Rip Me Open But Pierce Me Shut

It can't be me,
I didn't notice this.
All I wanted was a little bit of love;
my second, third, fourth kiss.

He used me,
to show off to his friends,
to abuse me.
He promised me I was safe with him. He said I was safe with him....

Only in his arms,
I fell in love;
love from the start.
He only tore me apart.

And he did it,
and now he's proud of himself;
of what he had accomplished,
of what he has started.

He left me at home.
Frozen, cold, and alone.
I thought he actually cared,
I thought he'd fight away my fears when I was scared.

Only in his arms,
I feel in love;
love from the start.
He only tore me apart.

I guess I didn't really love him after all,
he was the one;
that made me fall.
He was the one who actually lost it all.

He was the one....

Wow, I really like this piece. You can easily feel the saddness, anger and resentment from the writer. *gives a gold star* It could do with some more description though.

I liked it. The subject matter is something that has been done a million times, but you still managed to make it likable. Very nice.

I'm a little confused as to why this is in fanfiction however, unless it is a reference to some movie/book/game/etc that I don't know about. And if so, I think you should put what it is referencing somewhere. I mean, this could be anyone. It seems to me it would be better in a poetry section... Go poke a moderator and figure out how you can get it moved.

Anyway, nice work.

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

Good job! I agree with gryphon that the topic is a little overused but the poem was intriguing.
However i did find it a little stretched. Like you repeated a lot of things.
And we were told the story, but there were no images in my head as i read this. I was only reading words. A person's writing should always be more than just words. Little imagery would do well.
I can understand if you don't want to change your poem...but just keep this in mind for next time.


Happy writing!
-icy.

Nice! sad to say, I can actually relate to this piece, and you captured the feelings it causes REALLY well. I don't usually read poetry (I tend to get lost) but that was good.

You have really great potential as a poet. Keep up the good work.


(nice signature)

I don't get why this in fan fiction either, the description sounds more like a personal event that inspired the poetry rather then any existing work. Perhaps it should be moved to dramatic poetry?

It is a sad and generic piece of poetry, Used by a guy and then left all broken and with the attitude that you never liked him and that he lost something good in the end. The feeling is there, but it is rather unoriginal and bland. It simply tells a story in poetic form and that's it, there is no special structure or care given to word choice and imagery. Which contributes to it being a rather typical piece of work and lacking originality and the features that make it special.

I really liked it! I could relate to it and the little detail that you did put in made it just right!

I think this should be in poetry. It's not fanfiction unless you are writing it about a character in a movie/book/comic/, not a person. That would be poetry, so it does need to be moved. I thought it was okay. The subject has been done many times, I'm starting to wonder if they are all done by the same person. How each line was seperated was kind of annoying to me. Maybe finish the sentence then skip a line.

It was sad and angsty, which always deserves a star in my book. The summary says guy friends, I would say boyfriend because thatis what it looks like to be. The romantic/love undertone is there for sure.
So unless you are trying to say, "He's only a guy who is a friend and I never cared for him." Then I would change the summary. Also start it with a capital letter. It looks kind of amuturish they way you have it.
There is promise, I can not write a poem to save my life. So good job.

Scorpia

You almost made me cry! That was amazing! I really love it!

Hey Max!!

This was beautiful and the title I really loved the title. Wow you made me cry because the emotions behind this were so real and I've been through something remotely similar like this...so I feel your pain. I didn't see anything wrong with this but I was wondering why it is in FanFiction.

Keep writing and Good Job,
Angel

I really liked this but i couldn't help but notice some repted senceses. It is a beautiful piece but if it was a bit more describtive it would be a lot better.

I love the way you can actually feel what the person is saying and it makes me kinda imagine what it would feel like in side, Its great how you added in that she is in love with him that was a great twist.

Also I have to point out, how is this fanfiction?

Love Rebbecca
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