We were out a supermarket and she was asking Mom to buy her all this stuff. Mom said no to a few things, but bought her most things because she didn’t want her to blow up. When I asked for one little thing that was $1.29, Mom said no. Mom is scared shit of M. When we were at red light M flicked a book at Mom. It hit her right above the eye. Mom said it was an “accident”. Yeah, right. Because everyone flicks a book at their mother when they don’t get their way.
M ruined Christmas for me this year. I don’t know if she ruined it for anyone else. She started up on Christmas Eve; she was really “excited” I guess you could say. She was really hyper, almost like she was hyped up on drugs. Mom laid out our Christmas gifts that night and we all went to bed. At 2:30 in the morning M decided she wanted to open her gifts. She came up next to me and said “Steph, it’s 7:30 let’s go open our gifts.” I didn’t mind, I said I was going to get up at that time anyways. I got out of bed and went in to wake Mom, but she was still asleep. No wonder; it was 2:30 in the morning! When I realized what time it actually was, I flipped at M and told her to go back to sleep. I went in and slept with Mom and M slept in my bed. So at 5:30, she couldn’t wait, so we all had to get up and go open our gifts to keep her happy. Just like always. Anything to keep M happy.
Every single year for Christmas we go to my Nan Carter’s house for Christmas day night and then my Nanny McClaine’s for Boxing Day. This year we stayed with Nanny McClaine for Christmas day night and Nan Carter for Boxing Day. We had a little party up to Nanny McClaine’s house. It was fun. M was fine. Nothing happed except one of my cousin’s friends asked her if her cousin was all right. Like, if she was mentally retarded. She was speaking about M, of course.
We went back to Nan Carter’s for Boxing Day. Most of the cousins were up and Kate was coming up to Nan Carter’s house with me that night. Kate is my best friend in the whole entire world. She has seen most of M’s out bursts and is always there for me. We fight a lot and piss each other off a lot, but we always become friends again. We have so much in common that it is not funny. On random occasions we say the exact same thing out loud with out even realizing that we have done it. She is a blond haired blue eyed babe and is the best actress I know. One day when we are both older we are bother going to be famous. Her for her acting and me for my writing.
We all went down to my Aunt Anita and Uncle Kenneth's house. Me and Jake (My coolest little cousin in the whole entire world, also know as J) and Kate wanted to go out around for a while. We had a plan that we were just going to ask Uncle Kenneth (Jake’s dad, he was kind of drunkish) and not tell our moms because we knew that they would say no. M told on us and we kind of got in a little trouble. We ignored M the rest of the night and I’m guessing that everyone else did too because she left the house and walked up to Nan’s. It’s not far, about 15 minutes. It was heading for midnight though.
I wasn’t worried until I got home and found M there. Kate and me went in the smallest spare room, because she was in the biggest one. She came in and was “stoned” so she was getting on all weird. She came in the room and was like; “You wouldn’t care if I took this whole bottle of pills tonight, would you, Steph? You want me to die, don’t you?” I said “No” because I really wouldn’t have minded and because I knew nothing was going to happen. Plus she thought that I meant that I didn’t want her to die.
I was calm, cool, and collected, since I had taken pills before that. Kate freaked out, big time. She was begging me to call Mom and tell her to come up. I told her to calm down, that nothing bad was going to happen.
M punched me in the nose. She came in looking to use my ipod and I said no, so she punched me. It only bled a bit. Not very much. I think that was what scared Kate the most.
The next morning Mom took all M's pills and flushed them. It was so scary. It was the worst thing that M could have ever done, or so I thought. I didn’t go home with Kate and I felt bad because of how scared she was. I hugged her before I left and told her to call me if anything happened. I went back up to Nanny McClaine’s and stayed there until the 29th, 2007 then I came home and everything blew up.
***
It is perfectly normal to say “Hi” or “Hello” or even wave at someone that you go to school with. However, it is not normal to go up and hug a person that the only word you have spoken to them is “Hey.”
I don’t think M was aware of this unwritten rule. During Christmas time she went up and hugged Kate’s older brother (Steve) in Wal-mart. By doing this, she caused her whole life to crash and burn. If only she had thought before going up and hugging him, she would still be here.
After the “little” incident up to my Nan Carter’s house I didn’t go home. I stayed away as long as possible. I went up to Nanny McClaine’s until the 29th then went home to face my misery. I had to go back to living with M. I dreaded every second that I drove away from Nanny McClaine’s. I wasn’t ready to go home. I shouldn’t have gone home.
I went home to and empty house, as usual. (I have grown accustom to being home alone for up to 12 hours. Mom works 12 hour shifts and M, is well, elsewhere) My Aunt Naomi dropped me home. She offered to wait until M and Mom got home. I told her to go home though, I could tell she was tired and I really wanted to call Kate. I was talking to Kate on the phone when I heard a loud bang on the door. It sounded like M and Mom were home. Yay, what fun! (Note my sarcasm).
I told Kate that I would see her at seven (I had invited her and Sara over for a while) and went to go answer M’s banging. She came in and shoved McDonald’s bags in my arms. I looked at her for a moment then returned to go upstairs. Mom was still out getting a few things so; it was just M and me. We actually sat down and ate our “Rotten Ronnie’s” like civilized people. Then when M, tried to make a little conversation, everything went wrong.
