The Downfall of Dandelion Kingdom

Just a little something that popped into my head, let me know what you think.

Back home, we never mowed our lawn. My parents would always complain about it, but were too busy writing another one of their long, boring books, about who knows what, to do anything. They acted as if they wanted me to mow the lawn. Of course they knew I never would even think of doing such a thing. I loved my jungle.

The grass was bright and vivid from all the rain we got, and it grew up to the middle of my calves. Yellow dandelions were sprinkled here and there, like gold stars in a green sky. It was beautiful. I did my best imagining laying on my back, fists full of my soft carpet.

I'm a writer too, but not like my parents. They just ramble on about history nobody cares about in size eleven Times New Roman font. I write about fairies, how they are there, but we can't see them. I write about magic, and adventure, things people actually like to hear about. So what better place to think.. no, my parents think, I imagine. What better place to imagine new ideas for the story about the fairies of the Dandelion Kingdom, in my own Dandelion Kingdom?

But when my parents actually wrote a bestseller, they decided we needed to move to some suburban development. I was mad. I had been living in our tiny little house with the overgrown yard my whole life. I never wanted to leave. But my parents told me that there was a bigger yard, and lots of other teenagers. That socializing would be good for me. I disagreed, but of course, I had no choice. They are the parents I am the kid. I don't get a say in anything. So we moved.

The house was nice enough, but it had no character. It was brand new, and identical to every single house in the neighborhood. And the grass, was itchy. Sure, the lawn back home was itchy, but I didn't notice it because it was my lawn.

I discovered that the new lawn wasn't mine. The lawn was cut short when we first moved in, but soon enough, it was up to my ankles. I was starting to get good ideas for stories when I lay down on the lawn. But one morning, I woke up to the hum of a lawn mower. I peeked out my window. Sure enough, Mr. Davis from across the street was sitting on his mower, destroying my carpet. I felt like my life's savings was just used to stoke a fire.

I dashed down the stairs, not even bothering to slip my sandals on. I stepped onto the porch, and Mr. Davis looked at me.

"Howdy neighbor, hope you don't mind, but I've noticed you guys haven't mowed your lawn since you moved in!" He said, turning off his lawn mower and wiping the sweat off of his brow. "Did anyone fill you in on the rules?"

"W-what rules?" I stammered, to confused and disappointed to speak or think clearly.

"Lawns must be kept at a uniform two inches. Ain't you glad I did it before y'all got yourselves into trouble?" he chuckled. "Well, I'm just about done. Tell your parents I loved the book." And he turned on his mower and left.

I sat down on my steps and sighed. Looking over the fresh cut grass, I realized, this wasn't my lawn, not my Dandelion Kingdom. It was just a sea of uniform two inch green. I stood up and went inside, depressed.

My mom and dad were sitting on the couch in their pajamas, watching the news.

"Now, wasn't that nice of him, mowing our lawn like that? I didn't know there was a rule!" Mom laughed after I told her what happened, taking a sip of her tea. She furrowed her brow and cocked her head. "Hon, you don't look to good. Why don't you sit down and I'll get you a bagel."

"No thanks Mom, I'm not hungry." I sighed. "I think I'll just go up to my room."

"You really shouldn't be sleeping in so-"

"Dad," I cut him off. "The stupid lawn mower woke me up. I'm tired."

"Ok sweetie," Dad sighed. "Get some rest."


I felt like I got absolutely no sleep. I was dreaming the whole two and a half hours. The fairies, they were waving at me. They had packed up what was left of the kingdom and flew away. They were okay.

I was okay.





((This is the edited ending.))

I. NITPICKS

Em wrote:The grass was bright and vivid from all the rain we got, and it grew up to the middle of my calves. Yellow dandelions were sprinkled here and there, like gold stars in a green sky. It was beautiful. I did my best imagining laying on my back, fists full of my soft carpet.

I think you should take out "got".

They are the parents I am the kid. I don't get a say in anything. So we moved.

You should either put a comma before the "I" or an and.

"Howdy neighbor, hope you don't mind, but I've noticed you guys haven't mowed your lawn since you moved in!" He said, turning off his lawn mower and wiped the sweat off of his brow. "Did anyone fill you in on the rules?"

"W-what rules?" I stammered, too confused and disappointed to speak or think clearly.

I sat down on my steps and sighed. This wasn't my lawn, not my Dandelion Kingdom. It was just a sea of uniform two inches of green. I stood up and went inside, and whipped up a breakfast of Pop Tarts and Kool-Aid.

II. TELLING

You do some telling over showing in this piece. You tell us how the character feels you tell us what everything is like rather than show us in some places. It's not too much, but occasionally you do end up telling over showing.

