Uh, no, I really had no idea what was going on. You had some cool descriptions, and they would have been even better if I'd known what was happening.
I don't know how to give you advice on making it more clear, but it's apparent that you do need some more narrative or something to let the reader know what they're actually reading.
I totally agree with KJ. I was really confused what was going on at the beginning and kept scanning the sentences, thinking I had misread or missed something. I think you didn't let us know what was happening deliberately. But it didn't really work out. Yes great description but it would have more enjoyable if we had known what was going on. See if you can work that out.
other than that, I didn't find anything wrong other than a few awkward sentences which you can find yourself if you read carefully.
so good job.
-icy,
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that. --Ellen DeGeneres
*whistles* whoa. you almost confused me, but i pretty sure i got it. i'm blown away i love stories that make me have to go back and say "oh, i see"
i'm speechless to be honest. great job le but i'll read the other part to make sure i'm right at getting it. =)
Got a good book and got all in it, tried a little yoga for a minute, still it won't let go..... *from here its always peace, and much love to you*
Hey that's the name of my school!!!!!! Any who, I'm with shadow. It's the kind of story that you have to read over again to get it. Clever. See you at lunch and best wishes!!!!!!
Well for one thing can you space it out a bit- please? its hard for me to read.
Anyways I thought it was interesting. Your metaphores are awsome! Though you use the word 'blur' alot. Maybe you can use a different word? If not then nevermind. I like this I wanna find out what is happening to Joeanna.
By the way what is happening???? just wondering???