She told me how she saw Steve in Wal-mart. I tried to hide back my laughter at this, because Kate had told me that Steve was freaked because M hugged him. M told me that Steve was “happy” that she hugged him. That he hugged her back. I told her that Kate said that he was freaked about, and this was the movement that set off the bomb.
She flipped at me, she flicked her drink and it just missed me. Her fries didn’t though. Mom came home and asked what was the matter. M told her that I said that Steve was mad that she hugged him. I corrected M and told Mom that I didn’t say that, I was said he was freaked. (Like any normal person would be if someone they hardly knew hugged them. Especially if that person is M.) Mom didn’t make too much of a big deal out of this. After M had left the room she told me not to say anything that might offend M.
Kate and Sara where on their way over. M was ready to kill Kate for telling me what Steve said. I had warned Kate. Told her to be prepared because M hated her. M started in as soon as they got over. Kate, Sara and me locked ourselves in my room. M called Kate names though the door and Mom would do nothing to stop her. Mom had no control over her. No one does. She is truly a monster. Kate was up against the door, trying to keep it shut and Sara was sitting on my bed freaking out. I stood at the door, holding the lock so she couldn’t open it with the knife that she had ready to stab Kate with.
The phone rang and that got M away from the door. It was her friend, Sam. I had never liked Sam; she was rude and mean to me. At that moment, I loved her. I let out a breath, that I hadn’t even known I was holding. M did that to me sometimes. Made me forget to breath.
Mom and M were on their way out and I was so happy that you could practically see my feet waiting to do a happy dance. We all screamed when M left. We finally left my room, after being in there for forty-five minutes, and got food. We were going to mix drinks (I had vodka kept in my room) but we couldn’t because of the noise of the car door shutting. We even had the vodka taken out. I was almost in the kitchen and had to get Sara to put it back for me.
M came in and came straight up to the kitchen. She started in again. About Kate being a bitch, and a shit disturber and a whore. Mom came in and was just getting up over the stairs when I told M to “Fuck off and leave us alone.” I was sick of her bullshit and wanted her to just go die. Things started to get pretty overwhelming and Mom wouldn’t help. She just stood there shouting at M, telling her to go downstairs. I said something that upset M (I can’t remember) so she flicked drink at me.
Tears formed in my eyes. I could feel them falling down my face. I could feel Kate and Sara watching me, waiting for me to react. M taunted me and said, “Oh is the little baby going to cry.” I had had enough. I took my drink and dumped it right over the top of her black head of hair. M looked murderous. I shouted at Kate and Sara and told them to go to my room (It felt like something from a movie). M screamed and went down over the stairs to her “dungeon” to go clean off.
Mom look bewildered. She stood there and looked at me. I went into my room and bawled while Sara sat on the bed crying too. Kate stood next to me and tears poured down her face while she helped dry me off. I took a bag from my closet and started throwing random clothes in it. I couldn’t stay at home. I had to leave.
Sara called her Mom and told her what happened and she said I could stay the night. We all went out to get our coats. Kate and Sara went to wait outside and Mom told me to help her clean up the mess. I looked at her like she had four heads. She looked at my bag and said, “Where are you going, you just got home?” I flipped. “MOTHER. HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO STAY AT HOME WHEN THERE IS MONSTER LIVING HERE? DID YOU SEE WHAT SHE DID? DID YOU HEAR WHAT SHE CALLED MY FRIENDS? HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN YOU BE. SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE ABOUT HER. I CANNOT EVEN STAY AT HOME. I’M NOT COMING HOME UNTIL SHE IS GONE!”
I said all this with tears pouring down my face and Mom’s. She didn’t realize how much it killed me inside to live with a creature like M. As guilty as I felt about saying this to Mother, it felt good to get it off my chest. If I didn’t say this to her, she wouldn’t have done anything. I needed to do it. To save my self from M.
***
At Sara’s house I felt at ease. There was no M. Only Sara’s annoying little sister and her 3 cats that kept sleeping on my pillow. We weren’t locked in Sara’s room the whole time I was over. Come to think of it, we were never in there, unless we were sleeping. Her Mom had control over the house, unlike at my own home. Her house was always full, always warm. I felt safe and comforting. It made me envy her that is only one of the reasons though.
If I had to pick one friend to become a model it would be Sara. She has white blond hair, is tall and thin, is extremely photogenic (considering she takes pictures of herself 24/7) and is vain enough to be one. I think she would be one a) if her mother got her and agent and noticed her a bit more and b) if she wasn’t so shy. Sara was always there when I needed to talk about M or if I needed to share some of my own secrets. I was wrong to tell her. Everything I told Sara she would go and tell someone else. That didn’t matter then, I only found out of much of a bitch Sara was recently.
At Sara’s house I didn’t have to worry about being woken up in the middle of the night, with M banging on the door. I could sleep in peace for as long as I wanted.
It felt like a vacation. I felt warm and happy. There was nothing to worry about. I didn’t have to wake up to see M. I woke up to Sara’s little sister crying sometimes, but I would rather that then M's banging on the door.
Being at Sara’s didn’t last long though. Only 2 days. Sara and her family were going away on New Year’s Eve so that meant that I would be going home. I didn’t feel like going home, I couldn’t actually so I called Kate. Her family wasn’t really big on New Year’s, so her parents said yes. They didn’t ask any questions, just let me come.
I hadn’t talked to Mom for the two days that I had spent at Sara’s, so I was nervous about going home. I didn’t want M to be there
This will be continued.
Hope You'll forgive me.