III. THE END

The end seemed to be slightly lacking. They tore down her Dandelion Kingdom and she just goes off to get kool-aid and pop tarts and finds a new inspiration? All-in-all, it's a cute ending...but it leaves a bad taste. It's too sugary...you built up all this importance in this Dandelion Kingdom only to have it just go without a fight.

IV. OVERALL IMPRESSION

I thought this was a cute story. Your description of The Dandelion Kingdom was vivid along with the rest..Just a few problems, nothing catastrophic. Your voice is nice, the character is nice, your style is nice. It's all nice really. So, yep, that's it!

PM me if you want me to critique something else or if you have questions!

Hi, Em!

I did my best imagining laying on my back, fists full of my soft carpet.

I think that should be "lying."

I write about fairies, how they are there, but we can't see them.

I think the comma after "fairies" should be a colon.

So what better place to think.. no, my parents think, I imagine. What better place to imagine new ideas for the story about the fairies of the Dandelion Kingdom, in my own Dandelion Kingdom?

I suggest you rewrite this as something like: "What better place to think -- no, my parents think; I imagine. So what better place to imagine new ideas for the story about the fairies of the Dandelion Kingdom, in my own Dandelion Kingdom?"

And the grass, was itchy.

This should either be "And the grass, it was itchy." or "And the grass was itchy."

Sure enough, Mr. Davis from across the street was sitting on his mower, destroying my carpet.

"Carpet" suggests something flat and regular... I suggest you use a word like "jungle."

"W-what rules?" I stammered, to confused and disappointed to speak or think clearly.

That should be "...too confused..."
-------------

I think we could use a bit more imagery. I'd like to know more about the temperature... the feel of the grass... the view of the cloudless sky, disturbed only by the blades of grass as she lies on her back... the smell of freshly cut grass...

Also, I'm not crazy about the ending. The reason is this: you don't say anything bad about her writing, before she moves, then you say good things later. We (your readers) don't realize that her writing was in desperate need of improvement. Maybe if you say in the beginning (when she's talking about the contrast between her parents' writing and her own) that she finds her writing more interesting, but she always has one problem that her parents never do--maybe description? Characters? Plot? Something. Then, in the end, you can say that after her jungle is gone, she's sad, but her problem has been cured, and now she has realistic characters, or vivid descriptions, or intricate, suspenseful plots--whatever it is that you use.

Does that make sense? If it didn't, please feel free to PM me and I'll clear it up to you. For that matter, if you want to say anything about the critique, PM me.

Overall, I liked this! *gives you a gold star* Is there more to it?
Hope this helps.
~Azila~

Thank you for your critiques.
I am thinking about writing a whole new version of this story, based on your tips.
Look for it.
=]

Howdy!

The others seemed to have picked it up. I love the idea, it's a very pretty image. But I feel you could build it up. Write about what she saw going on in the Dandelion Kingdom, what happened there, her adventures, what her parents thought about it.

Also, although the ending is cute, I do agree that it leaves a bad taste (like the Harry Potter epilogue). It's like, her kingdom has been ruined so she eats two things which I have never had... I'm guessing they're American . But yeah, although it's sweet, it doesn't really work...

But apart from that, it was nice

I'd personally like to know a little bit more about her writing. You said that her writing is better than ever after the Pop-Tarts and Kool-Aid, but I really don't know much else about what she wrote. Being a writer myself, it's nice to hear about other writers, but also just to add to the story and reinforce the fact that she is a writer. Tell us what happens in one of her stories, or maybe what her parents think about her writing. Do they consider it pointless/frivolous? Do they not care?

Anyway, I liked this. Everyone else seems to have pointed out the things I noticed myself, so I won't repeat them. But seriously, with some polishing, this could really be something great. Excellent potential!

Welcome to YWS!

~GryphonFledgling

Ha! I liked the idea, Em, really. It was sweet and simple. A nice piece of work.

I have a suggestion. You really liked your Dandelion Kingdom; why not write a story including your Dandelion Kingdom? (Unless that is totally not your taste, then I understand). You said your character writes stories about fairies. Do you?

It'd be a nice story, I think. Fairies in Dandelion Kingdom. And you can even include your demolition sequence! Consider it; it could be a wonderful, best-reader on this site!

This was a really neat idea. I liked it. But I would like to know more about your MC. Perhaps a bit more background and dialogue between her and her parents?

By the way, I liked your title, but I feel it would be better just as: The Downfall of the Dandelions.

I liked this, but like the others said, the ending wasn't great. When you're writing, you want the reader to indulge in the world you're creating with your words, but when you added that last part it reminded us that someone was writing it, and that's not a good thing. Other than that, though, good job.